Is it better NOT knowing?

My mom saw old friends of ours this week at work. I haven't seen them since highschool as we all went our seperate ways. But we were close...just not anymore. Their mother was saying that her oldest daughter is getting married in 2 months, it's stressful. Her mother passed away last month, and last Friday her youngest daughter came home...pregnant. Approximately 5 months along, and they are a very strict Italian-Catholic family with a good community standing and a strong family structure. She cried, while telling my mom, and she said that her husband sobbed...sobbed like she has never seen in their 30+ years of marriage. She acknowledged what we have been through, and mentioned that the biggest dissapointment is that their daughter didn't feel it neccessary for any prenatal care. So she is going today to her first appointment.

So for me, it begs the question...is it better to NOT know what could happen and go through life happy, or is it better to prepare yourself for things that could go wrong? They say that knowledge is power, but is it always? I started researching possible problems when I was pregnant with Dylan. I was obsessed that something was going to go wrong and as it turns out, my intuition was correct. Maybe I should have followed blissful ignorance? Perhaps I would have been better off...or at least slept a little more soundly.

It just seems to me that women who go through a pregnancy without prenatal care walk away with a full heart and full arms. They don't seem to have to go through the horror of leaving the hospital with a little box and a teddy bear. Maybe they have just as many problems, but it sure doesn't seem like it. And I am thoroughly convinced that Derick's cousins little boy has some residual problems from no prenatal care...but also no parental care. He stares a lot, is slow with his motor skills, and doesn't seem to giggle and coo as much as other 9 month old babies. But is that from not having care while in the womb, or not being stimulated enough by his mother as an infant?

What do you all think? About blissful ignorance, I mean.

Here's Tater

These first two pictures are of the TAC. The first picture is showing where the band is. The white lines are the nylon band. The second picture is showing my cervical measurement. If you can see, the cervix is the line going from the center to the top right of the picture. Just days after the surgery, my cervix measured 3.05 cm. Fantastic considering before, unpregnant, it measured 1.9. Typically the cervix 'grows' after the TAC is placed because it is so high up.





These next two pictures are of Tater at 12w. The first is his profile shot and the second shows him waiving his arms and legs. He's growing beautifully and is measuring right on track. My cervix is completely closed, and the band is only 1cm from the baby! To those of us with IC, that's very significant. It means that basically there is no room for the cervix to funnel, or the cervix cannot open from the uterus out. Vaginally, the cerclage can only be placed so high up and it typically leaves a lot of room for it to funnel. So the fact that it's so close to the baby is great news.

All this makes me think...maybe this will really work?

Dear Dr. Dick,

I saw you today. You probably didn't recognize me. But I know you. You killed Riley. You let him die. And you don't care. In fact, you probably don't even know that you killed him.

I hate what you did to my son. I hate what you did to my family. You ruined me as a person. You made me distrust everything that I once trusted. You made me a bitter, angry human being. A person that I wish I didn't know. And once again, you don't care.

I've got news for you. You will not know our baby this time. You won't touch him/her, and you'll never lay a finger on my body. You don't need to know that I have a TAC this time around, that I put myself and my baby through this surgery because you didn't act fast enough with the vaginal cerclage. You don't need to know that everything looks really good with the baby, and with my cervix. And you certainly don't need to know that I'm even pregnant again. You won't see happy pictures of us, and you won't ever look into my baby's eyes or touch it's soft hair. You won't see it's chubby cheeks, or it's pink skin...you won't even hear it's breath.

You took that away from me, Dr. Dick. And for that I can never forgive you. You robbed me of the life I was supposed to have with Riley. You took away those moments that every mother dreams of...and you don't care. How many other dreams have you taken from mother's just like me? Because I know you crushed Lisa's. You robbed her of her life with Brandon and Matthew. Do you know that? Do you know what you've done to us?

I'm angry, I'm bitter...and I still have a lot of hatred. I don't ever, ever want to see you again. And if you can't tell by the angry eyes I gave you today, then you are much worse off than I thought.

I hope that you sleep well at night knowing what you've done to us.

Update

I'm finally able to sit at the computer for an extended period of time to write an update. I appologize to everyone that was waiting for one...

I got my staples out last Wednesday, and the doctor examined my incision. He said that everything looked really, really good and then he insisted on doing an ultrasound. I think it was more to see the TAC than to see the baby, as he excitedly pointed that out on the screen. But regardless, all was well with both. He then went on to tell us that the hospital that I will be delivering at has 4000-5000 babies born their each year making it the 4th largest delivery center in the state. Then he explained that he has been in practice for 15 years, and it those 15 years he has only see 5 abdominal cerclages! It was really interesting to hear, because I knew it was rare but had no idea that it was THAT rare. He also mentioned that there aren't many because most people just give up after a second loss, and he commended me for not doing that. Although, I can certainly understand why people would give up. I'd be lying if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. However the need to have a child of my own strongly outweighed the fear of things going wrong again. And if it happens again...and only if it happenes again...I'll really believe that things happen for a reason. That I'm just not meant to have my own biological children. But God knows that I have a renewed faith right now. I don't know how long it will last, and I don't know that I'll always feel this way...but I'm confident. And it feels good for right now. I'll let you know how confident I feel around 15 weeks though : )

Anyway, the recovery has been going really well. My mom has pretty much been here every day taking care of things for us. Making meals, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Derick still can't do much with his finger, and after going to the ER Saturday night we thought it was infected. We went to his doctor this morning and he's scheduled tomorrow for surgery to remove the tip, but the doctor said he's going to do what he can to save the fingernail.

My incision is healing really well. The steri-strips are starting to come off, and it's healed pretty much. I think that the scaring will be minimal, which is nice. But let's be honest...it's not like I'm going to be wearing a bikini anytime soon! I still have mild pain, but it's not to bad. At first I felt like something was wrong because I've been very sore below my belly-button. But then I figured out today that it might just be trapped gas. The doctor also explained the other day that when Dr. Davis did the surgery he needed to move all of my other organs around to get to my uterus which causes some irratability with them. Things are bruised and a bit swollen, but completely normal. At least I'll know what to expect with the c-section!

Derick loved reading your comments, and he couldn't believe how many people cared. So thank you all for that. He's been checking my email and reading my messages aloud to me.

So now I'm off...my mom is coming over to take me out to lunch and to Target for a little while. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get one of those motorized carts though. That way I'll be more comfortable. My body deffinately tells me when I've done to much!

We're home

It was a long weekend, and although everything went pretty close to the plan, there were still some bumps in the road.

We packed up the car and left Thursday afternoon to get to his office for an ultrasound and to fill out the consent forms. The receptionist that checked us in wasn't very plesant, but she asked if this was my first and I explained to her about the boys her tune changed a bit. She then explained that he always fits people in without telling her which results in her schedule getting messed up. Understandable, but in no way related to me. And most certainly not my fault. Anyway, they took me in pretty quickly and did the ultrasound. The baby looked great, moving around some and the heart rate was 171! We were so happy to see that little flicker, and to know that the surgery was a go.

Our surgery was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30 am so we had to be there early. We left our hotel at 5:30 to get to the hospital at 6 for check in and everything. Luckily we were one of the first peole there and slid right through pretty quick. They took me in and started the IV, and then they called Derick in to say goodbye. I was a blubbering fool! I couldn't stop crying, and the nurse lovingly explained to him that I was emotional and it was because of my hormones...try not to read to much into it. But I felt so bad. I was so scared, and I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was already. But I couldn't stop crying. We got into the next room where they checked all of my vital signs and the anesteiologist (?) came in and met with me. I explained to him that I was nervous about being awake and he calmed all of my fears. He explained in depth what I would feel with the spinal and that the hardest part was keeping my mind calm. He explained that if I kept my mind off of pain or anything related to the surgery, I would be fine. However people that can't differentiate the two in their mind have a very difficult time. So I took his advice, and we went in to the OR. It was cold, and it was small. The nurses there were so very nice, and they held me as he inserted the catheter in my spine. It hurt much less than the IV that they had started, and soon I was unable to feel anything from my rib cage down.

Before I knew it, the doctor had started cutting. I could not feel a thing pain wise, but I could feel him rearranging things and moving the skin around. It was strange, but not painful. Then he did the ultrasound. Right on my uterus. That was really cool, as the baby was so perfectly happy (well I'm assuming) and not stressed at all. He assured me that the tied the band the tightest, and then he started to sew me back up. As he was doing that, the spinal block started to wear off and I could feel them. Not bad, but not really comfortable. It was a dull ache, but I'm kind of glad that it wore off so quickly. I don't like the feeling of not being able to move my body.

Then I was in the recovery room...for an hour. The spinal wore of mostly, and I was talking to the nurses there who had ironically taken care of my cousin the week before. It was nice to chat with them, and then she explained that she has IC too. Her and her husband made the difficult decision not to have another child after their son was born healthy and alive. It was just to hard for them. So they adopted their daughter, and finally felt as though their lives were complete. Interesting. I think I'll always remember her.

Soon they announced that I could go up to my room, and when I got there the nurses were very nice again. Most of the people that I met were compassionate and had seen so many cases just like me come and go. So it was nice, you know, not to feel like a freak. But still, there were quite a few people that came in asking if I had a girl or a boy or who my baby looked like just because they assumed that I had a c-section. It was difficult to explain, but then they just stopped asking. My family got there quickly, but I was in quite a bit of pain. When I talked to Lisa Friday night and she said that she would update, she said that she needed to hang up with me because the morphine was making me slur my words. Lol! Derick said he noticed the same thing, as I was not quite myself.

By later that night, I was in a lot of pain, and by Saturday morning they had me up and moving. It hurt, like hell, but when I started walking it started to feel better. I took a shower on Sunday before leaving, and was the first time I got a chance to look at the incision. It's 8-10 inches long and stapled. I was suprised that it was that big, but then again...I'm a big person. So it's probably why. Derick helped me in the shower, washed my back and places that I couldn't reach...what a husband! He's been helping me go to the bathroom each time since I got the catheter out. He's been so great.

Sunday afternoon the doctor came back in and took us for our final ultrasound. The baby was kicking and moving his/her arms and legs so fast we couldn't get many good pictures! And the doctor showed us what the baby looked like in 4d, even though it was pretty early to see much. But we could see his/her eyes and nose and that was priceless. Everything looked perfect. The heartrate was 180bpm and s/he was thriving. My cervix measured 3.05cm of functional cervix, as opposed to 2.0 on Thursday. Everythig was perfect. But still no attachment. A perfect baby with parents that are afraid to love it.

We spoke to the doctor about our fear of attachment. He said that nearly 100% of his patients feel that way. It's difficult, but we aren't alone. He said that from his own experience we will become more and more attached after we are able to trust that things will go right this time. For some that is after the loss week, and for other's it isn't until they are about to bring the baby home. But nevertheless, we will at some point, become attached.

So we're home and sore, but happy to be here. Lilo is adjusting well to her new spot at the end of the couch next to me, and Derick is adjusting well (sort of) to his role as caregiver. My mother has never been happier in her life to take care of me, and most of our family is just as supportive. There are still a few, of course, but at this point there is nothing I can do or say to make them change their minds or opinions. So it's not worth it. We've decided to let them go, and be happy with our lives. Because that is what is important. That is why we are putting ourselves through all this physical pain...for joy and happiness again.

Thank you all again for your nice comments. I'm so glad that I have such a loving family here in blogland.

An Update On BABY NO WAY OUT..........

HI all,

This is Lisa Beckys Friend She asked me to post an update for all of you... She had the cerclage placed this morning and everything went fine. Her cervix is shut and from what the Dr. said nothing is coming out of that cervix. I spoke with her a little while ago and she sounds tired but good. I will post again tommorow with more news. By the way Tators heart rate was great and the baby looks good.

Lisa

Here we go...

I can't believe what I'm about to do. I can't believe that I'm putting myself through so much for a person that I don't even know yet. But it was never a thought. It never crossed my mind not to. This is the way that I'll have children. And it's the only way...so you do what you do, right?

I'm anxious to get going, but terrified at the same time. My stomach is a mess today, I could hardly keep anything down. It's probably just nerves, but it's not what I need right now. Hopefully we'll get to see Tator today, and hopefully everything is good, although I'm sure that it is.

I will try to update as soon as I can, but I might not get home from the hospital until Monday. So if I can't update when I get home, Derick will for me. I'll just dictate to him from the couch : )

Love you all so much, and thank you a million times over for your support!

Opperation No Way Out

3 days and counting.

I can't believe it's almost here. Time is flying by. I never thought that I'd make it to 10 weeks already and here I am. I really thought that I wasn't capable of having a living child.

And here I am. Opperation No Way Out is going just as planned. Can you believe something is going as planned *knock on wood*? For once, things are on schedule and going in our favor.

Dr. Davis placed the TAC on my cousin last week as an emergency rescue at 19 weeks. Everything went beautifully, and her little girl is thriving. It brings me such hope. He is also thinking about doing a case study on us. Her sister lost 2 babies and had a 26 weeker, and with my issues...maybe there is a hereditary link after all. Maybe our babies did't die in vain. Maybe there is some greater good to come out of all this.

It's still very difficult for me to think that things will work out this time. Everyone else is very optomistic, in fact my mom has started saving money to buy a crib. But I still can't shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. After what we've been through, maybe I'll always have that feeling. But I'm more optomistic this time. It's a different baby, a different doctor, and we know how to fix the problem.

I just have to keep reminding myself that good things do happen.