We're home

It was a long weekend, and although everything went pretty close to the plan, there were still some bumps in the road.

We packed up the car and left Thursday afternoon to get to his office for an ultrasound and to fill out the consent forms. The receptionist that checked us in wasn't very plesant, but she asked if this was my first and I explained to her about the boys her tune changed a bit. She then explained that he always fits people in without telling her which results in her schedule getting messed up. Understandable, but in no way related to me. And most certainly not my fault. Anyway, they took me in pretty quickly and did the ultrasound. The baby looked great, moving around some and the heart rate was 171! We were so happy to see that little flicker, and to know that the surgery was a go.

Our surgery was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30 am so we had to be there early. We left our hotel at 5:30 to get to the hospital at 6 for check in and everything. Luckily we were one of the first peole there and slid right through pretty quick. They took me in and started the IV, and then they called Derick in to say goodbye. I was a blubbering fool! I couldn't stop crying, and the nurse lovingly explained to him that I was emotional and it was because of my hormones...try not to read to much into it. But I felt so bad. I was so scared, and I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was already. But I couldn't stop crying. We got into the next room where they checked all of my vital signs and the anesteiologist (?) came in and met with me. I explained to him that I was nervous about being awake and he calmed all of my fears. He explained in depth what I would feel with the spinal and that the hardest part was keeping my mind calm. He explained that if I kept my mind off of pain or anything related to the surgery, I would be fine. However people that can't differentiate the two in their mind have a very difficult time. So I took his advice, and we went in to the OR. It was cold, and it was small. The nurses there were so very nice, and they held me as he inserted the catheter in my spine. It hurt much less than the IV that they had started, and soon I was unable to feel anything from my rib cage down.

Before I knew it, the doctor had started cutting. I could not feel a thing pain wise, but I could feel him rearranging things and moving the skin around. It was strange, but not painful. Then he did the ultrasound. Right on my uterus. That was really cool, as the baby was so perfectly happy (well I'm assuming) and not stressed at all. He assured me that the tied the band the tightest, and then he started to sew me back up. As he was doing that, the spinal block started to wear off and I could feel them. Not bad, but not really comfortable. It was a dull ache, but I'm kind of glad that it wore off so quickly. I don't like the feeling of not being able to move my body.

Then I was in the recovery room...for an hour. The spinal wore of mostly, and I was talking to the nurses there who had ironically taken care of my cousin the week before. It was nice to chat with them, and then she explained that she has IC too. Her and her husband made the difficult decision not to have another child after their son was born healthy and alive. It was just to hard for them. So they adopted their daughter, and finally felt as though their lives were complete. Interesting. I think I'll always remember her.

Soon they announced that I could go up to my room, and when I got there the nurses were very nice again. Most of the people that I met were compassionate and had seen so many cases just like me come and go. So it was nice, you know, not to feel like a freak. But still, there were quite a few people that came in asking if I had a girl or a boy or who my baby looked like just because they assumed that I had a c-section. It was difficult to explain, but then they just stopped asking. My family got there quickly, but I was in quite a bit of pain. When I talked to Lisa Friday night and she said that she would update, she said that she needed to hang up with me because the morphine was making me slur my words. Lol! Derick said he noticed the same thing, as I was not quite myself.

By later that night, I was in a lot of pain, and by Saturday morning they had me up and moving. It hurt, like hell, but when I started walking it started to feel better. I took a shower on Sunday before leaving, and was the first time I got a chance to look at the incision. It's 8-10 inches long and stapled. I was suprised that it was that big, but then again...I'm a big person. So it's probably why. Derick helped me in the shower, washed my back and places that I couldn't reach...what a husband! He's been helping me go to the bathroom each time since I got the catheter out. He's been so great.

Sunday afternoon the doctor came back in and took us for our final ultrasound. The baby was kicking and moving his/her arms and legs so fast we couldn't get many good pictures! And the doctor showed us what the baby looked like in 4d, even though it was pretty early to see much. But we could see his/her eyes and nose and that was priceless. Everything looked perfect. The heartrate was 180bpm and s/he was thriving. My cervix measured 3.05cm of functional cervix, as opposed to 2.0 on Thursday. Everythig was perfect. But still no attachment. A perfect baby with parents that are afraid to love it.

We spoke to the doctor about our fear of attachment. He said that nearly 100% of his patients feel that way. It's difficult, but we aren't alone. He said that from his own experience we will become more and more attached after we are able to trust that things will go right this time. For some that is after the loss week, and for other's it isn't until they are about to bring the baby home. But nevertheless, we will at some point, become attached.

So we're home and sore, but happy to be here. Lilo is adjusting well to her new spot at the end of the couch next to me, and Derick is adjusting well (sort of) to his role as caregiver. My mother has never been happier in her life to take care of me, and most of our family is just as supportive. There are still a few, of course, but at this point there is nothing I can do or say to make them change their minds or opinions. So it's not worth it. We've decided to let them go, and be happy with our lives. Because that is what is important. That is why we are putting ourselves through all this physical pain...for joy and happiness again.

Thank you all again for your nice comments. I'm so glad that I have such a loving family here in blogland.