A mistake?

I've seen so many women lately on an October expecting club that I lurk on that are starting to develop IC or complications surrounding it and cerclages. Their cervix's typically measure between 2.2cm and 2.7cm at about 20 weeks. Their doctors have either placed a cerclage and are on bedrest or just on bedrest. So why then, when my cervix measured 1.9cm at 14 weeks with Riley was I not put on bedrest or told to curtail my activities at all? That's a good 6 weeks before they started to have problems, and almost a whole cm shorter than their cervix's.

I've been thinking lately about requesting my records from the Perinatal Center surrounding Riley. I have always felt that there was something missing in the picture but am unable to put the pieces together. I feel like I might not ever be able to get through the rest of my life without knowing. Yet logically, I know that it won't change things and it certainly won't bring him back to us.

I spoke to Derick about it today over lunch. He thinks it's going to be a mistake. That it will open a can of worms that we will never be able to put a lid on. He also said that the best case scenerio is that we'll see what we've always suspected. And the worst case is a bit worse than that. He's concerned that it will make me angry again after we've worked so hard to let go of that anger. He's also concerned that it will make me sad and says that he doesn't want me to go through that...or put Lily through that. So what do I do? Is it a mistake to request them?

I wish September were here

I can't help but want to go to sleep and wake up in September. Or ok, like the song goes, "Wake me up, when September ends." Lily will be here, safely, and we'll be starting to adjuse to our new lives. We'll feel joy again. It's been so long since joy's even been a part of my vocabulary. I can't remember the last time. Probably when I heard Dylan's heart beat for the last time. That was joy, but I don't remember the feeling. I seemed to have blocked it out of my mind. Maybe it's a good thing, but damn do I long for that feeling again.

She's moving around a lot now. I wish that Derick could feel her. Then he'd know her like I know her. I want him to love her like I love her. Although judging by the clothes in her closet bought by her dad, I know that he does already.

Here's something fucked up...if she dies now, we'll recieve a certificate of stillbirth or something. At least she'll be stillborn and not just 'miscarried' vaginally through hours of hard labor, pain, and undeniable grief. Maybe she'll even live for a little while, and at least we'd be able to see her chest rise and fall once. Maybe we could get that lucky. Or we could be like that girl who lied about her baby's gestation and told the doctors that she was 23 weeks when in reality she was only 21. Maybe Lily would have a chance then.

If Derick read this, which he probably will, he'd be upset with me for even thinking those thoughts. But what else can I do except wait for September to come?

Maybe I'll get really lucky and go to sleep tonight and wake up when September's gone.



Wow, 2 crazy posts in one day! I'm on a roll

3 weeks

I'm starting to go crazy here. I'm so close to being at viabilty, but it seems like it's so far away. The coveted 24 weeks is something that I've only dreamed of, and I feel like something is going to happen...something MUST happen in the next 3 weeks to end this ride that I've been on.

I woke up this morning horribly bloated, and now I'm worried that I'm leaking fluid. I'm not, I checked and there is nothing coming out, but my mind keeps going there everytime I feel the *normal* pregnancy discharge. I'm a bit constipated, and like I said, bloated and I keep thinking that those are contractions. I've laid in bed for a while with my hand on my belly waiting for a 'contraction' that never comes. The logical side of me says that I went to the doctor this morning, and she was fine. Yet the irrational side of me remembers the girl at group crying while telling me that she lost her baby because of the doctor that I saw today. It's a group practice, and while I LOVE my doctor I have to see all the doctors before I can go back. Today is the first and last time I'll see that doctor. In fact, I didn't even want to see him to begin with but I knew the rules when I became a patient there. I left feeling like I didn't get anything accomplished. Usually, my doctor brings me right into the u/s room to make sure that there is no funneling. To give me piece of mind, to see her move, and to watch her heart beat. This doctor came in, used the dopplar, felt my uterus, asked if I had any questions and didn't really answer the questions that I had and left. It took about 10 mins total and my doctor schedules 30 full minutes with me. Sometimes he even has to fit me in so he schedules me for his lunch period just so that he can see me. I hate that doctor, I won't see him again...he overlooked the other lady, what if he overlooked something today?

I can't stand these feelings and lately I've been really positive about things. But I'm just scared. God, please just let me make it until 24 weeks. If Lily needs to come then, I can handle it. But I can't handle not having her with me at all. I'm to attached, I love her to much to loose her.

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That was me, yesterday. I am feeling a bit better today, but still petrified. The pain I was feeling yesterday was around my incision, I though. But then I realized that it was actually my cerclage. Three different doctors have warned me that I'll start to feel more pain the heavier she gets. They were right, I guess. Derick reminded me last night that they said it was normal and nothing to be alarmed about. By the time last night rolled around I was checking for fluid, worried about the pain, and my hips hurt so badly that I could barely walk. Add to the fact that the nurse jammed the needle for the progesterone into my hip and I thought I was going to die. Miserable. I went to sleep and woke up at 12:30 this afternoon. It was a nice sleep...uninterupted with no worries. Sometimes we all need that, I guess.

Today I'm thinking that I can make it to 22 weeks. Hell, that's only a few days away. If I can make it to 22 weeks, I can do 23. And if I do 23, it's only one week away from 24. Maybe I can make it, but not rationally it seems. You would think that with all the doctors that I see I would feel more confident by now. Sometimes I do, yes, but other times I just can't help it.

At the OB yesterday there was a women, 36 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. We overheard the nurse calling the hospital to let them know she was coming. Apparently the baby had been moving irradically and the baby's heart rate was 220. Hopefully they did a c-section. I'm sure they did, but the OB wasn't fooling around. It was nice, really, as so many of us have been overlooked. I really just hope that her baby is here safely and I don't see her at the next group meeting. I don't think that helped my frame of mind.

Things today, better. Not great, but better.

Happy Mother's Day

Today has been so bittersweet so far. Today is the 2nd anniversary of Dylan's funeral. That seems cruel, doesn't it? I've been so down about this week and thankfully it's almost over...

I awoke this morning to Derick standing over me with some roses and a tiny stuffed animal, a card, a magazine, and some Sweedish Fish. I read the card, cried, and he held me for a while. Lilo had been eyeing up the tiny stuffed animal since the moment he walked in the door. Guess what she's playing with now? Talk about spoiled...

How has your Mother's Day gone so far? Ok, I hope. I wish you all peace today and always. I have a favorite poem, that I wanted to share with you today.

Oh Mother, my Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child

Happy Mother's Day to all.

Irony

Two years ago today.

I should be celebrating Dylan's 2nd birthday, but instead we visited the cemetary. I'm saddened to say that there are two freshly dug graves just to the side of them. We brought balloons to them, and Derick demanded that we get one for Riley too. We don't want him to be left out, he said, babies don't understand birthdays and getting something for one and not the other. We got a cute firetruck one for Dylan for his birthday and a dog on another that said missing you for Riley. Then we got two latex balloons, one blue that said Happy Birthday, and a plain red one and we let them go, high up to heaven. Derick asked how long I thought they go up before they burst. I replied simply, they don't burst...they go to heaven!! We cried a little, but for the most part it was ok.

No doubt it's still extremely painful, but we've accepted things. We are ok. It's amaizing what 2 years can do for a person. Today, a day that I never thought would be ok, is.

Derick unpacked the boys scrapbooks the other night. In Dylan's I had written:

You made such a profound impact on our lives that I can't imagine what you would have done for everyone else. I never knew that someone so tiny, and who I have never seen take a breath, could make such an impact on my life. You taught me so many things, but most importantly, you taught me how to love. So if there is anything I can pass onto your little brothers and sisters, it's how much you loved us. You loved us so much and knew that we loved you that you felt it was ok to leave.

You were perfect. Our perfect little boy. Your tiny fingers and toes and ears and a nose. It was just amazing. I still can't believe that you are a part of me. You took a big part of my heart to heaven with you, and I can feel the emptiness there. But if makes me feel good to know that you have it, waiting for me to get to heaven. We will be a family again, I promise.

The Irony, I guess, comes in the fact that we bought a crib today. I never in my lifetime ever thought that I would buy a crib. We've come so far, lost so much, and hope for a life that is ours sgain.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I will love you until the end of time.

You don't give up, do you?

We spent the evening with my Dad's family. They have not been very supportive of us since we lost the boys, and sadly they aren't much more now. My Dad's sister has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and has decided at this point, it's best to stop chemo and live the rest of her life the best she can. Today was my grandmother's birthday and the whole family surrounded her. We had to take a family picture, with my aunt in attendance. It's not the last time we are going to see her, but I guess my grandparents are afraid that it could be the last time that everyone is together. One uncle is in NYC, another in Norfolk, VA, and yet another in Washington DC. So it's not easy to get us all together...especially her grandchildren.

At dinner my grandfather started grilling Derick and I about how we are paying our bills. He doesn't get that I can't work at the moment and any type of work would be disasterous for my dissability...and that's not a risk we can take right now. Derick started a new job and is working each and every weekend so we can get caught up on things. It's double-time on the weekends, so it helps a lot. But he wanted to know EXACTLy why Derick isn't getting a second job. It's aggravating, really. He's not paying our bills...in fact, he hasn't even called to see how we are. Eventually he got distracted and got up, my grandmother sat down next to me. She went on to say that my cousins IC have nothing to do with me. She basically made me feel like I'm all on my own...a freak of the family...a woman that can't carry a child. My uncle's partner sat down on the other side of me and proceeded to as how I was. I told him, and then I told him that I was pregnant again. The words out of his mouth blew me away.

"Again?! Boy, you don't give up, do you?"
"No Sebastian, I don't give up. And certainly not on THIS!"

He got up and walked away. I couldn't believe it, and my grandmother heard the whole conversation. She's the one who keeps telling my parents that I should stop and enjoy the life that I have with my husband. I know she has a lot going through her mind right now, but what can't she get about our situation?

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On another note, we've finally decided on a name: Lillian Rylan

It's the only name that both of us can agree on. We'll call her Lily, and Rylan is both of her brother's names put together. We've been getting obscene comments on it, but we answer with a smile, "Oh, well it's funny you have an opinion. You didn't consult us when you named your children." It's quick, easy, and effective : )