I can't help but want to go to sleep and wake up in September. Or ok, like the song goes, "Wake me up, when September ends." Lily will be here, safely, and we'll be starting to adjuse to our new lives. We'll feel joy again. It's been so long since joy's even been a part of my vocabulary. I can't remember the last time. Probably when I heard Dylan's heart beat for the last time. That was joy, but I don't remember the feeling. I seemed to have blocked it out of my mind. Maybe it's a good thing, but damn do I long for that feeling again.
She's moving around a lot now. I wish that Derick could feel her. Then he'd know her like I know her. I want him to love her like I love her. Although judging by the clothes in her closet bought by her dad, I know that he does already.
Here's something fucked up...if she dies now, we'll recieve a certificate of stillbirth or something. At least she'll be stillborn and not just 'miscarried' vaginally through hours of hard labor, pain, and undeniable grief. Maybe she'll even live for a little while, and at least we'd be able to see her chest rise and fall once. Maybe we could get that lucky. Or we could be like that girl who lied about her baby's gestation and told the doctors that she was 23 weeks when in reality she was only 21. Maybe Lily would have a chance then.
If Derick read this, which he probably will, he'd be upset with me for even thinking those thoughts. But what else can I do except wait for September to come?
Maybe I'll get really lucky and go to sleep tonight and wake up when September's gone.
Wow, 2 crazy posts in one day! I'm on a roll
Friday, May 23, 2008
I wish September were here
Posted by Becky at 9:34 PM
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3 comments:
We're a bunch of freaks, huh? Normal pregnant women write about daycare and strollers. We write about viability and stillbirth certificates. *sigh*
You are on a roll! Let it all out- we're all listening and more than likely feeling or thinking the same thing. Like Antigone said, we're freaks and I'm okay with that.
As you know the stillbirth/miscarriage thing gets me every time. It's so unfair.
I think part of the reason I don't say everything I have to say on my own blog isn't just because I'm afraid you all will judge me, but because I feel my husband will. I want to be able to let it all out and not have anyone worry about me, or my DH get mad at me for something I was feeling. I know some people suggested I go private, but he'd still read it.
So Derick, if you're reading this...don't get mad at Becky. Her hormones make her a little nuts and sometimes she just needs to unwind...now give her a foot massage.
I'm not even thinking about january yet. Nemo is due just before my birthday and I'm scared. If he/she doesn't make it.. It'll probably be the most depressing birthday ever. I hope your girl makes it to full term and is super healthy and happy. Derick might understand.. except that he is a guy, and they usually have trouble understanding these things.. well because they don't have a living thing inside them depending on them for life. And causing crazy hormonal rushes.. I hope he understands, at least somewhat..
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