3 weeks

I'm starting to go crazy here. I'm so close to being at viabilty, but it seems like it's so far away. The coveted 24 weeks is something that I've only dreamed of, and I feel like something is going to happen...something MUST happen in the next 3 weeks to end this ride that I've been on.

I woke up this morning horribly bloated, and now I'm worried that I'm leaking fluid. I'm not, I checked and there is nothing coming out, but my mind keeps going there everytime I feel the *normal* pregnancy discharge. I'm a bit constipated, and like I said, bloated and I keep thinking that those are contractions. I've laid in bed for a while with my hand on my belly waiting for a 'contraction' that never comes. The logical side of me says that I went to the doctor this morning, and she was fine. Yet the irrational side of me remembers the girl at group crying while telling me that she lost her baby because of the doctor that I saw today. It's a group practice, and while I LOVE my doctor I have to see all the doctors before I can go back. Today is the first and last time I'll see that doctor. In fact, I didn't even want to see him to begin with but I knew the rules when I became a patient there. I left feeling like I didn't get anything accomplished. Usually, my doctor brings me right into the u/s room to make sure that there is no funneling. To give me piece of mind, to see her move, and to watch her heart beat. This doctor came in, used the dopplar, felt my uterus, asked if I had any questions and didn't really answer the questions that I had and left. It took about 10 mins total and my doctor schedules 30 full minutes with me. Sometimes he even has to fit me in so he schedules me for his lunch period just so that he can see me. I hate that doctor, I won't see him again...he overlooked the other lady, what if he overlooked something today?

I can't stand these feelings and lately I've been really positive about things. But I'm just scared. God, please just let me make it until 24 weeks. If Lily needs to come then, I can handle it. But I can't handle not having her with me at all. I'm to attached, I love her to much to loose her.

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That was me, yesterday. I am feeling a bit better today, but still petrified. The pain I was feeling yesterday was around my incision, I though. But then I realized that it was actually my cerclage. Three different doctors have warned me that I'll start to feel more pain the heavier she gets. They were right, I guess. Derick reminded me last night that they said it was normal and nothing to be alarmed about. By the time last night rolled around I was checking for fluid, worried about the pain, and my hips hurt so badly that I could barely walk. Add to the fact that the nurse jammed the needle for the progesterone into my hip and I thought I was going to die. Miserable. I went to sleep and woke up at 12:30 this afternoon. It was a nice sleep...uninterupted with no worries. Sometimes we all need that, I guess.

Today I'm thinking that I can make it to 22 weeks. Hell, that's only a few days away. If I can make it to 22 weeks, I can do 23. And if I do 23, it's only one week away from 24. Maybe I can make it, but not rationally it seems. You would think that with all the doctors that I see I would feel more confident by now. Sometimes I do, yes, but other times I just can't help it.

At the OB yesterday there was a women, 36 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. We overheard the nurse calling the hospital to let them know she was coming. Apparently the baby had been moving irradically and the baby's heart rate was 220. Hopefully they did a c-section. I'm sure they did, but the OB wasn't fooling around. It was nice, really, as so many of us have been overlooked. I really just hope that her baby is here safely and I don't see her at the next group meeting. I don't think that helped my frame of mind.

Things today, better. Not great, but better.