Irony

Two years ago today.

I should be celebrating Dylan's 2nd birthday, but instead we visited the cemetary. I'm saddened to say that there are two freshly dug graves just to the side of them. We brought balloons to them, and Derick demanded that we get one for Riley too. We don't want him to be left out, he said, babies don't understand birthdays and getting something for one and not the other. We got a cute firetruck one for Dylan for his birthday and a dog on another that said missing you for Riley. Then we got two latex balloons, one blue that said Happy Birthday, and a plain red one and we let them go, high up to heaven. Derick asked how long I thought they go up before they burst. I replied simply, they don't burst...they go to heaven!! We cried a little, but for the most part it was ok.

No doubt it's still extremely painful, but we've accepted things. We are ok. It's amaizing what 2 years can do for a person. Today, a day that I never thought would be ok, is.

Derick unpacked the boys scrapbooks the other night. In Dylan's I had written:

You made such a profound impact on our lives that I can't imagine what you would have done for everyone else. I never knew that someone so tiny, and who I have never seen take a breath, could make such an impact on my life. You taught me so many things, but most importantly, you taught me how to love. So if there is anything I can pass onto your little brothers and sisters, it's how much you loved us. You loved us so much and knew that we loved you that you felt it was ok to leave.

You were perfect. Our perfect little boy. Your tiny fingers and toes and ears and a nose. It was just amazing. I still can't believe that you are a part of me. You took a big part of my heart to heaven with you, and I can feel the emptiness there. But if makes me feel good to know that you have it, waiting for me to get to heaven. We will be a family again, I promise.

The Irony, I guess, comes in the fact that we bought a crib today. I never in my lifetime ever thought that I would buy a crib. We've come so far, lost so much, and hope for a life that is ours sgain.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I will love you until the end of time.