Saturday, January 19, 2008


"If when you are at the edge of life, go ahead and take the step. If God doesn't provide the foundation He will give you wings."

Monica H sent me this quote the other day in response to my post about jumping off of a bridge. I've decided to take the leap. I just can't imagine my life any other way.

Currently I'm in the 2ww. I should expect my perid next week sometime after Tuesday. I have no signs that I'm pregnant, except for some spotting earlier in the week and cramps. No nausuea, no sore breasts...nothing. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. Onto the next one I guess... But there's still a part of me that is hopeful only because with Riley I had no symptoms either and I was most certainly pregant with him. So maybe it's not a bust....or maybe I'm just setting myself up for dissapointment. But if it's not going to happen I would prefer that my period start sooner than later because the sooner it starts, the sooner we can try again for another month. I wish that it would just happen. I wish that I could will myself pregnant like all of the other teenagers trying to trap their boyfriends : )

I've never been obsessed with TTC. But I find myself this time completely obsessed. I obsessively try and read my body...could this be, could it not be? The rational part of me is like, "It's going to happen when it happens." But the control freak part of me wants to control every aspect of things.

My good friend Lisa thinks it's going to happen soon. I think it's going to happen for her soon too. Maybe we are just destined to be pregnant together with our cervix's stitched shut, and our big bellies. We can shop together, and register together, and ride around in our motorized carts together at Walmart.

Now I'm getting ahead of myself...but she had a valid point. In the last week I've had 2 dreams that I was dying and one dream that another baby died. In the dream that the baby died, I kept having to give him CPR because he would just die. Then he would breathe again and die, and I'd give him CPR again. Anyway, Lisa said that dreams about death mean that a baby is going to be born.

So maybe I'm not crazy afterall...


M said...

I had no noticeably different symptoms this time either. And I've heard that about dying dreams too. Maybe you should grab a tarot deck :)

Monica H said...

I sometimes have dreams that we are carrying a baby ina car seat.

Oh, and last night i had a dream that Mr. H cheated on me (for over a year) and I didn't know. How sad :(