Emotionally drained

Some week...

My aunt lost her battle with cancer early Monday morning. She passed away at home, and from what I know, in her sleep. She had fierce determination, and even showed it as she was slipping away. We're hanging in there...but it's hard.

Lily is doing very well. She amazes me every single time that I see her. Today she is a week old. I'm exahusted going back and forth to the NICU. We see her in the morning, and then I come back at night to check her weight, give her a bath, hold her while she's eating, and kiss her goodnight. If I can I try to stop by in the afternoon. Yesterday she started sucking on a pacifier, and by the time we got there this morning she was sucking from a bottle. Not a lot, but it's incredible progress. The suck reflex isn't something that typically appears closer to 34 weeks. She might be home sooner than later. Dare I say, the next 2 weeks or so?!

It's been such a strange, emotional week. The Circle of Life. It's how things work, right? My family tries to comfort me by telling me that. I would much rather see Lily in my aunts arms. Lily has the same fire that she displayed. She has that same fierce determination. She's a fighter. Just like my aunt.

I'm thinking now of my aunt's wedding day. I have little recollection. But what I do remember is standing in the driveway, all dressed, looking at the horse-drawn carriage. The decorations were exquisite, the dress was extraordinary, and my aunt was beautiful. I remember when she brought her first born daughter home from the hospital. I watched carefully over the changing table as she changed her diapers. We baked cookies together. Every year, dozens and dozens of cookies. She taught me how to sew. Together we made a blanket for my grandmother when she was dying of cancer. My grandfather gave it back to me after she passed, but it kept her warm when she was undergoing treatment. She was overjoyed when I was pregnant with Dylan, but sadly she backed away after we lost him. She didn't call and I became angry and hurt. I have no doubt that she's found them, and she's holding them in her arms as we speak. I miss her already, but I'm still in shock. The last week has been full of ups and downs, and I'm just...done.