Last post in a baby-free home

Tomorrow is the day. We waited all afternoon to see the doctor, and when he was about to leave for his haircut the nurse interupted quickly to ask why exactly Lily was still there. Have you had monitor training? Of course not! No one told us to take monitor training. That's why she's still here. Get the training tomorrow afternoon and she can come home tomorrow night.

If we hadn't asked, how the hell long would she have been there?!

So tonight is the last night alone, by ourselves, and with little confusion and lots of stress...

If you had asked me one year ago today if I would ever have a living child, I would have bet you a million dollars that I wouldn't. If you had asked 2 months ago if we'd have a baby in the NICU, I would have bet money on that too. But for whatever reason we've been given this incredible opportunity to have a beautiful little girl and for that I can't be thankful enough.

Yet there is still this pain in my heart...a missing link in our family...and deffinately empty space in our pictures. Other people can't see it, but for us it's there and it's impossible to ignore. Not a day passes that I don't think of all my children. Understandably, when I see little boys in the NICU my heart skips a little bit. Elija, today for example, stared at me for an hour at least. His eyes were wide open, and I wondered if he knew. Maybe he could see something that I couldn't see. Or maybe he wondered why his parents didn't come and visit...a topic that seriously distresses me. The pain is absolutely magnified by those who don't visit their children, or those who can't care for them and it's visible. Last week they actually had to call CPS because someone didn't pick up their child. Such incredibly beautiful, strong children...how could someone NOT pick them up?!

So tonight, on the eve of picking up my daughter and finally bringing her home, I can't help but think about my boys and your children. The one's that should be here, but aren't. I miss them...all of them. Your's and mine. But my heart and my home are finally filled with a smile that I can't resist. A joy and a strange sadness at the same time. But those are feelings that I hope you all can feel someday. Fill your homes with love and have a lot of patience. Good things happen when we are a little patient. Coming from me, the most impatient person on Earth, that is saying a lot!

Lots of love to you all and I can't thank you enough for your strength, prayers, and love. Lily has no idea how many people in this world love her already.