Becky can give her the bottle tonight, Derick says. He thrusts her into my arms. The nurse warms her bottle. I snuggle with her for a moment, and the bottle is done.
She's trying to suck on her shoulder's. She's hungry and lets out a wail louder than I've ever heard from her. I take the bottle, she opens her mouth and begins to suck.
Before I know it, the monitor goes off and her heart rate is dropping. I see the numbers drop, but it takes me a moment for it to register. Pat her on the back! You have to watch her, Becky! Derick yells at me. Up they go, up, up, and up. She's ok. For now.
She does this because she drinks to fast and doesn't take time to swallow. All baby's do it, they say, It's just that they aren't hooked up to monitors to see it.
I start to sob silently by her bedside.
What is wrong with me that I can't react fast enough when my baby chokes? What if she dies when she gets home because of me? What if I kill her?
I'm scared to feed her. Scared to hold her. Terrified of bringing her home.
Please God, don't let her die too.
~*~*~*~*~*~
She seems to have these 'episodes' more with breast milk than formula. She's getting about half and half through the day, each fortified with extra calories. Does she like the formula better? Is it because the breast milk is thinner and comes out of the nipple faster? I don't know where to find the answers. I want desperately to nurse her, but it's not as easy as you would think considering there isn't anyone to teach you when it's your time. They make it look so easy...the lactation consultant is on vacation this week and Lily will be home soon. What if there is no time to learn?
Just when I think the PPD has subsided a little, it hits me like a truck...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Is she going to die too?
Posted by Becky at 11:54 PM
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10 comments:
Aww Becky those kind of fears are normal for any parent with a new baby, let alone one born prematurely AND after a loss.
My Li'l Miss is 16 months and I still have occasional moments of panic like you had. It does get easier though, and the bigger Lily gets, the less panic and stress you will feel.
Oh honey breastmilk does come out faster. I had no idea but when I bought some bottles it said the size one nipple was for breastmilk or juice and size 2 was for formula, which is when i looked it up.
Listen, from someone who has experienced ppd, if it keeps up hon let them put you on meds, just to help. You have so much on your plate right now.
My son is almost 3, my daughter almost 7 and I have never experienced a loss and I still get panic attacks about what if something happens to them. Everymorning I listen to the monitor in Connors room and i panic if i can't hear him stir or something. And he is almost 3.
Hugs and I am here if you ever want to talk.
Heather (from ivillage)
Oh hun big huge hugs. My dd went through that and she was born at 36wk. On the breastfeeding thing. Can they have one of the labor and delivery nurses teach you how when the time comes? All of ours are trained to do that in case the LC is on vacay. Big hugs hun.
Oh Sweetie, the nurses are right, it does happen to all babies. Jason used to choke all the time while nursing. My milk would come out too fast for him to swallow. She is a little girl and the bottle probably is coming very fast for her. Don't beat yourself up :( As she gets bigger I bet the flow of the bottle's nipple will be more appropriate for her.
The fears will get easier to deal with, but they are always there. When Lily is starting to walk you'll feel so awful the first time she falls and bumps her head (or gets a bloody mouth like J). But she will be okay.
You will too. (((hugs)))
Oh and when she chokes and milk comes out of her nose that is okay too :) Scary as hell! But apparently normal :)
*BIG HUGE HUG* Sweety, it is completely normal to have these fears. You are going to be a wonderful mother and Derrick is going to be a wonderful father; believe that! God has brought you two this far and he will not give up on you. Lily is your little miracle that God blessed you with!
those fears are completely normal my dear, I'd worry if you didn't have them. Just breathe, take deep breaths. take it one hour one day and so on at a time....the what ifs and worrying about 2 days from now will drive you crazy, I bet within the next 30 days you're an old pro and don't even realize that you've become so comfortable doing all of these things. we make mistakes to learn, you're learning, don't fear that. welcome it.
I'm hoping that truck slows down and gives you a much needed break. All this parenting stuff is new and you're still learning. DOn't give up and don't think you're going to kill her. You won't.
don't worry so much becky (i know easier said than done!) payton was my little miracle after losing ~willie~, and i was so scared about everything with him! in fact, even after 18 months i am still nervous about so much! i think that it is perfectly normal. you both already are great parents, worrying about everything just comes with the territory!
lots of hugs!
nicole
niccalvin14
You are perfectly normal. you are just a new parent! It will all come together once you have a routine. Lily is going to be fine. Breast milk is thinner, but great for her. she does not like the icky formula better than your milk. Maybe you guys could switch the nipple? Things will get better just hang in there. Hugs and love.
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