Out of body experience?

I'm pretty sure I had an out of body experience last night.

I was laying in bed, almost alseep. I could feel myself moving. I grasped onto the sheets and blankets so that I would stay put. But I couldn't move.

I saw Dylan and Riley in a nursery. But it wasn't Dylan and Riley as I know them. They were shimmering swirls of clouds, one a little bigger than the other. I tried to yell for Derick, Can you see them? They are here to see us! They're here! But I couldn't yell or move or anything. I stopped to look at the mobile hanging from the ceiling. It was amazingly beautiful. Planets and stars and moons hanging from the silvery strands and shimmering. I tried to look into the crib, I was a little afraid, but so excited to see Dylan and Riley. When I turned to look inside, I heard someone say "She can't do it. She's not ready."

Then I was back in my bed, just able to move and speak again.

What the heck does that mean? It seems so signifigant, but I either can't see the signifigance of it or I don't want to see the signifigance of it. Does it mean that I'm not ready to have another child? I feel that I am. I really do. Does it mean that I'm just not ready to face what was inside the crib? Maybe. But what could have been inside the crib? Why were Dylan and Riley calling to me? What did they need or what did they want to show me?

The swirly clouds must have been their little souls. I can't believe they found me. I was their mother, a real mother, for that short time. I wish that I had told them how much I loved them. I do everyday, but it would have been nice to tell them at that moment. They must know though because otherwise I don't think they would have been there. I was so excited. I wanted Derick to come so badly. I wanted Derick to see them like I did. He was a little dissapointed, I think, because he hasn't seen them yet. I saw Dylan after we first lost him, but not Riley. It was the first time, and deffinately the most real.

I've felt them around me before. Sometimes when I'm about to drift off to sleep I open my eyes and I swear I see them. The same way though, little white clouds. I have never known if it was them or if I was just seeing a trick of the moonlight. Maybe it is them. They must be with me more often than I have thought. They guide me through everything that I do.

Great. Now I feel like I'm lumped in with the people who've been abduted by aliens. Now I'm the girl who sees dead babies.

Strangely enough, and I'm genuinely afraid to say anything, but my period is due tomorrow and I don't feel any normal signs that I'm getting it. It would be impossible to be pregnant though, we've always used condoms. I know that they don't always work, but the chances are very slim. I'm not going to get my hopes up. It's not a good time, I know. Derick and I already went over this once today. It's not a good time. But we could make it work if it happened. I know that we could. We would be ok. Maybe that's what they were trying to show me.

We will be ok.

Dissapointed in myself

I'm dissapointed in myself. I had to break down and return to taking my Zoloft. I was doing so well. Or I thought so at least. But this week has just put me through the wringer.

I know that grief comes in waves. I know that the worst, darkest months I had after Dylan died were in July, August, and September. I'm at the same point after Riley's death. It's been almost 3 months. Three excrutiatingly long months. I feel like I'm back to bargaining again. I would do anything to have Riley here with me. God, I would do anything. But there is nothing that can be done. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to have either of my boys back with me. I have to accept that, and most times I do...it's just so hard when things are so dark.

Derick and I came to a mutual agreement that it's best to start taking the Zoloft again. I cried myself to sleep almost every day this week. I feel better, but I had hoped I could start to wean myself off of it. Derick says that even though I am strong and rediculously stubborn, sometimes I have to give in because I can't fight it all. He's right, I know it. But I'm still dissapointed.

Shitty day, shitty week

I know this week is always hard for me...under normal circumstances. I should have been more prepared. On the 18th it is the 12 year anniversary of the death of my beloved grandmother. St. Patricks day was her absolute favorite holiday and I can't even decorate for it anymore let alone celebrate it. Not since she died, at least. So I dread the holiday coming up too.

I found out today that Lex is having a boy. A boy. Why couldn't she have a girl? Why a boy? Doesn't God know how much that hurts me? Doesn't he know that I've been crying all day because of it? Mom said that she went to see a Peri yesterday about her cervix. Her OB is concerned. Great. Now I'm terrified on top of being so hurt. I know that she's past the point of a preventative cerclage. Rescue cerclages don't work that often. And she's possibly facing a long time of bedrest. I asked my aunt her cervix meassurement...she said she didn't know but she wasn't concerned. Not concerned? How could you say that after what I have been through...with the same problem?!'

Aunt Mil called and had enough nerve to tell mom that she was concerned about me grieving unhealthily. I should be over things by now.

Things like these are what keep me isolated from my family. I feel so lonely around them these days. No one seems to understand. And how could they? It's impossible for them to get it. Their children are alive.

So many things have happened in the past 2 years that my life isn't even close to what it was when I left for Florida.
Here's the rundown...

June 2005- I hurt my ankle, out of work until September
July 2005- bills getting tight
August 2005- ask for loan from grandparents
October 2005- we get married
November 2005- put house on the market
January 2006- house sells; we move...make almost $10k less than we expected
brother deploys to Quatar
early miscarriage
Febuary 2006- pregnant with Dylan
March 2006- hear Dylan's heartbeat
April 2006- move back to PA
May 2006- loose Dylan
June 2006- Derick's car gets reposessed because of funeral costs
July 2006- diagnosed with depression
September 2006- find great job
brother deployed to Iraq
October 2006- pregnant with Riley
loose job because of being pregnant
December 2006- cerclage placed
cervix opens
loose Riley

Thats a lot of bad things and not nearly enough good things. Most we couldn't have controlled, although some we could have made better choices. I'll admit that. But now things are looking up at least financially. I brought this up because Derick and I were trying to remember what the happiest part of our married life was so far. Deffinately being pregnant, but it is sort of bittersweet I guess...it started so blissful and ended so tragically.

The baby department...thats another story. But we'll get there, I guess. Not without lots of tears though.

What I want to say

I've been having a string of particularly bad days. Mom said that she talked to Lex last night for her birthday. She's 14w pregnant. She asked how I was doing. Mom told her I was ok. Ok? Why do I always say I'm 'ok' when people ask? I'm NOT ok! What I wanted Mom to tell her was that when her baby's heart started beating, my baby's stopped. When she went to her first prenatal visit, I went to the visit to hear that I might not ever have kids. While she's happy and blissful, I'm so, so sad.

On tv last night I heard a man say that "Every parent knows what it's like to put a baby to sleep..." No, every parent doesn't know. Please explain. Help me to understand why it's so hard to hear your child cry. Please explain to me how frustrating it can be to not be able to get them to sleep for a few hours. Please explain, I really want to know. Please explain these things to a parent who will go an eternity without hearing their child cry, without being able to put their child to sleep, and to a parent who has go through life not being able to wake up with their child in the next room. Please explain, because not 'Every Parent' knows.

Derick took me to Cabella's yesterday. He likes it there. It's like a man's toystore. I referenced it as the 'House of Furry Horror's.' He didn't explain to me that there were dead, stuffed animal carcasses hanging on the walls. There were rooms FILLED with dead stuffed furry animals. Even a chipmunk..how do you kill a chipmunk? Anyhow, he dragged me there under the pretense of the aquarium. He forgot to mention that they had dead animals. I'm by no means opposed to huntin, it's not for me but whatever...but what I have a problem with is people who hand dead animals on a wall. They kill them to hang...what's with that? They had a mechanical robot human thing there telling stories. I was suprised to see that it wasn't a 'real' taxidermied human being. It should have been because really, what's so wrong with a stuffed human in a room full of stuffed animals? I'm a proud catch and releaser....but anyway...that's not the point of this story. The point is that there were babies all over the place. Little boys with their dad's running around, and crying to their moms. I found myself looking into every stroller, or staring I guess, because I was wondering what Dylan and Riley would look like. I thought, "That baby has brown hair, what would Dylan and Riley's look like?" That baby is about 6 months old, is that what Dylan would be doing? It hurt to look, but it hurt even more not to.

We looked at apartments today. Our first joy in a long time. We decided on a place, although we have some work to do on our credit. But hopefully by June we should be alright. Fingers crossed of course!

Must be fate!

Derick got some paperwork from Scott's the other day. They offer a $5000 adotpion assistance. Not many companies do that, and I certainly didn't think that they would. It must be fate! Now I'm anxious to find out if Amex offers some sort of adoption assistance too. That would be really nice.

I'm nervous about a few things though. I'm worried about a homestudy...if we will have enough money saved to prove that we can take care of a child...if my depression or the fact that I took antidepressants will show that I'm mentally ill even though I'm not...if we will be good enough to get through. I hate the worry. I always have something to worry about. What if they think we don't deserve to have a child though?

It's a long ways out. I know. But I'm so worried already. I guess just because at this point I can't imagine it not being a part of my life. I'm afraid that if the option is taken away from us that it will feel as though I'm loosing a child all over again. I want more than anything for an adopted child to be a part of our lives. I want more than anything to be a mother to a child who desperately needs it. But what if I get so attached to the idea of it, and then things don't pan out...I will feel like I lost another child in my heart. I don't know how to deal with that. I guess it's worries that we all struggle with.

Maybe because it wasn't easy to accept the fact that we may not have children of our own. It wasn't easy to accept that our babies would be born to another mother. I will never feel them move inside me, yet I will recieve the best part of them. What will happen to me if I'm preparing for this major event in my life, but it never happens? I keep seeing this baby in my head...sometimes he or she has dark skin, sometimes he or she has Asian eyes, sometimes he or she has poker straight hair...who am I kidding...usually when I picture the child it's a she! Sometimes I picture a little Russian boy with platinum blonde hair wearing Leiderhosen (sp?). I don't know why he is wearing Liederhosen...that's German...but I don't know what little boys wear in Russia! I picture these awful orphaneges and me waltzing in there and saving the life of a child that I want and need just as much as he or she wants and needs me.

What if I loose my dreams all over again? I don't know if I can come back from that. It almost puts me into an anxiety attack just thinking about! Breathe Becky! Breathe! Things will work out...there is no sense getting worked up all over it now!

The Cemetary

We went to the cemetary today. Derick and I. I bought some shamrocks from AC Moore to put by their teddy bears and I wanted to be sure that I brought them in time for St. Patricks Day.

When I was a kid, St. Patty's day was my favorite. My Mimi used to go all out for us. She was Irish. We would stay over at their house the night before, and when we woke up in the morning the Leprechauns came and turned the milk green, the pancakes green, and the mashed potatoes green for dinner. Sometimes she would make potatoe pancakes, but not often. Only if we were good. She would put the green milk in her coffee like there was nothing different about it. And go about the day whisteling to herself or singing Irish songs. She would send us out searching for 4-leaf clovers and laugh when or if we found one. She would decorate the house....although she always had shamrocks and things around. So it wasn't much more than usual. My grandfather, though, is Italian. But still, since he knew how much she loved it, he would go ALL OUT and decorate the house outside. He loved to do it for her. But he hasn't since she passed away nearly 12 years ago. She loved the day so much, in fact, that she was on her death bed in the hospital and she died at 1:01am on March 18th. She just had to make it past St. Patty's day on the 17th. It always stop and say a prayer or two on St. Pattys day.

I know that Dylan and Riley will have such a special day with her. She will make it just as magical for them as she made it for me.

There was also some snow still on their side of the cemetary. The side without any sun. Derick chose that side because the grass was so green and it was shady in the summer. The snow was still fresh, and powdery. There had been no one else in there as there were not human footprints through the snow. Yet on that side, you could see the bunny tracks. It looked as though it stopped at every grave, got to Dylan and Riley's and went around it in a circle, stopped, and continued on it's way into the tree's. Derick and I laughed. We have come there many, many times just in time to see the bunny's running and playing. They eat the buds off the flowers. I would rather replace them because the bunny's ate them instead of them just dying. So I'm learning which ones they like, and those that they don't. They really like mums.

It was a peaceful day there. It's funny how quiet it is. There is a busy street in front, yet when you are in the midst of Baby Heaven it's as if the rest of the world has stopped and it's just us and our children, silently crying, but not always tears of sadness.

Wow!

Life is starting to look up!!

Derick had two interviews today. The first with a warehouse that paid well, but just a blah kind of job. And the second...would be almost a 'dream' job for him. Working outside again as a Lawncare Technician for Scott's Lawncare...fertilizer and pesticides and stuff.

He came back from the first looking a little discouraged. He said that they would let him know in 3-5 days if he got the job. The second, he came back from beaming! They offered him the job, right there on the spot! They offered him much, much more money than we had both anticipated!

Our luck has changed. Life is back in our hands again. We finally, finally passed the test!

We both start on March 19th.

Now we just have to get ourselves out of this financial slump, and we will do just fine! I can't believe it! Last week ended so terribly...and literally new doors were opened yesterday. We both ended up with our 'dream' jobs making decent money. We have our goals and our dreams back...we have a reason to work...and best of all...next year it's TAC and baby makin time! Yay!

What a weekend

What a shitty weekend. I wish that it was all over. I hate this. I hate life sometimes.

I wish that I had gone when Riley did.

Life is just so hard right now. Derick and I are fighting an uphill battle financially with no help or support from those around us. I just can't seem to find a job, despite all of the resumes I've sent out. And when I get an interview, either I blow it or it just doesn't happen. I don't know why. Have I changed that much in the past 10 months that makes me unhireable? What is wrong with me? I just don't get it. It's never taken me longer than a week to find a job, and here I am going on almost 2 months of DESPERATE searching.

Maybe I'm not as qualified as I think. Maybe they don't think that I can do the job. Maybe I don't possess something that they are after. Maybe I'm just not good enough.

It's not the bad luck that we had had before, but it's just a different type of sad. Before we didn't get any breaks. At least we get one here and there now. Our families are getting frustrated with us. We owe everyone money. I didn't expect to not work like this. I didn't expect to be not working this long. Because of me, our credit is shot and we are at the lowest point of our lives. Because of Dylan, I couldn't work. Because of Riley, I lost my job. It's not fair to blame them, and I'm not. But I can't help but wonder how things would have been different. How they would have played out. If we didn't have Dylan, we would still be in Florida in our house...the house that we owned together. We would still have our same jobs, the ones that we loved. We would be happy and independant. If we hadn't had Riley, I would still had my job. We would be almost out of our financial slump, and deffinately on our own by now. Instead, here we are. No babies. No family. No money. No job. No independance. Nothing. But we have each other. Sometimes though, that isn't enough. And that scares me. If we keep going on the track that we are, we aren't going to have anything...not even each other. If we continue on the track that we are, we might not even have ourselves.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of living this way. And it's going to take a long time to get out of this hole. We have doctors bills piled on top of doctors bills, a car payment, credit card bills (only like $500 but still), and we owe my parents, his parents, and my grandparents money. How on Earth are we going to get out? Seriously looking for suggetions...got any?

Invisible wings

I finally got ahold of Renee at the hospital today. She is the Perinatal Loss Consultant. She is in chanrge of all the stillbirths and miscarriages as well as memorial items and the support group. I had talked to her a few times on the phone in the last couple of weeks. She's very compassionate.

Anyway, I pulled into the parking lot to go in through the front doors. I turned off the car, took my seatbelt off, and there was a knock at my window. There was an old lady standing there with what looked like a permanent frown. I rolled down the window and she said, "You parked to close to my car. I can't even open my door!" I appologized, she frowned at me, and I said a few obscenities as I rolled back up the window. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry mam. But I'm trying to get up the nerve to go inside and pick up pictures of my dead baby." But instead I looked over and couldn't help but notice the 4ft between my car and hers. An elephant could have gotten into the car in that space! Her husband pulled out of there quicker than I could pull back into the spot. I got out, and walked through the doors. The same doors that not two months earlier I had ran in with amniotic fluid streaming down my legs. When I got to the information desk, I asked where Renee's office was. She didn't know who I was talking about. I mumbled quietly, almost unable to speak, "Renee W. She's the perinatal loss coordinator." The lady looked at me, and back down at her computer. I don't know, she said. Check at the Perinatal center. I turned and left, thanking her for the no help that she gave. And I wondered to myself how I was going to make it up there. The perinatal center. The last place I was that I was pregnant with Riley. The place that I was when they told me there was nothing they could do. The place where Dr. Bell looked through my eyes and into my heart and told me how very sorry he was, but I was going to loose my second son. I walked past the gift shop that just a few months ago I had marvelled at. I walked by the elevators and pushed the button. The elevator came down, I got on, and behind me a prgnant woman and a doctor got on as well. The lady looked like she was due the end of May. The tears started to come. The doctor was going on and on about how when his youngest child was a newborn his oldest children were just enthralled with him and blah blah blah. This time I was crying silent sobs. I stared at the numbers. It felt like I was on the elevator for hours. Ding. Their floor came. They got off, I sighed a big sigh of relief. Ding. There's my floor. I got off, turned to my right, and started walking. I got to the door of the Perinatal center and froze. For the first time I noticed the quilts on the walls. The quilts that had the names of each baby lost. The quilts that next year would hold the names of my babies. I turned back to the left and started walking down the hall towards the NICU. I asked a nurse at the nurses station. She took me to the office, and I walked in. Renee met me immediately with his pictures in her hand. You aren't going to look at these alone I hope, she said. No, of course not. I'm waiting for my husband. I'm waiting because I'm to afraid to open them I wanted to say. She walked me back to the elevators and stopped to show me her favorite quilt. She showed me the names and they were beautiful. Each year a different one. Each year with different babies. She said in 2006 they had 42 second and third trimester losses. That's a lot, almost one a week. I asked her about the woman who was in labor, knowing her baby had passed, at the same time I was. I wanted to know how she was doing. I think about her often. She told me she wasn't sure, but she would try to get a hold of her again to see. She said she would be sure to tell me if she was going to the support group or not. We chatted a bit, I shed a few tears, and then the babies started to cry. Their sweet newborn wail. The sound that haunts me at night. I got back into the elevator, went downstairs and out to the car. I met Derick at work, we looked at the pictures together. He was so much smaller than I remember. But beautiful.

I saw something that I want to get. It's quotes for your wall, but big and decorative. One said, "A baby is an angel with invisible wings." That's what I think of when I look at the pictures of my boys. Invisible wings.

She's pregnant?!

My mom spoke to my aunt last night. I have 10 other first cousins on my mom's side. The oldest is 29 and the youngest is 11. My brother and I are the only two that are married. Anyway, my mom hung up the phone with a funny smile on her face and asked me how old my oldest cousin was.

I knew that Lex was having problems with her cervix. She has HPV and has had numerous surgeries to remove the cancerous cells. She dates guys, changing them as often as I change my underwear. It's always been a family joke. But she's happy, nonetheless. And that's all that matters. She started dating this guy, who is very nice. And at Thanksgiving she mentioned to me that she wasn't using any birth control. She also said that her doctor told her that her cervix was shreaded and she would need a cerclage.

Her mother hasn't called us. She spoke to everyone else in the family, except for us. She's one of my closests aunts, and I'm hurt that she couldn't tell us. I guess she wanted to be sure before she said anything. But now my worry is that they won't say anything and I won't be able to tell Lex what I want to tell her about her medical care. I don't want her to get a TVC. I want her to go right for the TAC. I'm worried, is all. And I'm happy. Suprisingly. Happier than I thought I would be. If God willing everything turns out ok, the joy that the baby will bring my family will be immense. And if it works out for her, there is so much hope for me. I guess I'm not so upset because I feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

One year ago

My sweet Dylan,

My how time has flown. On this day, last year, we found that our lives were going to take a welcome turn. We found out that we were pregnant with you.

At that time, we had no idea what God had in store for us. We had no idea what to expect, or even how to go about being parents. But we knew, without a doubt, that we loved you more than life itself.

The day was a beautiful, warm day in Orlando. I dropped Daddy off to play golf with his friend, Mike. He told me to pick him up in a few hours. I had so much to do that day. We had just moved into a new house, and I had tons of unpacking to do. But I couldn't focus my attention on anything but you. I knew that my period was due the Monday before, and it hadn't come yet. So instead of going back home, I drove over to the outlet stores. I walked into the Carter's outlet, and they had a 70% off sale! It was fate! The woman at the store asked me if I needed help. I said, "No thank you. I'm just looking. Not even absolutely sure that I'm pregnant yet." But I was sure, without a doubt. Daddy and I had a conversation a few nights before. We had talked about a baby, and I knew. There was this feeling deep in my heart that I was pregnant. So I humored him, but kept my mouth shut. The night of the conversation, I had read that you can use an OPK as a pregnancy test...so I did. And it was positive. I knew for sure that I wasn't ovulating again! I walked around Carter's for at least an hour. Feeling all the soft baby fabrics, dreaming of little boys and dinosaurs and little girls and fairytales. I touched each fabric, lingered on the softest of soft blankets, and walked out of the store with a smile on my face. After Carter's, I went to the Dollar General to get some pregnancy tests. I snuck them in my purse, and left to go pick up Daddy from his golf game.

When we got back home, Lilo and Max were waiting patiently for us. Daddy let them out, and went onto the computer. I went into the bathroom in time to hear him say, "Don't take a pregnancy test yet. I don't want to be dissapointed." It was to late. By the time he said that, I already had the positive test in hand. I called to him, and he came running. Lilo and Max were right behind him. I sqeeled, "Do you see the plus sign?" I needed desperately to know that he saw what I did. He did. We hugged each other for so long, not wanting that moment to ever go away.

The next few weeks were filled with such memories. Sleepless nights worrying about how we were going to pay for your college, sleepless nights because my stomache was growling, and sleepless nights just because I wasn't comfortable! Daddy told me, "You can't be hungry already. I just can't eat anymore!" You grew so well. You were such a strong little boy.

Oh Dylan, I miss you so very much. It seems as though holding you and carrying you were just a dream. But it wasn't. It was more than a dream, although it feels like so very long ago. I wish sometimes that time would slow down a little just so that I can adjust a little more to life without you and Riley. But it can't. And I can't let it. I need life to keep on going, as hard as it is for us. Your little soul can't even imagine how much you have bettered me. At times, it's to much for my big soul to imagine. I love you more than life itself. I would do anything to have you and Riley back here with me, but I've tried everything I could think of. And it didn't work. So for now, we have to adjust to speaking to each other silently until I can hear your voice once again.

I love you baby boy. You will always be my first born son.

Love and kisses always,
Mommy

What a weekend

Friday I got a phone call from a guy about a job that I applied to. He wanted to set up an interview. So it's tomorrow. I'm excited, but in the course of reading to Derick what the job entailed, I saw that they were hiring for something else. A Multi-Day Tours Assistant. Fancy name for basically putting together things for group cruises, bus tours, charters, sending the information to the passenger, booking air fare, and keeping track of their files. It's what I've been looking to do for a long time. So I'm going to ask him to consider me for both positions. The guy was weird though, and the converstation was strange. I think he's a jerk, he thinks I'm crazy. This is pretty much how it went

Him: "Hi, may I speak to Rebecca?"
Me: "This is her."
Him: "Hi, this is so and so from Transbridge Tours, I was wondering if you could come in for an interview?"
Me: "Sure!"
Him: "I see that you left Guardian, do you mind telling me why?"
Me: "Uhh...I had some personal reasons."
Him: long pause
Me: "I found myself pregnant with a very high risk pregnancy, and needed to leave because of some complications...but we went on to loose that baby as well."
Him: "I really didn't need to know that much. That was really to much information."
Me: "I'm sorry about that. I never know exactly what to say when people ask me that."
Him: "How's Tuesday at 11?"

Now wouldn't you think that after a long pause, he would want you to elaborate some more? I thought that's what he wanted. I didn't want him to think that I left because I couldn't get along with people or management. Because that wasn't the case. But now I feel like an idiot and I think he's a jerk. Derick told me if I don't like it, I don't have to stay. But we need the money.

So on Saturday I went to Aunt Chris's for the afternoon. It was a huge step for me because I was out of my box. I went by myself, even though I wasn't completely comfortable, and ended up having a wonderful time. I had to leave though because Pop had a mass for Riley at 4:30 that afternoon. So I picked up Mom, and we went. We got there a bit late though because she missed the turn, so by the time we got there Pop and Aunt Chris were already seated and we had to take a seat in the back. I looked over at them and noticed a lady with a baby about 4 months old, the same as Dylan would have been had he been born in October. I started to cry. I saw Pop, and he was crying. I looked over again, and he was gone. About 30 mins later, he came over to me in the middle of the service and gave me a hug. I told him I loved him, and he went back to his seat, still crying. It broke my heart. I hate to see him so sad. I know how much he loves both of my boys, and his life has certainly changed because of them. It seems as though at 80 he has lost his innocence as well. Anyway, Mom rode home with him and he mentioned that the baby sitting in front of him just put him over the edge. I know what he meant. It was very hard. He was such a happy, playful baby and there we were...grieving two babies. I want so much for him to see a Great Grandchild before something happens to him, but at the same time I feel horrible for putting him through this one more time. I don't want him to see the pain on our faces, and I don't want to see the pain on his. He has so much love for children that I feel as though I'm taking that away from him. He and my grandmother had also suffered a miscarriage between the twins and my Aunt Mil. I think that he feels a lot of emotion from that as well and it doesn't help things.

On Sunday I was having a bad day. I woke up sad, and I just couldn't get out of it. Derick and I had a fight because I was sad and wanted a hug but he didn't know if I wanted to be left alone or if I wanted him to console me. So he left me a lone. Wrong! After we both got over it, we went to see Grandad since he came home from the hospital. I hate to say it, because I'm not one to feel this way, but I've lost so much respect, love, and appreciation for them in the past 8 months. When I say that I really don't care, I don't. I went over to see my aunt and uncle who had come in to town. We didn't leave without a lecture from my grandfather, and he managed to make a comment about his brother's family..."Their poor family. Out of 4 babies, they lost 2." I wanted to scream, "What about your family? What about me, your grandaughter? What about your Great Grandsons?" They see my grief as insignifigant. They think that I'm just overly sensitive. It makes me sad because I feel like Dylan and Riley don't even matter to them. To any of them. It hurts me tremendously. I don't think they will ever know the power of their words to Derick and I. At his suprise 80th birthday party he thanked all of his grandchildren, but he forgot to mention me. Then he had Heather stand up so that everyone could clap for my brother who was serving in Iraq at the time. I nearly walked out of the party, but instead I went into the other room and silently cried. I felt like I had to respect them, but how much is to much? When do you draw the line...when do you start taking care of yourself and your heart and not worry about the feelings of others? How do you protect yourself from the hurt, without hurting other people...like my father?

So it wasn't a great weekend, but it wasn't bad either. Strange, I guess. I hope that the interview goes well tomorrow. I just want out of the house. And I want out of here. I just want to go somewhere and start a new life. What a dream! Haha!

Ahhhh

I just want to screem today. I don't know why, just one of those moods.

I made dinner tonight, and it was good. I'm always hesitant to make things because I know that my parents won't eat it, but then they will bitch because I don't cook. So I did. It's the first motivated thing I've done in a while. And I was motivated to do it. My Dad ate, two helpings. Derick ate, and I ate. No one died. It was good. Mom comes home from work with a bag full of Panera Bread. I said, "I told you I was making dinner. When you called, Dad told you I was making dinner." She stared at me, yelled because it was my fault that she didn't know, and then went on to make excuses that she just had a craving for a sandwich. What the fuck? No one has a craving for a sandwich that they have to make!! Then she added, "Maybe I'll have the dinner for lunch tomorrow. If I feel like it." Wonderful. There goes a whole pot of sausage and peppers, into the refrigerator to sit for days because no one will eat it. I don't know why it bother's me so much, it's her money lost. But it does. It just does. I want my OWN house. I want my OWN kitchen back. I'm tired of using hers. I have different rules in my kitchen. My rules!

Then she gets on our case about wanting to go to Florida next weekend to get the car. Plane tickets went up, so maybe Derick will have to go by himself. Although I was really looking forward to going. I'm so afraid that it will be hard though. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Dylan. The last time I laid in my bed or sat on my couch Dylan was alive inside me, happy and content. Last time I saw those things, held those things, or wore those things I was the happiest I had been my whole life. And to top it off, Febuary 9th is the day last year that we found out we were expecting him. It's bittersweet I guess. Anyhow, Mom got on our case about going. What doesn't she get that once we get my car back here it will be easier on everyone? Or that we will feel so much better about ourselves instead of putting it off, once again. We've been putting it off since October. How much longer can we go? So she just went to bed mad at me. Who cares. I don't. I have much more important things in my life than worrying about what she thinks. I just wish she could keep her opinions to herself. They make me want to bash my head in. Really.

I'm hungry again. It's late, and I know I shouldn't...but I can't help myself. I only eat one meal a day these days, dinner. So I guess I should. The councilor was a bit taken aback when I told her that I eat only one meal. Maybe that's why she wants to meet with me alone. But yuck, at the same time eating makes me want to vomit. So maybe I won't. I went through this with Dylan...I took the hottest shower I could almost to the point of my skin burning so that I wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. It seems like this not eating thing is doing the same for me. It's keeping my emotional pain at bay by initiating physical pain. I have to get out of this. I know I'm smarter than this. I'm stronger than this. I just don't know how to help myself. Derick will freak out if he hears this. He hates when I'm this way because it scares him.

On a happier note, I've come to the realization that lots of people that I don't know read my blog. And I'm thrilled. My hopes are that maybe another mother will read this and cherish her babies hugs more. Or that another grieving parent will read this and realize they aren't alone. Or that one day, people can look back and see for sure how far I've come. If you are reading now, I love to read your comments. They make me smile and realize that I'm not alone, and that somewhere out there it might touch someone. Plus, there is nothing more that I love to talk about than Dylan and Riley. I feel generic refering to them as 'the boys' isn't that weird? So I'm going to keep refering to them by name as much as I can. They are very indivitual little boys. Both loved so very much!

Ok, so I'm off to get something to eat. I'm also going to work on Riley's cross-stitch birth announcement. It will help me release some stress from my mother! Ahhh! She gets to me!

I wonder

I looked out the window tonight and to my suprise there were big flakes falling. I ran and put my shoes on, got Lilo's ball, and headed on outside. It was our first snowfall since coming back home.

I stood out in the snow, looking up at the dark sky. I wondered what Dylan would do. Would he laugh and giggle? Would he smile or cry? How would he look in his tiny snowsuit? Would it be blue with dinosours? It was so peaceful. Not a noise to be heard except for the snow crunching under my feet. It was cold, but I wanted to stand out there forever watching the flakes fall on my coat, in my hair, on my face. I wanted to feel to air, to breathe it in deep, and to wonder. I wonder what snow looks like from heaven. I wonder if he was watching me think about him. I wonder if he protects his brother and keeps him safe and warm.

The snow fell in perfect, big snowlfakes. It was snow meant to be watched and snow that called to you to stick your tongue out and catch.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with them. Just for a moment. A friend from I Village says that her son asks if there is an elevator to heaven to see his brother. I wish there was. I'm just as confused about it as he is I think. But he's 3, and I'm a few more than 3!

I just wonder what things would be like if we had Dylan here or Riley was still in my belly. I can only imagine how great of a big brother Dylan is. And I can only dream of the happiness that my Mimi shares with them in heaven.

So this is love...

I often say that what I learned from Dylan was how to love. I had no idea what that meant, until the moment that those two little lines showed up. From that moment on, which happens to be coming up on it's year anniversary, I knew that I was in love with that mysterious little one growing inside me. The one who kept me up all hours of the night trying to get comfortable, the one that made me so sick that I couldn't go to work, the one that made my back ache horribly, the one that gave me that far off dreamy look...the one who made my heart melt when I thought of him...the one who made my life complete just for 17 short weeks...the one who brought his father and I closer. Can you imagine that a little person who only weighed 3.6oz could do such big things? It was he who paved the way for his brother into his parents hearts. It was he who helped us understand that we were ready and we would be able to love again.

From little Riley, I learned how to apply that love to help others. He showed me how big the world is and how scary it is at times. He showed me how to not let other's take advantage of me, to put my family first, and how to make a difference in this big world. He showed me how to have courage and be brave. Ironically that's what his name means. How could a little, tiny boy carry me so strongly on his shoulders like that?

So this, my friends, is love. Everything about me, comes from love...comes from my boys. They are a part of my deepest core. They are a part of my soul. They were created from love, died in love, and knew only love. But why, then, is it so hard to remember them with joy? How can I learn to live without them...adjust to life with these holes in my heart...? How can I move on?

Perhaps, I guess, only time will tell.

Poor Becky, Can't Even Carry a Baby

It's 5:25am and I'm wide awake thinking about irrelevent things and dreaming irrelevent thoughts. I got my period today and I'm angry with my body. I'm angry that it can move on so quickly when my heart is so broken. I wish, for once, it would stay broken for a little while. Just long enough for my heart to catch up a little. Today (or well yesterday I guess, the 26th) was Riley's first month angelversary. I looked at my watch at precisely 8:42pm and said a silent prayer. I remembered a month ago, laying in the hospital bed stunned with each contraction. How could this have happened to me again? I couldn't even imagine that life could be so cruel. I'm sad that my boobs are starting to get really saggy. I want them to be firm and full again, like they were when I was pregnant. It's a cruel irony, really. They start to prepare for motherhood, making milk to sustain your child. But when you loose your child, the milk still comes. I had forgotten the hours after Dylan was born. I was in such emotional distress that I didn't realize that my breasts had started to become engorged. Until Riley came along. And my breasts became engorged, they ached, they were hard and sensitive. It was to soon for milk to be realeased, so I dealt with it the only way I knew how. A sports bra. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if my milk had come in completely. It's cruel that my body went from being happy and pregnant to have my baby ripped from my soul in the course of a few hours.

Now I look back and I wonder if people thought, "Poor girl, she can't even carry a baby." I wonder if it's written across my forehead like bad tatoo. I wonder if our family thinks, "Oh poor Becky. She can't carry a baby." I wonder if that's who I'll be for the rest of my life. They'll say, "You know Becky. The one who can't carry a baby." When I asked Derick about it tonight, he seemed shocked that the thought would enter my mind. Of course it would. That's what I do. I drive myself crazy trying to rationalize things. I stay up most of the night trying to work it out in my head, but I can't. It's to much for one person to try to rationalize. Why? Why? Why? Why am I going through all this pain? I don't want my grief to define me, but I don't know how else to be.

I don't want a job, I want to be a mother!

I've spent my evening searching for a job. I don't even know what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it. I'm terribly scared, although I don't know why. I've never felt like this before. I've done lots of scary stuff in my life...moved to Florida and left Derick home without knowing a soul...came back home, found a good job and made my life...moved back to Florida, this time with Derick in tow again without knowing a sould and managed to find a great job, buy a house, a start our future. We got married, did it all ourselves...then we lost everything. We sold our home, moved back here to have our family...and we lost it all. Our friends, our jobs...our life. And I'm terrified of that happening again. I feel like everwhere I go people can see on my face that I'm the mother of dead babies. They know that my body kills them. They know that I can't do something that for thousands of years women have done. And that makes me inferior in some way. That makes me not as good as them. Because how am I going to work somewhere, if I can't even do something that my body is made to do?

I'm just so sad. Today is the day that we were supposed to go to Riley's big ultrasound. The one where they take all the measurements and they check for the sex. I cried myself to sleep last night and finally fell asleep around 6am. Poor Derick was so worried about me. When he got up for work, I was laying in bed sobbing. I'm just having such a hard time lately. Nothing seems to be helping much. I don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm stuck in a neverending circle of grief.

Kelsey called the other day and was so sweet. She asked me all about Riley...what he looked like, who he looked like, how much he weighed and how big he was, how the labor went...it was so nice coming from someone who has no children of her own or even close to that. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that he is my son.

I'm so sick of pregnant people. I don't even want to hear about it. I am just so sad. There isn't much time left until Dylan's first birthday comes around. I had anticipated being huge by then, happy and sad at the same time. But I won't be. Of course. I'm not lucky enough for that. Things like that don't happen to people like me. This time last year I was 2 weeks pregnant and oblivious to what my life would turn out to be. Now all I am is a grief-stricken woman with two dead children. Maybe that's all I'll ever be.

Did you read that last paragraph? I need to stop being so hard on myself and cut myself some slack. I also have to stop selling myself short. I'll work on that too. I have my first counseling session on Monday. It'll be something that we'll work on together. Hopefully.

But I still wonder if this is going to be all that I am. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get and I just have to thank God for allowing me to be pregnant twice.

Riley's Memorial Service

Tomorrow is the day that I have been anxiously await and dreading for 3 weeks. Wow, I can't believe it's been three weeks.

Derick and I went to the cemetary today after the man put Riley's ashes in with Dylan...illegally, I might add. But he was nice enough to do that since he was the groundskeeper at the cemetary. They actually told us that we had to buy another plot which I thought was rediculous. So we had planned on putting the ashes there ourselves, but the man at the cemetary and the funeral home were nice enough to get us together. He is surely a blessing from God. Anyway, we went over to arrange things a little bit. We put the temporary grave marker next to Dylan's, the angel statue that a friend gave us, and we removed some things. Then we stood there, admiring our work, and sobbing. We held each other and sobbed, much like we did the day of Dylan's funeral. I thought burrying one child was awful. But I was wrong. Burrying two is much worse.

I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. And knowing that the piece of my heart that they took with them won't be replaced until we meet again just makes it ache more. I wish that there was something I could do to bring them back, but there isn't. There never will. They will always be my special boys. The boys that no one else got to know except for their Mommy. It's like a secret between the three of us. Even Daddy's out of the loop!

I'm still just going through the motions of life. But my family, they just don't seem to understand. I wish that because our babies died people would cut us some slack. Like their lives should have ended on that day too. But they don't. And their life still goes on just like it did before. I'm just so heartbroken and most people can't understand. And they never will. Because it's our little secret..between the 4 of us...the grief that we feel and the heartache and the dispair. It's something that the 4 of us share that will never go away because it will travel with us for the rest of our lives. It will continue to cripple us with grief at times and make us laugh at other times. And it's something that we will carry on our own...all alone...

Rather sooner than later!!

I want to be pregnant now. I don't want to wait. I want to feel like moving inside me again. I long for that connection with another soul. I just want to be normal again.

But Derick says that we have to wait. I know that he's right. But I can't stop these feelings inside my body. The hormones and the instincs are going crazy, for the second time. I tell people that we are going to wait. But I honestly don't know if I can. I've started counting down like a crazy person. 11 more months to go. Seems like a lifetime. I keep telling myself that if I keep busy, time will fly. And if I can make it to Andrea's wedding, we are half way there. I'm looking forward to that. It's not everyday your best friend gets married : )

So if I can make it to June, we are half way there. Maybe I'll restart my countdown. 5 more months until we are halfway there!

My heart is just so broken. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of these feelings. Or maybe they won't ever go away. I knew before that 4 months was a long time while we waited to get pregnant with Riley. I just don't know how I'm going to make it a year. Maybe after we get things going with consults and insurance and stuff it will feel like I'm actually doing something. Maybe thats all I need.

Anger

This anger is consuming me. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm angry for every single thing you can imagine.

I'm angry that other's get to have lots of baby's, but I may only have one. I'm angry that it will take so long and so much grief to get that one, while other's take theirs for granted. I feel as though I would trade anything to have lost my boys to some freak accident if only to guarentee that it wouldn't happen again.

I had a postpartum visit with Dr. Kim today. He confirmed my worst fears. That he's isn't optomistic for another pregnancy. He strongly supported the abdominal cerclage. But it's so scary. I want someone to guarentee me that if we try again, our baby will be born crying. I just want some peace and comfort to come. I want to be able to move on and not let my losses become me. I want to become a part of my losses. I want my boys to be a part of my life, but I can't let them consume it. Dr. Kim also suggested a surrogate mother. It's great, I think. But we can't afford someone who we don't know. It would have to be a family member or friend, and that, unfortunately, isn't an option. I don't have anyone close to me that would be in any position to carry a baby. It's such a large commitment, and I don't know how I would deal with it. I just am so confused. After Dylan was born, I was so sad. Convinced that it couldn't happen again. How was I to know that now I would be in this position?

If I could go back, I'm not sure that I would have gotten pregnant with Riley knowing that my body would kill him too. I love him with all of my heart, and I always will. But it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that my body didn't even give him a chance.

I just don't know how to go on..see past this anger. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. No friends or family, other than Derick. No one calls or wants to listen. And even if they do call, I don't answer. I'm going back there again. And I'm scared. I don't know how to crawl back out.