I don't know where to begin

I've started this over and over again...not really sure where to start. So I will start at the begining.....

Christmas Day was wonderful. We spent the morning opening gifts, laughing, and dreaming of the baby and the year to come. We went to Derick's family's for Christmas dinner. We talked, laughed, and ate well. We came home to see Deal or No Deal, since it's Derick's favorite show.

That's when our lives crashed again.

My water broke. I was 16 weeks exactly. I was inconsolible. I was screaming and screaming while Derick ran upstairs to wake Mom and Dad and get dressed. He called the doctor, and we rushed to St. Lukes.

They did an ultrasound, and the baby was good. His heartbeat was 150, and he was strong. But there was virtually no fluid left. He suggested that we wait until the next day and speak to the Perinatologist because there was a chance that the fluid could increase itself. So I waited, on complete bedrest. It was the worst night of my life. I felt as though I was waiting for my baby to die. But he was so strong. He made it through the night, and when I saw the Peri he said the same thing. There was virtually no fluid left. The baby was going to die. We either could induce labor or wait, but if we waited longer there was a high chance that I would get an infection and possibly never be able to get pregnant again. But his heartbeat was still 175! How could our baby die with such a strong heartbeat?

We decided to induce labor. Derick said that it wasn't fair to me, and he told the doctor. They induced my labor at 5:25pm, and just as I told them it would only be 3 hours, Riley James was born at 8:42pm. He was alive until he couldn't breathe anymore...his mouth was open like he tried. He was such a fighter. Riley is Irish for "brave and couragous" and I've never met a little boy more brave. He weighed 3oz and was only 4 3/4 inches long. Just a little peanut, but he looked exactly like his Momma. Big feet and all!

Yesterday we picked up his ashes. Just a tiny litle urn. And he's going to be burried with his brother. I'm so shocked and numb and emotionless. I feel like I should be crying nonstop, but the tears won't come. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm lost. I loved them both so very much, I wanted them in my life so badly....

It's Christmastime

It's that time of year again. I'm dreading it. I can't even begin to imagine having a Happy Holiday knowing that my baby is celebrating his first Christmas so far away. I'm so down about things lately. And I should be happy, right? But I'm just not. I can't get into Christmas, I don't even want a Christmas tree. Derick and I decided that every year, with our family, we will pick out an ornament appropriate for his age. Like, next year...a Winnie the Pooh, his 2nd year an airplane, 10 years a football, 17 years a car...and so on. I think it would be great to make it a family tradition. We got him this year a pair of angel wings and a snowbaby on a star with his name.

And tomorrow is my Birthday. I had imagined spending my birthday with MY family. Derick and Dylan. A sweet baby hug and a drooley kiss...a card signed by Derick for Dylan...an "I *heart* Mommy" pendant...all these things were taken from me the day my baby left for heaven.

I saw a Psychic last week at a party hosted by Mom's friend from work. She said, "I see him in heaven, holding a spot for you. He know's how deeply he is loved...and that keeps him warm and happy." I just had a hard time believing her. Like that's just what you say when someone has lost their baby. I know he's there...I just have a NEED to know that he's ok. I worry about him daily. Does he miss us? Does he know how much we miss him? Does he know how much we love him? Is he having fun? Did he make friends? Is our family there to comfort him when he cries? I guess the mothers instinct never truly goes away.

We got a cute little sign that says, "Santa Please Stop Here!" for his grave. Hopefully we can go tomorrow and get a few other things and put them there for him tomorrow. I'm so afraid to leave things there, but I don't want him to feel un-loved. So it's like a catch-22. I don't want the pain of having someone steal them again, but I also don't want other parents to think that we don't care. Because we do! So much...it's just been a year of uncertainty I guess.

Thanksgiving

I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and passed. It's almost Christmas. A time when I should be celebrating with my baby. Yesterday was hard. I did my best to keep my mind off things, but it was hard that it seemed as though no one remembered Dylan. He should be 6 weeks old. Keeping me up at night, learning to smile, and watching the world pass by learning something new every day. But we have so much to be thankful for this year.

On Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Kim. We went over our usual appointment type things. Then he tried with the dopplar to find the hearbeat. But he couldn't find it. I had myself prepared for that. So he tried with the ultra sound. He could see the baby, but couldn't get in close enough. So then he used the vaginal ultra sound and sure enough...there was Sprout moving around and his chest moving with every beat of his/her heart. It was wonderful. We got a picture and I'm going to put it into our scrapbook for the new baby. I can't believe I'm going to be 12 weeks on Monday! It's going so quickly!

On December 13th we have a 14 week ultra sound at the Peri's office. That will be nice to see. I'm hoping (wishful thinking) that we will be able to tell the sex then. It would be such a great Christmas present! I pray more than anything that this baby will be healthy. But I know it will. I can feel it in my heart.

If it's a girl, we are going to name her Abigale. If it's a boy, Alexander after Pop. It would be such a great tribute and I could only hope that their personalities are similar.

That's about it for today. I will write more later!

6 months, really??

Dylan,

I can't believe that it's 6 months tonight that we learned you were no longer with us. 6 months tomorrow, since you were born. 6 months ago right now, I was blissfully unaware of what was in store for me. Then my world crashed the moment my water broke.

Yet here I am, pregnant again with your brother or sister, and the worry is eating me alive. I worry with every twinge of pain, everytime I get up to go to the bathroom, and evertime something just 'doesn't feel right.' My emotions are all over the place, but here I am wondering about you in heaven. I see other babies that are about 6 months old and I wonder what it is that you are doing in heaven. What am I missing while you are there and I am here? Are you teething? Have you eaten solid foods yet? Are you crawling...starting to think about walking? I can't believe I'm going to miss your first steps. But I know that lots of people are there watching over you, taking care of you, and holding onto you until Mommy and Daddy get there. I miss you so badly that sometimes I just want to walk away from the life that I have here. To take Daddy and Sprout and just walk away. I have all I need with the 3 of you. You are my life, my family. The 3 of you are what keep me getting up every morning. We haven't had it easy. Sometimes I wonder why God has to test us like this. We should have passed by now. But I know in my heart that things will be ok. We will have a home (soon I hope) where we can all live with you watching over us. But I can't help but think that maybe we should just pack and leave here and start our life over somewhere else. I don't know where. But somewhere else that is just ours. A special place just for the 4 of us. Somewhere spectacular with a bright sun, mild weather, and an ocean breeze. Somewhere that's magical and extraordinary. Imagine what our life could be like. Imagine it with me, Dylan.

Someday our dreams will come true. Until then, we just have to keep on swimming.

I love you so much baby, and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow in heaven. I will be thinking of you and smiling because I know that you are there chasing Felix, watching the grass grow, and eating Mimi's mashed potatoes!

Good bye for now my little Dyl Pickle, Daddy and I miss you so very much.

Love always,
Mommy

A crazy week

The week started off badly. Last Sunday I started to bleed. I called Dr. Kim and he told me to call Monday morning and make an appointment. So I did. Althought Derick and I freaked out. I was more attached to this baby than I had thought. And I immediately couldn't imagine my life without it. We went in on Monday and everything was fine. We saw the heartbeat, and Sprout is measuring perfectly! It was wonderful.

On Wednesday I started bleeding again. I didn't freak out as much this time because I knew that I had just heard the heartbeat. But on Thursday morning when I woke up and was still bleeding, I decided to call Dr. Kim again. He wanted to see me immediately. Sprout was still there, it's heart beating away strongly, and everything again looked fine. Dr. Kim thinks it was just the placenta attaching. But everything looks ok. He doesn't think we are out of the woods yet, though.

On Friday I quit my job. Yes, you read it right. They backed me into a corner. Either I had to go out on disability or they wouldn't tolerate missing any work or having doctors appointments. Oh, and by the way, they thought I was stupid. I'm not disabled. I'm pregnant. And I'm not about to go out and persue a 'fradulent' disability charge. There is no reason for me to be out on disability! So I had to quit. I had no choice. Now we are back at the begining again.

I'm trying so save as much money as I can, but it's hard. And it's going to get harder. I want more than anything to buy Sprout a new crib and a toy that I desperately want for it. It's the Playschool Peak and Play Dome and I just adore everything about it! It's all I want to buy for him or her, and now I'm terrified that we won't get that far AND that we won't have enough money to do it! I don't want Sprout to have hand me down's...it's bad enough that I thought it was ok for Dylan. I want everything perfect for our miracle baby. A little neurotic? YES!

At the grocery store today an older lady mistook my coat for a baby in the cart. I laughed it off, but walked away in tears. I wanted to say, "It should be a baby but God had other plans." or "God willing it will be a baby, but not until June." It was horrible. I made a personal vow never to take my coat off at the grocery store again!

That's about it for now...my crappy week. I'll try to write more now that I have the time!

Sprout is on it's way!

Good news!

We found out last week, October 4th, just 5 days before our 1st anniversary that Little Sprout is on it's way.

We are pretty excited, although everyone else seems to think that we may have made a mistake. Not in having Sprout, but because we aren't where we need to be financially. But we know it will all work out. It always does. There are lots of people much worse off than we are.

So, come June 11th, 2007...God Willing...we will have a little Sprout to look after. Keep us in your prayers. We will certainly need it.

I guess from here, we just save everything that we can so that we can move out SOONer than later. I can't be here any longer than I have to be. And even if we don't have our furniture, it will still be ours.

I will certainly write more later!

Our first appointment with Dr. Kim is on the 25th! Yay!

What is going on?

Ugh...strange...

I don't know what is going on with my body. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know whether I should be excited, freaked out, scared, or all of the above.

My period was due today, and it hasn't come.

Granted, it may be just a little late. I may just be getting back on schedule. And I don't feel like I'm pregnant. I had a bit of nausea a few days ago, but that passed. But it hit me hard at work...it happened while I was walking to the car. I've had to go to the bathroom a lot. But I'm not sure if thats due to drinking more water or not. And I've been much more tired than usual, but I don't know if thats due to getting up early for work or not. So many things, so many variables. So I don't know what to think.

I do know one thing, I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just going to be even more dissapointed if it doesn't turn out the way I hope. With Dylan, I had textbook symptoms. This time I don't. Could that be due to being pregnant again so soon? Maybe. Could it be because I'm not pregnant? Probably. I'm trying not to get Derick's hopes up as well. He didn't want to try this month, but I guilted him into it I think. I didn't mean to, and he says he is ready. But I can't help but think that he was ready because I was ready.

We were talking about Christmas presents the other day, and I rattled off a long list of the things that I wanted and I hoped I could get this year. When I got done, I asked him and he said, "All I want for Christmas this year is a baby." It made my heart melt.

At the point in my life that I'm in, a baby would help tremendously. It would focus my attention on something else instead of the upcoming days. I'm having a really hard time the closer that I get. I completely lost it today at work. Sometimes I'm fine and I can talk to people all the time about Dylan, but sometimes the mention of another person's baby just puts me over the edge. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. But I'm getting there. I'm making progress...however things turn out for us.

Humanity

I'm just disgusted. I can't stop thinking about the things that were stolen from Dylan's grave. I'm starting to loose sleep over it. Not because I expect it back, or because of the money spent, but because of the meaning of the things that were there.

I can't give my son a gift and watch him smile as he opens it. I can't see the glee or hear the giggle when he touches the wrapping paper. I can't even hear him complain and throw the clothes aside! I would die just to see him smile or hear him coo. So, the gifts that I can give him were taken away. They were stolen. Would someone steal a gift to a living child? No. So why would they steal one from a child's grave? What is wrong with humanity today that someone would need those things so badly that they couldn't find the money to buy them. Why would someone need a $.59 American flag, a $1.49 Love stake, and a $19.99 planter. I would have gladly given one to anyone who would have asked...but to take...from a child? Those belonged to him. They were my babies, put there with love and affection.

I guess I'm just having a hard time. I feel like everything was taken from us. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. History has taught me not to trust things, not to believe in things, or even have hope. And it's sad. I used to be so positive, what happened? I can't even get excited for things, because I just expect them to blow up in my face. I'm so emotional lately, and just sad in general. It's getting so close to October, and sometimes I'm afraid that I just won't make it. I think that sooner or later I'm just going to give up the fight. I'm tired. Tired of trying to find the best of situations, tired of fighting for what's mine, tired of finding the good in people...and tired of letting myself get run over because in turn, I passed that onto my son...even in death. The poor little one can't even sleep peaceful without someone taking advantage of him. What have I done? Why can't I just quit trying to make everyone happy, and worry about what is best for my family?

I'm so sad. October is coming so fast and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Happy 4 month Birthday!

My Sweet Baby,

I can't believe it's been 4 months without you! It seems to have gone so fast, and so slow at the same time. I miss you so much, and everyday I love you more and more. I would do anything to have you here with me...anything. But God needed you more. And I accept that. It's just that I needed you too. Thank you for watching over Daddy and I, Uncle Chris in Iraq, and the rest of our family and friends. I know it's a big job, but you are doing it so well.

I got a job today! It's the one that I was hoping for. I'm so excited. I'm glad that we can get our lives back in order. Starting with getting our car back here! Then, eventually, we will find our own home and a special place for you in it where we can hang your pictures and your sweet little footprints wherever my heart desires. It's going to be wonderful Dylan. You will see. It's going to be perfect, our little family. I can feel it in my heart. We are going to be ok, the three of us. And when God blesses us with another miracle, we will be just as happy. Our lives can only improve from here.

Even though we miss you, day after day after day, we know that you are happy and healthy. And that's all that matters to us. You are where you need to be. Someday I will be able to hold you for eternity and I am lucky that you will never get to big to hold so I can hold you forever. You will always be my baby boy!

I love you so much sweetie! Be good to the other kids!
Love you always,
Mommy

Our new life

Hi Sweetie Pie!

How was your day today? I bet the weather up there in Heaven is perfect, because it was pretty close to perfect here! Lilo and I went for a long walk and I know that she would have loved if you could be there with us. I taught her to sit at each corner before we crossed the street. Other dogs were jealous of us!

I've had a good day today. I woke up kind of sad and feeling sorry for myself. It was hard to get out of bed today, and even harder to not go back to bed. I had an interview yesterday for a job that I really wanted and I hadn't heard anything back. But she called, around 3 when I was out with Grandma. And I got the job! I'm so excited! This means that we will be able to start our new life. We will be able to get our own house, get our car back, and maybe get you a little brother or sister! Daddy won't feel as much stress now that I have a job and he can consentrate on his classes so he can do what he loves. And Lilo, well she will just have to adjust to me not being home all day! I think she can manage, but keep her company. When you are there, it keeps her busy for hours!

Our new life is going to be perfect. I promise. You will always be a part of it. Your brother's and sister's will always know you, and they will know that you are always with them. We have the most special family. God only picks certain people to give birth to an Angel. And God knows that we can do it because we love you so much. We love you so much that we will sacrafice our baby to be an Angel in Heaven. God always needs more angels!

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born
that something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
it doesn't mean I am gone.
The world was worthy, Not of me
God Chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face.
You'll have my word I'll fill your arms,
someday we will embrace.
You'll hear "It wasn't meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes."
But that won't soften your worst blow,
or make your heart not ache.
I am watching over all you do,
another child you will bear.
Believe me when I say to you
that I am always there!
There will come a time I promise you,
when you will hold my hand.
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
and then you'll understand.
Although I never breathed your air
or gazed into your eyes,
That does not mean I never was
An angel never dies!

So Dyls, things are starting to look up. I think.

I'm thinking of starting an organization called Hearts Full of Hope that makes hearts, stuffed with fuzz, and embroidered with the word Hope for women who have lost their babies, had a miscarriage, or struggle with health and infertility. I would donate some to the hospital where you were born, and send them to women who need a little hope. I have recieved so much from so many women, that it's imperative that I give some back. They will also have felt hearts inside...red for love, yellow for happyness, green for success, purple for fertility, blue for health, and white for their angel. I think people would like them. But I might need some help getting them out. I have to work on that...maybe Aunt Sondra would be willing to help. It will all be in memory of you. Everything I do is for you, and this will be my way of sharing your love and your life. Daddy could make us a website where people can order them for a small donation and all of the money recieved will go to the March of Dimes or another organization to help babies to small like you. I could also sell them for a donation at different places. Sort of like the Girl Scouts in Walmart! They will have a ribbon hook so that people could use them as an ornament, a decoration, or hang them in the bedroom of their very own miracle baby to always remind them to have hope. It's easy to loose, and very hard to get back.

It's been a long road getting here. But I'm glad to finally be here!

I love you so very much sweetie pie! I miss you every day. I don't think we will be able to get to see you this weekend because there is a bad storm coming by. But we will for your 4 month birthday next week.

Love always,

Mommy

So we talked...

I went to the doctor a few days ago and he wants me to have a HSG done. It's a procedure in which they insert dye into the uterus and take x-rays to make sure that everything is shaped correctly. I'm nervous about it. But I don't know why. I certainly don't have any reason to be. He also said that there is an increase in fertility in the 3 months following the procedure.

That's where the decision comes in. When do we get this done? September? October? November? I don't want to wait that long. Derick said that he doesn't want to try again until November. But me, I wanted to be pregnant 2 hours ago. So we talked, and worked it out. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and set it up for September. We will avoid in September, and start trying in October. I still wanted to be pregnant again before Dylan's due date, but this will do. It's a compromise both of us are content with. It's only another month away, really. And September will go fast.

Now I just have to find a job. I'm looking but it seems so hard. I used to find jobs so quickly. I guess I just don't have my heart in it. I know I have to work, but it's becoming a chore to find something that I'm happy with. Hopefully something will turn up though.

Hello in Heaven!

My sweet beautiful baby,

How was your day today? I hope it was good. Mommy had an ok day today. Yesterday I had a hard day, and it sort of made for a harder day today. I went to Targe, to look for a nice picture frame for your picture. Daddy say's that the one that I have is just fine, but I want a special one just for you! I had a hard time. I was sad that I wasn't buying your stroller or your crib or even a bib for you to drool on! God, how I wish you were drooling! I can just imagine what it would be like. Then, I went to pick up Daddy from work. He showed everyone your scrapbook and they fell in love with you all over again! They saw just how special you are. Grandma Missy was so proud that everyone was reading about you. She misses you so much, sweetie. Grandma Sutton does to. She thinks about you everyday. We all do. But I know that you are having fun. You're probably running in circles around your great-grandmother, right? Don't listen to what Aunt Angela and Uncle Jim have to say! They teased Mommy too! And I don't want you to be sad when I'm sad, like I say, I'm sad because I love you so much.

It was a beautiful, bright sunny day today! Daddy's birthday is on Saturday. I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I'm going to make it a special day for him, because he's a special Daddy! He's so proud of you, Dyl. We both are. We could have never asked for a better angel to take care of our little family.

We are coming to visit tomorrow, to bring you some new flowers. Did the bunnies eat the flowers that we had there? I think they did! You tell those bunnies that your Mommy and Daddy brought them for you and to go eat somebody else's! Unless they are hungry, then you can share!

Well sweetie, I love you so very much. I hope you have had a wonderful day today.
Love always and forever,
Mommy

P.S. here is a poem, because I love you

My Little White Rose.

The one thing a mother should be able to do,
Is to protect her child, like I tried to protect you.
You were born too soon to survive on Earth,
But I’ll never forget the day of your birth.

Such anger I felt, as never before,
Yet happiness too, at the beauty I saw.
Tears of sadness, tears of pain,
Emotions that I never want to feel again.

You’ve shown me a love that I never knew
Could exist in my life, so pure and so true.
It’s unconditional; it’s special and right,
And gives me the strength to carry on with the fight.

I would give anything to have you here,
But you still ease my pain and you still ease my fear.
You shouldn’t have to leave before your mother goes,
Like you had to leave, my little White Rose.

Not ready?

Derick broke my heart today. He told me he thinks we should wait to try for another baby in a few months. I'm devastated. I thought we were on the same page with things. But I guess we aren't.

If I pressure him into having another baby, will he resent me? Or worse, the baby? It's so hard knowing that there are millions of reasons why we shouldn't have another baby. My head and my heart are at odds, once again. I suppose it's the new me. The new and improved, confused, sad, envious, and hopefull Becky. Wonderful. Sounds like a person you want to be with, right?

The problem is that a new baby is all I have to keep me going. When my day gets rough, or I feel like life in general is getting harder, another baby is what keeps me on track. It's the only dream I have, and I feel like Derick took that away from me. Not permanently, but for the moment anyway. It's hard to imagine that someday we will be parents again. That we will hold our sweet baby and look into it's eyes. That we will see it smile and laugh and coo and do everything that babies do. But it will be ours. They will be our memories and our moments frozen in time until their wedding day when we take all these precious memories out from our vaults and impose them onto our 'future' family. Embarassing, of course, but something to look forward to (for us anyway!).

I know that in my head what Derick is saying makes sense. But I can't ignore that feeling in my heart. I want to take baby home to MY house as well. I want have money saved, too. But what about my heart...?

I'm afraid, really. I am. I'm terribly afraid of things blowing up in my face again. Making mistakes is something that I've become famous for. And impulsive thinking is what has gotten me in those situations. How do I know if I'm not making a mistake? How do I know that things are going the way they are supposed to go? How do I get over these fears?

But...what about my heart...?

It's been a tough year

Well it's been a tough year for us all. We learned many lessons on life, love, and what it means to be a family.

I struggle with missing baby Dylan every moment of every day. I struggle through seeing happy families with beautiful babies that are made everyday. I struggle through seeing pregnant woman glow completely engrossed in the lives they have waiting for them. Will that ever be us? Will we ever be truly, completely, utterly happy? Will we ever have complete bliss? I struggle with the fact that every single second a baby is born to a woman who doesn't have the means to take care of it. They say life isn't fair, but that doesn't remedy the pain.

I should have started this sooner, and journaled my thoughts about my son. He was born on May 8th, born sleeping. At nearly 5 months gestation, or 17 weeks. He is beautiful. He looked just like his Daddy. He weighed 3.6 oz and was 7 inches long. But here we are now, about to embark on trying to become parents for the second time, but hopefully we will end the journey with happy and healthy baby that loves to cry!

Over the course of the 3 months since Dylan was born, I have had many dreams and fantasy's about him. What would his smile look like? Would he be tall like his dad? Would he love his mother? Would he dance with me at his wedding? Would he be a good husband, like his father? Would he be a crazy teenager or would he be level headed like his mother? Would I be his world, like he is mine? I dreamt that he was happy. Laying in a bassinette all in white. He had Derick's eyes and face structure, my nose, and my brother's sweet smile. The smile that shows mischief at times, and at other times pure affection and love for the people in his life. Most of the time, it was the latter! Dylan had Derick's body type...broad shoulders and long legs. And we will all be happy to know, he did NOT have my feet! I believe that was God's waying of letting me know that he is ok. He is waiting for us to get there to hold him tight, but he is just fine. Laughing and smiling and doing all the things that I will miss.

You know, some people, they worry about their kids getting into trouble or they worry that they will miss out on things in their child's life. The big things. But parents like us, we will never see those things. And yet we worry just the same. Are they getting into trouble in heaven? Are they being nice to the other kids? Will they be waiting for me when I get there? Are they scared? Sounds crazy, and it might be. Yet it's a constant worry that I'm not sure will ever go away.

But we keep on living. And we move on. The world keeps going, and this is just a blip on the screen of our lives. It's an important one, a life changing one. But a blip no less. It more or less transforms the rest of our lives into the way it should have been in the first place. And in the face of immense pain, we re-emerge a better, more caring, more appreciative, stronger loving, closer family because of it.