I wonder

I looked out the window tonight and to my suprise there were big flakes falling. I ran and put my shoes on, got Lilo's ball, and headed on outside. It was our first snowfall since coming back home.

I stood out in the snow, looking up at the dark sky. I wondered what Dylan would do. Would he laugh and giggle? Would he smile or cry? How would he look in his tiny snowsuit? Would it be blue with dinosours? It was so peaceful. Not a noise to be heard except for the snow crunching under my feet. It was cold, but I wanted to stand out there forever watching the flakes fall on my coat, in my hair, on my face. I wanted to feel to air, to breathe it in deep, and to wonder. I wonder what snow looks like from heaven. I wonder if he was watching me think about him. I wonder if he protects his brother and keeps him safe and warm.

The snow fell in perfect, big snowlfakes. It was snow meant to be watched and snow that called to you to stick your tongue out and catch.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with them. Just for a moment. A friend from I Village says that her son asks if there is an elevator to heaven to see his brother. I wish there was. I'm just as confused about it as he is I think. But he's 3, and I'm a few more than 3!

I just wonder what things would be like if we had Dylan here or Riley was still in my belly. I can only imagine how great of a big brother Dylan is. And I can only dream of the happiness that my Mimi shares with them in heaven.

So this is love...

I often say that what I learned from Dylan was how to love. I had no idea what that meant, until the moment that those two little lines showed up. From that moment on, which happens to be coming up on it's year anniversary, I knew that I was in love with that mysterious little one growing inside me. The one who kept me up all hours of the night trying to get comfortable, the one that made me so sick that I couldn't go to work, the one that made my back ache horribly, the one that gave me that far off dreamy look...the one who made my heart melt when I thought of him...the one who made my life complete just for 17 short weeks...the one who brought his father and I closer. Can you imagine that a little person who only weighed 3.6oz could do such big things? It was he who paved the way for his brother into his parents hearts. It was he who helped us understand that we were ready and we would be able to love again.

From little Riley, I learned how to apply that love to help others. He showed me how big the world is and how scary it is at times. He showed me how to not let other's take advantage of me, to put my family first, and how to make a difference in this big world. He showed me how to have courage and be brave. Ironically that's what his name means. How could a little, tiny boy carry me so strongly on his shoulders like that?

So this, my friends, is love. Everything about me, comes from love...comes from my boys. They are a part of my deepest core. They are a part of my soul. They were created from love, died in love, and knew only love. But why, then, is it so hard to remember them with joy? How can I learn to live without them...adjust to life with these holes in my heart...? How can I move on?

Perhaps, I guess, only time will tell.

Poor Becky, Can't Even Carry a Baby

It's 5:25am and I'm wide awake thinking about irrelevent things and dreaming irrelevent thoughts. I got my period today and I'm angry with my body. I'm angry that it can move on so quickly when my heart is so broken. I wish, for once, it would stay broken for a little while. Just long enough for my heart to catch up a little. Today (or well yesterday I guess, the 26th) was Riley's first month angelversary. I looked at my watch at precisely 8:42pm and said a silent prayer. I remembered a month ago, laying in the hospital bed stunned with each contraction. How could this have happened to me again? I couldn't even imagine that life could be so cruel. I'm sad that my boobs are starting to get really saggy. I want them to be firm and full again, like they were when I was pregnant. It's a cruel irony, really. They start to prepare for motherhood, making milk to sustain your child. But when you loose your child, the milk still comes. I had forgotten the hours after Dylan was born. I was in such emotional distress that I didn't realize that my breasts had started to become engorged. Until Riley came along. And my breasts became engorged, they ached, they were hard and sensitive. It was to soon for milk to be realeased, so I dealt with it the only way I knew how. A sports bra. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if my milk had come in completely. It's cruel that my body went from being happy and pregnant to have my baby ripped from my soul in the course of a few hours.

Now I look back and I wonder if people thought, "Poor girl, she can't even carry a baby." I wonder if it's written across my forehead like bad tatoo. I wonder if our family thinks, "Oh poor Becky. She can't carry a baby." I wonder if that's who I'll be for the rest of my life. They'll say, "You know Becky. The one who can't carry a baby." When I asked Derick about it tonight, he seemed shocked that the thought would enter my mind. Of course it would. That's what I do. I drive myself crazy trying to rationalize things. I stay up most of the night trying to work it out in my head, but I can't. It's to much for one person to try to rationalize. Why? Why? Why? Why am I going through all this pain? I don't want my grief to define me, but I don't know how else to be.

I don't want a job, I want to be a mother!

I've spent my evening searching for a job. I don't even know what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it. I'm terribly scared, although I don't know why. I've never felt like this before. I've done lots of scary stuff in my life...moved to Florida and left Derick home without knowing a soul...came back home, found a good job and made my life...moved back to Florida, this time with Derick in tow again without knowing a sould and managed to find a great job, buy a house, a start our future. We got married, did it all ourselves...then we lost everything. We sold our home, moved back here to have our family...and we lost it all. Our friends, our jobs...our life. And I'm terrified of that happening again. I feel like everwhere I go people can see on my face that I'm the mother of dead babies. They know that my body kills them. They know that I can't do something that for thousands of years women have done. And that makes me inferior in some way. That makes me not as good as them. Because how am I going to work somewhere, if I can't even do something that my body is made to do?

I'm just so sad. Today is the day that we were supposed to go to Riley's big ultrasound. The one where they take all the measurements and they check for the sex. I cried myself to sleep last night and finally fell asleep around 6am. Poor Derick was so worried about me. When he got up for work, I was laying in bed sobbing. I'm just having such a hard time lately. Nothing seems to be helping much. I don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm stuck in a neverending circle of grief.

Kelsey called the other day and was so sweet. She asked me all about Riley...what he looked like, who he looked like, how much he weighed and how big he was, how the labor went...it was so nice coming from someone who has no children of her own or even close to that. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that he is my son.

I'm so sick of pregnant people. I don't even want to hear about it. I am just so sad. There isn't much time left until Dylan's first birthday comes around. I had anticipated being huge by then, happy and sad at the same time. But I won't be. Of course. I'm not lucky enough for that. Things like that don't happen to people like me. This time last year I was 2 weeks pregnant and oblivious to what my life would turn out to be. Now all I am is a grief-stricken woman with two dead children. Maybe that's all I'll ever be.

Did you read that last paragraph? I need to stop being so hard on myself and cut myself some slack. I also have to stop selling myself short. I'll work on that too. I have my first counseling session on Monday. It'll be something that we'll work on together. Hopefully.

But I still wonder if this is going to be all that I am. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get and I just have to thank God for allowing me to be pregnant twice.

Riley's Memorial Service

Tomorrow is the day that I have been anxiously await and dreading for 3 weeks. Wow, I can't believe it's been three weeks.

Derick and I went to the cemetary today after the man put Riley's ashes in with Dylan...illegally, I might add. But he was nice enough to do that since he was the groundskeeper at the cemetary. They actually told us that we had to buy another plot which I thought was rediculous. So we had planned on putting the ashes there ourselves, but the man at the cemetary and the funeral home were nice enough to get us together. He is surely a blessing from God. Anyway, we went over to arrange things a little bit. We put the temporary grave marker next to Dylan's, the angel statue that a friend gave us, and we removed some things. Then we stood there, admiring our work, and sobbing. We held each other and sobbed, much like we did the day of Dylan's funeral. I thought burrying one child was awful. But I was wrong. Burrying two is much worse.

I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. And knowing that the piece of my heart that they took with them won't be replaced until we meet again just makes it ache more. I wish that there was something I could do to bring them back, but there isn't. There never will. They will always be my special boys. The boys that no one else got to know except for their Mommy. It's like a secret between the three of us. Even Daddy's out of the loop!

I'm still just going through the motions of life. But my family, they just don't seem to understand. I wish that because our babies died people would cut us some slack. Like their lives should have ended on that day too. But they don't. And their life still goes on just like it did before. I'm just so heartbroken and most people can't understand. And they never will. Because it's our little secret..between the 4 of us...the grief that we feel and the heartache and the dispair. It's something that the 4 of us share that will never go away because it will travel with us for the rest of our lives. It will continue to cripple us with grief at times and make us laugh at other times. And it's something that we will carry on our own...all alone...

Rather sooner than later!!

I want to be pregnant now. I don't want to wait. I want to feel like moving inside me again. I long for that connection with another soul. I just want to be normal again.

But Derick says that we have to wait. I know that he's right. But I can't stop these feelings inside my body. The hormones and the instincs are going crazy, for the second time. I tell people that we are going to wait. But I honestly don't know if I can. I've started counting down like a crazy person. 11 more months to go. Seems like a lifetime. I keep telling myself that if I keep busy, time will fly. And if I can make it to Andrea's wedding, we are half way there. I'm looking forward to that. It's not everyday your best friend gets married : )

So if I can make it to June, we are half way there. Maybe I'll restart my countdown. 5 more months until we are halfway there!

My heart is just so broken. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of these feelings. Or maybe they won't ever go away. I knew before that 4 months was a long time while we waited to get pregnant with Riley. I just don't know how I'm going to make it a year. Maybe after we get things going with consults and insurance and stuff it will feel like I'm actually doing something. Maybe thats all I need.

Anger

This anger is consuming me. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm angry for every single thing you can imagine.

I'm angry that other's get to have lots of baby's, but I may only have one. I'm angry that it will take so long and so much grief to get that one, while other's take theirs for granted. I feel as though I would trade anything to have lost my boys to some freak accident if only to guarentee that it wouldn't happen again.

I had a postpartum visit with Dr. Kim today. He confirmed my worst fears. That he's isn't optomistic for another pregnancy. He strongly supported the abdominal cerclage. But it's so scary. I want someone to guarentee me that if we try again, our baby will be born crying. I just want some peace and comfort to come. I want to be able to move on and not let my losses become me. I want to become a part of my losses. I want my boys to be a part of my life, but I can't let them consume it. Dr. Kim also suggested a surrogate mother. It's great, I think. But we can't afford someone who we don't know. It would have to be a family member or friend, and that, unfortunately, isn't an option. I don't have anyone close to me that would be in any position to carry a baby. It's such a large commitment, and I don't know how I would deal with it. I just am so confused. After Dylan was born, I was so sad. Convinced that it couldn't happen again. How was I to know that now I would be in this position?

If I could go back, I'm not sure that I would have gotten pregnant with Riley knowing that my body would kill him too. I love him with all of my heart, and I always will. But it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that my body didn't even give him a chance.

I just don't know how to go on..see past this anger. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. No friends or family, other than Derick. No one calls or wants to listen. And even if they do call, I don't answer. I'm going back there again. And I'm scared. I don't know how to crawl back out.

Two weeks?

My dear Riley,

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've felt you move, seen your face, and touched your tiny fingers. I miss you more than words can say. My love for you will never waiver. I will never, not even for an instant, forget what you added to my life.

But I have to live without you. With my heart in such pain. I have to move on, day after day after day, knowing that you are happier with your brother. I couldn't imagine going through this pain again, but it helps me to know that you are playing so happily and loving every minute spent with your Mimi. I know that she will take such great care of you. I can only imagine how she is spoiling you!!! I'm almost jealous!

I know that it hurts you both to see Daddy and I so sad. We are trying. We really are.

On a happier note, Aunt Andrea gave me more details of her wedding. It's to be June 30th, and she needs all the help that she can get! I'm happy because it gives me so much to do. Especially at a time that I would be just counting down the days until you were supposed to be here. So it's something for me to do. And maybe, just maybe, you will have a cousin and a brother or a sister born next year. How lucky will you both be?

Well I must get going, but tell Dylan that I said hello and that Mommy loves him too. I tell ya, I must be the luckiest Mommy in the world because my boys will alway be my babies.

I love you so much Riley!!
Love always,
Mommy

My Dear Boys, I'm so sad

I wish you were here Dylan, cradled in my arms. And you Riley, I wish more than anything that you were still in my tummy squirming around like you did. I spent hours laying in bed so still just to feel you move. It was the most incredible feeling. It was hope and life and happyness at a time when all I felt was sad.

But I don't have that happyness anymore. I'm so scared. I want more than anything to have a healthy baby...a brother or a sister for the both of you. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to carry another child. I can't even admit it to Daddy because then he would think I was hopeless. I'm so scared of loosing another baby. So, so scared. My biggest fear is feeling this sadness again someday. How can I possibly move on from this? How can I live without my two special boys?

Oh God, I would die if it meant that my boys could be here. I would do anything to have one more chance to feel Riley move or to hold them both close to my heart. Oh God, how am I going to live without them? Oh God, please help me get through this. I don't know what to do or how to do it. There isn't anything in the books that tells you how to cope living without 2 babies.

I had such a hard time getting up today. I'm trying to be happy for you both. I don't want you to ever be scared because I'm so sad. But I just can't help it. I'm so sad because I love you both so much. I needed you in my life so much. I was so sure that this couldn't happen again. I was so sure that Dylan was to be our Guardian angel...not the both of you. Please, please come back to me!

Happy New Year

I'm a little late...but oh well...so goes life

I spent my New Year's crying. I felt as though I had left my boys back in 2006. Like I was abandoning them. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted the world to stop on May 8th, the day God took my Dylan. And when it didn't, I fully expected it to stop on December 26th, the day God took my Riley. Why does it seem that when you want things to go quick, life becomes almost at a standstill. And when you don't want to move on, things fly by. I want to stay there, I want to be with them. But I can't, and I haven't accepted that yet. I wish that I had a time machine to go back and hold them one last time. See there sweet faces, and kiss their sweet lips.

It's been 8 days since Riley went to Heaven. If it weren't for the Zoloft, I don't know what would have happened to me. Or what will happen to me for that matter. I really should write them a letter! My cousin, Marcie, on my Dad's side just lost her little boy at 16 weeks 6 days. The same exact point that we lost Dylan for the same exact reason. She is understandable distraught. I wish that the pain could have ended with us. I wish that no one else would have to feel what we feel, think what we think, and live our lives without our babies. God I wish that. I'm so angry. I wake up in the middle of the night furious with life and God and the doctors and myself. Everyday I think, "My body killed my babies." And I can't get past that. Someone asked me today if I really believed it. And I do. I really, truly do. There isn't a part of me that thinks, "Oh that's crazy." Because after Dylan, there was a part of me that thought that. But not anymore. There is no doubt that my body killed my babies. Absolutely no doubt.

Derick said that life moved on as if I wasn't ever pregnant. It's like it was a dream. A small, but very signifigant dream to keep me from the reality of my life. I was so happy pregnant with both of my boys. I can't wait to try again, although this time around I'm not as obsessed. I understand the risks both physically and emotionally. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I would loose another baby. It's not fair to our next child and it's not fair to those who love us.

I told Derick last night that God has a miracle waiting for us. And if God blesses us with a she, he, or a them...it will be a miracle. God blesses us with children in different ways though. I've accepted that we may only be able to adopt a child. And that's fine. But I can't give up this one last hope to have a baby of our own. I want nothing more in my life than to carry Derick's baby and hold him or her proudly for the rest of their life. But it's ok to save another baby and still hold them proudly. God gives miracles, but it's just not on our time schedule.

Well that's it for this year. It's the plan to take lots of time and relax and enjoy this year. Last year was so dificult that it will take a while to heal. I need to have hope, because otherwise I have nothing. This surgery gives me hope, and I need to hold onto that for a while.

I don't know where to begin

I've started this over and over again...not really sure where to start. So I will start at the begining.....

Christmas Day was wonderful. We spent the morning opening gifts, laughing, and dreaming of the baby and the year to come. We went to Derick's family's for Christmas dinner. We talked, laughed, and ate well. We came home to see Deal or No Deal, since it's Derick's favorite show.

That's when our lives crashed again.

My water broke. I was 16 weeks exactly. I was inconsolible. I was screaming and screaming while Derick ran upstairs to wake Mom and Dad and get dressed. He called the doctor, and we rushed to St. Lukes.

They did an ultrasound, and the baby was good. His heartbeat was 150, and he was strong. But there was virtually no fluid left. He suggested that we wait until the next day and speak to the Perinatologist because there was a chance that the fluid could increase itself. So I waited, on complete bedrest. It was the worst night of my life. I felt as though I was waiting for my baby to die. But he was so strong. He made it through the night, and when I saw the Peri he said the same thing. There was virtually no fluid left. The baby was going to die. We either could induce labor or wait, but if we waited longer there was a high chance that I would get an infection and possibly never be able to get pregnant again. But his heartbeat was still 175! How could our baby die with such a strong heartbeat?

We decided to induce labor. Derick said that it wasn't fair to me, and he told the doctor. They induced my labor at 5:25pm, and just as I told them it would only be 3 hours, Riley James was born at 8:42pm. He was alive until he couldn't breathe anymore...his mouth was open like he tried. He was such a fighter. Riley is Irish for "brave and couragous" and I've never met a little boy more brave. He weighed 3oz and was only 4 3/4 inches long. Just a little peanut, but he looked exactly like his Momma. Big feet and all!

Yesterday we picked up his ashes. Just a tiny litle urn. And he's going to be burried with his brother. I'm so shocked and numb and emotionless. I feel like I should be crying nonstop, but the tears won't come. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm lost. I loved them both so very much, I wanted them in my life so badly....

It's Christmastime

It's that time of year again. I'm dreading it. I can't even begin to imagine having a Happy Holiday knowing that my baby is celebrating his first Christmas so far away. I'm so down about things lately. And I should be happy, right? But I'm just not. I can't get into Christmas, I don't even want a Christmas tree. Derick and I decided that every year, with our family, we will pick out an ornament appropriate for his age. Like, next year...a Winnie the Pooh, his 2nd year an airplane, 10 years a football, 17 years a car...and so on. I think it would be great to make it a family tradition. We got him this year a pair of angel wings and a snowbaby on a star with his name.

And tomorrow is my Birthday. I had imagined spending my birthday with MY family. Derick and Dylan. A sweet baby hug and a drooley kiss...a card signed by Derick for Dylan...an "I *heart* Mommy" pendant...all these things were taken from me the day my baby left for heaven.

I saw a Psychic last week at a party hosted by Mom's friend from work. She said, "I see him in heaven, holding a spot for you. He know's how deeply he is loved...and that keeps him warm and happy." I just had a hard time believing her. Like that's just what you say when someone has lost their baby. I know he's there...I just have a NEED to know that he's ok. I worry about him daily. Does he miss us? Does he know how much we miss him? Does he know how much we love him? Is he having fun? Did he make friends? Is our family there to comfort him when he cries? I guess the mothers instinct never truly goes away.

We got a cute little sign that says, "Santa Please Stop Here!" for his grave. Hopefully we can go tomorrow and get a few other things and put them there for him tomorrow. I'm so afraid to leave things there, but I don't want him to feel un-loved. So it's like a catch-22. I don't want the pain of having someone steal them again, but I also don't want other parents to think that we don't care. Because we do! So much...it's just been a year of uncertainty I guess.

Thanksgiving

I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and passed. It's almost Christmas. A time when I should be celebrating with my baby. Yesterday was hard. I did my best to keep my mind off things, but it was hard that it seemed as though no one remembered Dylan. He should be 6 weeks old. Keeping me up at night, learning to smile, and watching the world pass by learning something new every day. But we have so much to be thankful for this year.

On Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Kim. We went over our usual appointment type things. Then he tried with the dopplar to find the hearbeat. But he couldn't find it. I had myself prepared for that. So he tried with the ultra sound. He could see the baby, but couldn't get in close enough. So then he used the vaginal ultra sound and sure enough...there was Sprout moving around and his chest moving with every beat of his/her heart. It was wonderful. We got a picture and I'm going to put it into our scrapbook for the new baby. I can't believe I'm going to be 12 weeks on Monday! It's going so quickly!

On December 13th we have a 14 week ultra sound at the Peri's office. That will be nice to see. I'm hoping (wishful thinking) that we will be able to tell the sex then. It would be such a great Christmas present! I pray more than anything that this baby will be healthy. But I know it will. I can feel it in my heart.

If it's a girl, we are going to name her Abigale. If it's a boy, Alexander after Pop. It would be such a great tribute and I could only hope that their personalities are similar.

That's about it for today. I will write more later!

6 months, really??

Dylan,

I can't believe that it's 6 months tonight that we learned you were no longer with us. 6 months tomorrow, since you were born. 6 months ago right now, I was blissfully unaware of what was in store for me. Then my world crashed the moment my water broke.

Yet here I am, pregnant again with your brother or sister, and the worry is eating me alive. I worry with every twinge of pain, everytime I get up to go to the bathroom, and evertime something just 'doesn't feel right.' My emotions are all over the place, but here I am wondering about you in heaven. I see other babies that are about 6 months old and I wonder what it is that you are doing in heaven. What am I missing while you are there and I am here? Are you teething? Have you eaten solid foods yet? Are you crawling...starting to think about walking? I can't believe I'm going to miss your first steps. But I know that lots of people are there watching over you, taking care of you, and holding onto you until Mommy and Daddy get there. I miss you so badly that sometimes I just want to walk away from the life that I have here. To take Daddy and Sprout and just walk away. I have all I need with the 3 of you. You are my life, my family. The 3 of you are what keep me getting up every morning. We haven't had it easy. Sometimes I wonder why God has to test us like this. We should have passed by now. But I know in my heart that things will be ok. We will have a home (soon I hope) where we can all live with you watching over us. But I can't help but think that maybe we should just pack and leave here and start our life over somewhere else. I don't know where. But somewhere else that is just ours. A special place just for the 4 of us. Somewhere spectacular with a bright sun, mild weather, and an ocean breeze. Somewhere that's magical and extraordinary. Imagine what our life could be like. Imagine it with me, Dylan.

Someday our dreams will come true. Until then, we just have to keep on swimming.

I love you so much baby, and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow in heaven. I will be thinking of you and smiling because I know that you are there chasing Felix, watching the grass grow, and eating Mimi's mashed potatoes!

Good bye for now my little Dyl Pickle, Daddy and I miss you so very much.

Love always,
Mommy

A crazy week

The week started off badly. Last Sunday I started to bleed. I called Dr. Kim and he told me to call Monday morning and make an appointment. So I did. Althought Derick and I freaked out. I was more attached to this baby than I had thought. And I immediately couldn't imagine my life without it. We went in on Monday and everything was fine. We saw the heartbeat, and Sprout is measuring perfectly! It was wonderful.

On Wednesday I started bleeding again. I didn't freak out as much this time because I knew that I had just heard the heartbeat. But on Thursday morning when I woke up and was still bleeding, I decided to call Dr. Kim again. He wanted to see me immediately. Sprout was still there, it's heart beating away strongly, and everything again looked fine. Dr. Kim thinks it was just the placenta attaching. But everything looks ok. He doesn't think we are out of the woods yet, though.

On Friday I quit my job. Yes, you read it right. They backed me into a corner. Either I had to go out on disability or they wouldn't tolerate missing any work or having doctors appointments. Oh, and by the way, they thought I was stupid. I'm not disabled. I'm pregnant. And I'm not about to go out and persue a 'fradulent' disability charge. There is no reason for me to be out on disability! So I had to quit. I had no choice. Now we are back at the begining again.

I'm trying so save as much money as I can, but it's hard. And it's going to get harder. I want more than anything to buy Sprout a new crib and a toy that I desperately want for it. It's the Playschool Peak and Play Dome and I just adore everything about it! It's all I want to buy for him or her, and now I'm terrified that we won't get that far AND that we won't have enough money to do it! I don't want Sprout to have hand me down's...it's bad enough that I thought it was ok for Dylan. I want everything perfect for our miracle baby. A little neurotic? YES!

At the grocery store today an older lady mistook my coat for a baby in the cart. I laughed it off, but walked away in tears. I wanted to say, "It should be a baby but God had other plans." or "God willing it will be a baby, but not until June." It was horrible. I made a personal vow never to take my coat off at the grocery store again!

That's about it for now...my crappy week. I'll try to write more now that I have the time!

Sprout is on it's way!

Good news!

We found out last week, October 4th, just 5 days before our 1st anniversary that Little Sprout is on it's way.

We are pretty excited, although everyone else seems to think that we may have made a mistake. Not in having Sprout, but because we aren't where we need to be financially. But we know it will all work out. It always does. There are lots of people much worse off than we are.

So, come June 11th, 2007...God Willing...we will have a little Sprout to look after. Keep us in your prayers. We will certainly need it.

I guess from here, we just save everything that we can so that we can move out SOONer than later. I can't be here any longer than I have to be. And even if we don't have our furniture, it will still be ours.

I will certainly write more later!

Our first appointment with Dr. Kim is on the 25th! Yay!

What is going on?

Ugh...strange...

I don't know what is going on with my body. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know whether I should be excited, freaked out, scared, or all of the above.

My period was due today, and it hasn't come.

Granted, it may be just a little late. I may just be getting back on schedule. And I don't feel like I'm pregnant. I had a bit of nausea a few days ago, but that passed. But it hit me hard at work...it happened while I was walking to the car. I've had to go to the bathroom a lot. But I'm not sure if thats due to drinking more water or not. And I've been much more tired than usual, but I don't know if thats due to getting up early for work or not. So many things, so many variables. So I don't know what to think.

I do know one thing, I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just going to be even more dissapointed if it doesn't turn out the way I hope. With Dylan, I had textbook symptoms. This time I don't. Could that be due to being pregnant again so soon? Maybe. Could it be because I'm not pregnant? Probably. I'm trying not to get Derick's hopes up as well. He didn't want to try this month, but I guilted him into it I think. I didn't mean to, and he says he is ready. But I can't help but think that he was ready because I was ready.

We were talking about Christmas presents the other day, and I rattled off a long list of the things that I wanted and I hoped I could get this year. When I got done, I asked him and he said, "All I want for Christmas this year is a baby." It made my heart melt.

At the point in my life that I'm in, a baby would help tremendously. It would focus my attention on something else instead of the upcoming days. I'm having a really hard time the closer that I get. I completely lost it today at work. Sometimes I'm fine and I can talk to people all the time about Dylan, but sometimes the mention of another person's baby just puts me over the edge. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. But I'm getting there. I'm making progress...however things turn out for us.

Humanity

I'm just disgusted. I can't stop thinking about the things that were stolen from Dylan's grave. I'm starting to loose sleep over it. Not because I expect it back, or because of the money spent, but because of the meaning of the things that were there.

I can't give my son a gift and watch him smile as he opens it. I can't see the glee or hear the giggle when he touches the wrapping paper. I can't even hear him complain and throw the clothes aside! I would die just to see him smile or hear him coo. So, the gifts that I can give him were taken away. They were stolen. Would someone steal a gift to a living child? No. So why would they steal one from a child's grave? What is wrong with humanity today that someone would need those things so badly that they couldn't find the money to buy them. Why would someone need a $.59 American flag, a $1.49 Love stake, and a $19.99 planter. I would have gladly given one to anyone who would have asked...but to take...from a child? Those belonged to him. They were my babies, put there with love and affection.

I guess I'm just having a hard time. I feel like everything was taken from us. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. History has taught me not to trust things, not to believe in things, or even have hope. And it's sad. I used to be so positive, what happened? I can't even get excited for things, because I just expect them to blow up in my face. I'm so emotional lately, and just sad in general. It's getting so close to October, and sometimes I'm afraid that I just won't make it. I think that sooner or later I'm just going to give up the fight. I'm tired. Tired of trying to find the best of situations, tired of fighting for what's mine, tired of finding the good in people...and tired of letting myself get run over because in turn, I passed that onto my son...even in death. The poor little one can't even sleep peaceful without someone taking advantage of him. What have I done? Why can't I just quit trying to make everyone happy, and worry about what is best for my family?

I'm so sad. October is coming so fast and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Happy 4 month Birthday!

My Sweet Baby,

I can't believe it's been 4 months without you! It seems to have gone so fast, and so slow at the same time. I miss you so much, and everyday I love you more and more. I would do anything to have you here with me...anything. But God needed you more. And I accept that. It's just that I needed you too. Thank you for watching over Daddy and I, Uncle Chris in Iraq, and the rest of our family and friends. I know it's a big job, but you are doing it so well.

I got a job today! It's the one that I was hoping for. I'm so excited. I'm glad that we can get our lives back in order. Starting with getting our car back here! Then, eventually, we will find our own home and a special place for you in it where we can hang your pictures and your sweet little footprints wherever my heart desires. It's going to be wonderful Dylan. You will see. It's going to be perfect, our little family. I can feel it in my heart. We are going to be ok, the three of us. And when God blesses us with another miracle, we will be just as happy. Our lives can only improve from here.

Even though we miss you, day after day after day, we know that you are happy and healthy. And that's all that matters to us. You are where you need to be. Someday I will be able to hold you for eternity and I am lucky that you will never get to big to hold so I can hold you forever. You will always be my baby boy!

I love you so much sweetie! Be good to the other kids!
Love you always,
Mommy

Our new life

Hi Sweetie Pie!

How was your day today? I bet the weather up there in Heaven is perfect, because it was pretty close to perfect here! Lilo and I went for a long walk and I know that she would have loved if you could be there with us. I taught her to sit at each corner before we crossed the street. Other dogs were jealous of us!

I've had a good day today. I woke up kind of sad and feeling sorry for myself. It was hard to get out of bed today, and even harder to not go back to bed. I had an interview yesterday for a job that I really wanted and I hadn't heard anything back. But she called, around 3 when I was out with Grandma. And I got the job! I'm so excited! This means that we will be able to start our new life. We will be able to get our own house, get our car back, and maybe get you a little brother or sister! Daddy won't feel as much stress now that I have a job and he can consentrate on his classes so he can do what he loves. And Lilo, well she will just have to adjust to me not being home all day! I think she can manage, but keep her company. When you are there, it keeps her busy for hours!

Our new life is going to be perfect. I promise. You will always be a part of it. Your brother's and sister's will always know you, and they will know that you are always with them. We have the most special family. God only picks certain people to give birth to an Angel. And God knows that we can do it because we love you so much. We love you so much that we will sacrafice our baby to be an Angel in Heaven. God always needs more angels!

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born
that something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
it doesn't mean I am gone.
The world was worthy, Not of me
God Chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face.
You'll have my word I'll fill your arms,
someday we will embrace.
You'll hear "It wasn't meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes."
But that won't soften your worst blow,
or make your heart not ache.
I am watching over all you do,
another child you will bear.
Believe me when I say to you
that I am always there!
There will come a time I promise you,
when you will hold my hand.
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
and then you'll understand.
Although I never breathed your air
or gazed into your eyes,
That does not mean I never was
An angel never dies!

So Dyls, things are starting to look up. I think.

I'm thinking of starting an organization called Hearts Full of Hope that makes hearts, stuffed with fuzz, and embroidered with the word Hope for women who have lost their babies, had a miscarriage, or struggle with health and infertility. I would donate some to the hospital where you were born, and send them to women who need a little hope. I have recieved so much from so many women, that it's imperative that I give some back. They will also have felt hearts inside...red for love, yellow for happyness, green for success, purple for fertility, blue for health, and white for their angel. I think people would like them. But I might need some help getting them out. I have to work on that...maybe Aunt Sondra would be willing to help. It will all be in memory of you. Everything I do is for you, and this will be my way of sharing your love and your life. Daddy could make us a website where people can order them for a small donation and all of the money recieved will go to the March of Dimes or another organization to help babies to small like you. I could also sell them for a donation at different places. Sort of like the Girl Scouts in Walmart! They will have a ribbon hook so that people could use them as an ornament, a decoration, or hang them in the bedroom of their very own miracle baby to always remind them to have hope. It's easy to loose, and very hard to get back.

It's been a long road getting here. But I'm glad to finally be here!

I love you so very much sweetie pie! I miss you every day. I don't think we will be able to get to see you this weekend because there is a bad storm coming by. But we will for your 4 month birthday next week.

Love always,

Mommy