Is it better NOT knowing?

My mom saw old friends of ours this week at work. I haven't seen them since highschool as we all went our seperate ways. But we were close...just not anymore. Their mother was saying that her oldest daughter is getting married in 2 months, it's stressful. Her mother passed away last month, and last Friday her youngest daughter came home...pregnant. Approximately 5 months along, and they are a very strict Italian-Catholic family with a good community standing and a strong family structure. She cried, while telling my mom, and she said that her husband sobbed...sobbed like she has never seen in their 30+ years of marriage. She acknowledged what we have been through, and mentioned that the biggest dissapointment is that their daughter didn't feel it neccessary for any prenatal care. So she is going today to her first appointment.

So for me, it begs the question...is it better to NOT know what could happen and go through life happy, or is it better to prepare yourself for things that could go wrong? They say that knowledge is power, but is it always? I started researching possible problems when I was pregnant with Dylan. I was obsessed that something was going to go wrong and as it turns out, my intuition was correct. Maybe I should have followed blissful ignorance? Perhaps I would have been better off...or at least slept a little more soundly.

It just seems to me that women who go through a pregnancy without prenatal care walk away with a full heart and full arms. They don't seem to have to go through the horror of leaving the hospital with a little box and a teddy bear. Maybe they have just as many problems, but it sure doesn't seem like it. And I am thoroughly convinced that Derick's cousins little boy has some residual problems from no prenatal care...but also no parental care. He stares a lot, is slow with his motor skills, and doesn't seem to giggle and coo as much as other 9 month old babies. But is that from not having care while in the womb, or not being stimulated enough by his mother as an infant?

What do you all think? About blissful ignorance, I mean.

Here's Tater

These first two pictures are of the TAC. The first picture is showing where the band is. The white lines are the nylon band. The second picture is showing my cervical measurement. If you can see, the cervix is the line going from the center to the top right of the picture. Just days after the surgery, my cervix measured 3.05 cm. Fantastic considering before, unpregnant, it measured 1.9. Typically the cervix 'grows' after the TAC is placed because it is so high up.





These next two pictures are of Tater at 12w. The first is his profile shot and the second shows him waiving his arms and legs. He's growing beautifully and is measuring right on track. My cervix is completely closed, and the band is only 1cm from the baby! To those of us with IC, that's very significant. It means that basically there is no room for the cervix to funnel, or the cervix cannot open from the uterus out. Vaginally, the cerclage can only be placed so high up and it typically leaves a lot of room for it to funnel. So the fact that it's so close to the baby is great news.

All this makes me think...maybe this will really work?

Dear Dr. Dick,

I saw you today. You probably didn't recognize me. But I know you. You killed Riley. You let him die. And you don't care. In fact, you probably don't even know that you killed him.

I hate what you did to my son. I hate what you did to my family. You ruined me as a person. You made me distrust everything that I once trusted. You made me a bitter, angry human being. A person that I wish I didn't know. And once again, you don't care.

I've got news for you. You will not know our baby this time. You won't touch him/her, and you'll never lay a finger on my body. You don't need to know that I have a TAC this time around, that I put myself and my baby through this surgery because you didn't act fast enough with the vaginal cerclage. You don't need to know that everything looks really good with the baby, and with my cervix. And you certainly don't need to know that I'm even pregnant again. You won't see happy pictures of us, and you won't ever look into my baby's eyes or touch it's soft hair. You won't see it's chubby cheeks, or it's pink skin...you won't even hear it's breath.

You took that away from me, Dr. Dick. And for that I can never forgive you. You robbed me of the life I was supposed to have with Riley. You took away those moments that every mother dreams of...and you don't care. How many other dreams have you taken from mother's just like me? Because I know you crushed Lisa's. You robbed her of her life with Brandon and Matthew. Do you know that? Do you know what you've done to us?

I'm angry, I'm bitter...and I still have a lot of hatred. I don't ever, ever want to see you again. And if you can't tell by the angry eyes I gave you today, then you are much worse off than I thought.

I hope that you sleep well at night knowing what you've done to us.

Update

I'm finally able to sit at the computer for an extended period of time to write an update. I appologize to everyone that was waiting for one...

I got my staples out last Wednesday, and the doctor examined my incision. He said that everything looked really, really good and then he insisted on doing an ultrasound. I think it was more to see the TAC than to see the baby, as he excitedly pointed that out on the screen. But regardless, all was well with both. He then went on to tell us that the hospital that I will be delivering at has 4000-5000 babies born their each year making it the 4th largest delivery center in the state. Then he explained that he has been in practice for 15 years, and it those 15 years he has only see 5 abdominal cerclages! It was really interesting to hear, because I knew it was rare but had no idea that it was THAT rare. He also mentioned that there aren't many because most people just give up after a second loss, and he commended me for not doing that. Although, I can certainly understand why people would give up. I'd be lying if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. However the need to have a child of my own strongly outweighed the fear of things going wrong again. And if it happens again...and only if it happenes again...I'll really believe that things happen for a reason. That I'm just not meant to have my own biological children. But God knows that I have a renewed faith right now. I don't know how long it will last, and I don't know that I'll always feel this way...but I'm confident. And it feels good for right now. I'll let you know how confident I feel around 15 weeks though : )

Anyway, the recovery has been going really well. My mom has pretty much been here every day taking care of things for us. Making meals, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Derick still can't do much with his finger, and after going to the ER Saturday night we thought it was infected. We went to his doctor this morning and he's scheduled tomorrow for surgery to remove the tip, but the doctor said he's going to do what he can to save the fingernail.

My incision is healing really well. The steri-strips are starting to come off, and it's healed pretty much. I think that the scaring will be minimal, which is nice. But let's be honest...it's not like I'm going to be wearing a bikini anytime soon! I still have mild pain, but it's not to bad. At first I felt like something was wrong because I've been very sore below my belly-button. But then I figured out today that it might just be trapped gas. The doctor also explained the other day that when Dr. Davis did the surgery he needed to move all of my other organs around to get to my uterus which causes some irratability with them. Things are bruised and a bit swollen, but completely normal. At least I'll know what to expect with the c-section!

Derick loved reading your comments, and he couldn't believe how many people cared. So thank you all for that. He's been checking my email and reading my messages aloud to me.

So now I'm off...my mom is coming over to take me out to lunch and to Target for a little while. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get one of those motorized carts though. That way I'll be more comfortable. My body deffinately tells me when I've done to much!

We're home

It was a long weekend, and although everything went pretty close to the plan, there were still some bumps in the road.

We packed up the car and left Thursday afternoon to get to his office for an ultrasound and to fill out the consent forms. The receptionist that checked us in wasn't very plesant, but she asked if this was my first and I explained to her about the boys her tune changed a bit. She then explained that he always fits people in without telling her which results in her schedule getting messed up. Understandable, but in no way related to me. And most certainly not my fault. Anyway, they took me in pretty quickly and did the ultrasound. The baby looked great, moving around some and the heart rate was 171! We were so happy to see that little flicker, and to know that the surgery was a go.

Our surgery was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30 am so we had to be there early. We left our hotel at 5:30 to get to the hospital at 6 for check in and everything. Luckily we were one of the first peole there and slid right through pretty quick. They took me in and started the IV, and then they called Derick in to say goodbye. I was a blubbering fool! I couldn't stop crying, and the nurse lovingly explained to him that I was emotional and it was because of my hormones...try not to read to much into it. But I felt so bad. I was so scared, and I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was already. But I couldn't stop crying. We got into the next room where they checked all of my vital signs and the anesteiologist (?) came in and met with me. I explained to him that I was nervous about being awake and he calmed all of my fears. He explained in depth what I would feel with the spinal and that the hardest part was keeping my mind calm. He explained that if I kept my mind off of pain or anything related to the surgery, I would be fine. However people that can't differentiate the two in their mind have a very difficult time. So I took his advice, and we went in to the OR. It was cold, and it was small. The nurses there were so very nice, and they held me as he inserted the catheter in my spine. It hurt much less than the IV that they had started, and soon I was unable to feel anything from my rib cage down.

Before I knew it, the doctor had started cutting. I could not feel a thing pain wise, but I could feel him rearranging things and moving the skin around. It was strange, but not painful. Then he did the ultrasound. Right on my uterus. That was really cool, as the baby was so perfectly happy (well I'm assuming) and not stressed at all. He assured me that the tied the band the tightest, and then he started to sew me back up. As he was doing that, the spinal block started to wear off and I could feel them. Not bad, but not really comfortable. It was a dull ache, but I'm kind of glad that it wore off so quickly. I don't like the feeling of not being able to move my body.

Then I was in the recovery room...for an hour. The spinal wore of mostly, and I was talking to the nurses there who had ironically taken care of my cousin the week before. It was nice to chat with them, and then she explained that she has IC too. Her and her husband made the difficult decision not to have another child after their son was born healthy and alive. It was just to hard for them. So they adopted their daughter, and finally felt as though their lives were complete. Interesting. I think I'll always remember her.

Soon they announced that I could go up to my room, and when I got there the nurses were very nice again. Most of the people that I met were compassionate and had seen so many cases just like me come and go. So it was nice, you know, not to feel like a freak. But still, there were quite a few people that came in asking if I had a girl or a boy or who my baby looked like just because they assumed that I had a c-section. It was difficult to explain, but then they just stopped asking. My family got there quickly, but I was in quite a bit of pain. When I talked to Lisa Friday night and she said that she would update, she said that she needed to hang up with me because the morphine was making me slur my words. Lol! Derick said he noticed the same thing, as I was not quite myself.

By later that night, I was in a lot of pain, and by Saturday morning they had me up and moving. It hurt, like hell, but when I started walking it started to feel better. I took a shower on Sunday before leaving, and was the first time I got a chance to look at the incision. It's 8-10 inches long and stapled. I was suprised that it was that big, but then again...I'm a big person. So it's probably why. Derick helped me in the shower, washed my back and places that I couldn't reach...what a husband! He's been helping me go to the bathroom each time since I got the catheter out. He's been so great.

Sunday afternoon the doctor came back in and took us for our final ultrasound. The baby was kicking and moving his/her arms and legs so fast we couldn't get many good pictures! And the doctor showed us what the baby looked like in 4d, even though it was pretty early to see much. But we could see his/her eyes and nose and that was priceless. Everything looked perfect. The heartrate was 180bpm and s/he was thriving. My cervix measured 3.05cm of functional cervix, as opposed to 2.0 on Thursday. Everythig was perfect. But still no attachment. A perfect baby with parents that are afraid to love it.

We spoke to the doctor about our fear of attachment. He said that nearly 100% of his patients feel that way. It's difficult, but we aren't alone. He said that from his own experience we will become more and more attached after we are able to trust that things will go right this time. For some that is after the loss week, and for other's it isn't until they are about to bring the baby home. But nevertheless, we will at some point, become attached.

So we're home and sore, but happy to be here. Lilo is adjusting well to her new spot at the end of the couch next to me, and Derick is adjusting well (sort of) to his role as caregiver. My mother has never been happier in her life to take care of me, and most of our family is just as supportive. There are still a few, of course, but at this point there is nothing I can do or say to make them change their minds or opinions. So it's not worth it. We've decided to let them go, and be happy with our lives. Because that is what is important. That is why we are putting ourselves through all this physical pain...for joy and happiness again.

Thank you all again for your nice comments. I'm so glad that I have such a loving family here in blogland.

An Update On BABY NO WAY OUT..........

HI all,

This is Lisa Beckys Friend She asked me to post an update for all of you... She had the cerclage placed this morning and everything went fine. Her cervix is shut and from what the Dr. said nothing is coming out of that cervix. I spoke with her a little while ago and she sounds tired but good. I will post again tommorow with more news. By the way Tators heart rate was great and the baby looks good.

Lisa

Here we go...

I can't believe what I'm about to do. I can't believe that I'm putting myself through so much for a person that I don't even know yet. But it was never a thought. It never crossed my mind not to. This is the way that I'll have children. And it's the only way...so you do what you do, right?

I'm anxious to get going, but terrified at the same time. My stomach is a mess today, I could hardly keep anything down. It's probably just nerves, but it's not what I need right now. Hopefully we'll get to see Tator today, and hopefully everything is good, although I'm sure that it is.

I will try to update as soon as I can, but I might not get home from the hospital until Monday. So if I can't update when I get home, Derick will for me. I'll just dictate to him from the couch : )

Love you all so much, and thank you a million times over for your support!

Opperation No Way Out

3 days and counting.

I can't believe it's almost here. Time is flying by. I never thought that I'd make it to 10 weeks already and here I am. I really thought that I wasn't capable of having a living child.

And here I am. Opperation No Way Out is going just as planned. Can you believe something is going as planned *knock on wood*? For once, things are on schedule and going in our favor.

Dr. Davis placed the TAC on my cousin last week as an emergency rescue at 19 weeks. Everything went beautifully, and her little girl is thriving. It brings me such hope. He is also thinking about doing a case study on us. Her sister lost 2 babies and had a 26 weeker, and with my issues...maybe there is a hereditary link after all. Maybe our babies did't die in vain. Maybe there is some greater good to come out of all this.

It's still very difficult for me to think that things will work out this time. Everyone else is very optomistic, in fact my mom has started saving money to buy a crib. But I still can't shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. After what we've been through, maybe I'll always have that feeling. But I'm more optomistic this time. It's a different baby, a different doctor, and we know how to fix the problem.

I just have to keep reminding myself that good things do happen.

What a week

I had another appointment on Tuesday. Everything went really well. It was with the nurse, but she went over everything that I needed to know before I even had a chance to bring it up. She said that after the TAC is placed, they will do weekly ultrasounds to monitor everything. Her and my doctor both agree that the progesterone shots are deffinately needed, even though my old doctor said they were unneccessary. She wants to start them at approximately 14w instead of the usual 16 and that the people that will come to our house and administer them weekly will also check for contractions and the fetal heart rate. So that will be kind of nice! With them, I have an appointment scheduled for March 18th, and then a level I ultrasound scheduled for March 20th with the Peri. She advised me to call the day of the appointment though because there are only 2 doctors on that day. The good one, and the one that killed Riley.

H0wever, I'm starting to get nervous about things. At this point it's been almost 2 weeks since the last ultrasound and the heartbeat, and still 2 weeks until the TAC. I can't help but think that the baby died and I don't know it. I'm sure that's not the case because a missed miscarriage isn't all that common. But I'm still nervous about it. And I'm afraid that it's just going to get worse as time goes on. One week at a time...one week at a time...

And then, to make the week better...Derick called me Thursday morning early. I almost ignored the phone and then I realized that it must be important because he doesn't usually call that early unless something is going on. I answered and he said, "Meet me at the ER. I hurt myself, bad." I freaked out, expecting that because my babies die, that something terrible is going to happen to him too. So I threw my clothes on, drive to the ER and when I'm on my way, he calls to see where I am. He's crying at this point, and he keeps telling me that he loves me. Now I'm really scared.

I get there, and come to find out that he almost cut his finger off. He works with steel, and apparently they kind of folded in on his finger and pinched it. It was cut from his top knuckle to his fingernail. The nail was basically what kept it attached. Originally they thought they would have to take him into the OR to reattach all of the nerves and stuff. But the doctor came in and said that he would be able to just stitch it back together and regardless of doing it in the OR or not, there would still be nerve damage. He also fractured the bone, and bruised the rest of his hand.

So now here we are...

We can barely take care of ourselves. The house is a mess. I'm so stressed out about everything...the bills, the baby, the surgery, Derick, keeping up with the housecleaning, the dog...everything. He's in a lot of pain, but doesn't like to take the pain medicine because it makes him groggy. He's sleeping now, and when I looked over Lilo had offered him her stuffed animal to sleep with. I'm sure that he didn't even notice, but she put it under his arm to snuggle. Haha! I tried to take a picture, but when I came back he had apparently noticed and pushed it away!

I told him that it's so nice of him to be so concerned about my surgery that he's hurt himself so he can take care of me later : )

I miss them

I took out the boys things last night. I haven't touched them or held them in a long time. I looked at their pictures...and I remembered that the pictures don't look anything like them. I looked at their noses, and their toes, and little ears. I miss their little noses. I had forgotten what they looked like. What kind of mother forgets what her children look like?

I had forgotten that it was impossible to tell if it was the weight of the blanket or the weight of them when I was holding them. They were so tiny. My tiny boys...how I miss them. I got that familiar ache in my arms again. That heaviness in my heart. I have it now as I type this. My chest aches for them to be near me. I had a dream the other night that I was breastfeeding them. Like if I just kept feeding them, they would be alive because it was me that was keeping them alive. And in my dreams, when I have them of babies...more often than not the babies look just like them except pink and alive.

I touched Riley's foot molds. I traced the arch in his foot, inspected his tiny toes...I miss those toes. God what I would do to see those toes one more time.

Here I am blessed with one more chance, and all I keep thinking about are the chances that I've missed. I was thinking this morning about what it would be like to bring home a living baby. One that cries because s/he needs me as much as I need them. And I can't see anything but tears. Maybe because that's what I'm used to. Endless, body consuming grief.

I gotta go now, my old familiar friend Grief is knocking at my door.

TAC scheduled!

Dr. Davis called today to schedule the surgery. It's set for March 7th!

Thank God! I feel such a relief to have a date set. It's going to be a big weight off of our shoulders once that's done and over with. He said that I'll probably be in the hospital 2-3 days. So maybe I'll be out that Sunday, but it's doubtful.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Since Monica asked about Tator...I'll explain : )

Derick and I were at the store not long ago. We were walking through the frozen food section and I said, "Oooh, Tator Tot's." Let me make it clear that I don't usually care for tator tot's. They remind me a lot of the school cafeteria. So it was unusual for me to want to eat them. So Derick teased me and said that our little Tator needs a Tot! And that's how Tator came to be known as Tator.

And possibly we've settled on names. You know, just in case we need to know sooner than expected.


Brady Matthew
Natalie Rylan (Elizabeth, Elenor, or Sara)

Rylan is Dylan and Riley's names together. We had wanted it to be a middle name, however it doesn't go with much. Derick thinks it should 'go' with everything : )

He just suggested naming the baby after the dog. Ay, it's going to be a long night.

Update

Sorry for leaving you all hanging!

It was a crazy/scary week.

Monday I came home from work and was cooking dinner. Derick was at the fire house doing training. I felt a trickle, and I knew it was blood. But I finished cooking dinner because I was afraid of looking. I went in the the bathroom, and I had bled through my jeans and it was going down my legs. There were lots of large clots, and the toilet water was red with blood. I wiped, and there was another large clot. I was terrified! I started crying uncontrollably, and got sick to my stomach. Then I had an anxiety attack...and then I called the doctor. She said that it sounded like I was miscarrying, and that the cramps will increase and it could take 4-5 hours or days for the process to complete. Derick came home and called his mom and she said that she remembers the cramps like doubling over in pain. But I had no cramps. The bleeding had stopped by 12am, and by the following morning it was just brown spotting.

I called the doctors office and they got me in at 9:45 am but we waited and waited because they fit me in. The doctor came in and he was great. He did the ultrasound and he said to the nurse, "Do you see what I see?" and she said, "I see a hearbeat!" Derick said he knew right away as soon as he looked at the screen, and I kept thanking God over and over again. My mom cried. Of course. I was afraid to bring her though because I didn't want her to get there and there be no heartbeat. It was so traumatizing and I didn't want her to go through it. But since she had orginally taken the day off, I didn't want her to waste it.

So little Tator is just fine and settled happily for a long haul. The doctor gave me the go ahead to schedule the surgery and he checked my cervix and it was nice and closed. But he warned me not to take to much from it at this point. It still made me happy though : )

Thank you all for your kind thoughts....we are so lucky to have you thinking of us!

All my love, always!

Fear

What am I so afraid of?

Some people are afraid of death, some people are afraid of life, some people are afraid of loosing everything or everyone that they have....and some people are just afraid. Maybe that's the catagory that I fall into.

I'm afraid that something will happen to this baby. I have no reason to think this. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping or anything out of the usual, but I'm just afraid that something will happen and I won't know it.

We have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. She's going to go over everything, and then have the ultrasound. I wish they could do it the other way around. Do the ultrasound first because what if there is nothing else to go over? My mom is going with me. I want to be so happy for this baby, because really, everyone else in my life is. They 'feel' that this is the one. They know that things will work out because people don't loose 3 babies.

A very good friend said to me yesterday, "I'm so excited for this baby." I told her that I understood. And she said, "No, I mean really excited. Like can't sit still, starting to plan the shower excited." She was there for me when I lost the boys. Her mother is my mother's best friend, and we've been close since we were 10. She cried with us and for us, and her and her mother would call and say, "Be ready at 2, we're picking you up." She didn't give me the option to bow out, because if she did I would have gladly stayed in my bed. But there was no choice. And if I didn't answer the door, they would come in and get me. If I wasn't ready, they'd wait for me. And it was her mother that rescued me from the cemetary when I was to weak to drive myself home. Sitting on the bench, she held me while I cried. She answered me when I asked what I had done so terrible in my life to deserve such pain. She listened to me when I was desperate, and comforted me when I had a breakdown that day...alone...in the cemetary. They were there with me every step of the way. And for my family...my mother...

So knowing that they are behind us, is a great feeling. Everyone is I suppose. They are so hopeful, so why am I so afraid of being hopeful for myself?

Because the rug was pulled out from under me once...and twice...I'm afraid for the third time. I bought some new maternity clothes. That's a step in the right direction, maybe. And I even bought some long sleeve Carter t-shirts for baby...they were $3.30 for 2 in a package. I bought a few...pink, blue, green, and yellow. They were so cute, and so perfect. I bought them in a 9 month size. Perfect for this time next year, if we get there.

As I drifted of to sleep last night, I whispered to the baby "I will not let you down..."

My Friend

In the begining of December, my mother called and sounded sad. I asked her what was wrong, and she skirted the issue a little making small talk and putting things off. Finally, after she was satisfied that I was alright, she continued.

"Remember I told you Carol's sister was pregnant?"
"Yeah, I remember...with twins?"
"Yup...well she's at the hospital. She lost baby A at 20 weeks. They are hoping that they can
save baby B."
"Oh no. My heart breaks for her. Keep me posted."
"I will. Carol called me and she said that if anyone would understand it was us."
"Oh geeze, Mom. Tell her to tell her sister that if she ever needs to talk..."
"I will."

I hung up and told Derick. He said that we should send them a card. I told him that we didn't know them, but that we will pray for them to make it through.

Two days later, December 4th, my mother called again to say that she lost her second son.

A few weeks later I had a message on my blog from a woman that lived near me. She explained that she had just lost her sons due to IC, and she noticed where I lived. I emailed her, and she wrote back. I saw my mom that night, and I asked her if Carol's sister's name was Lisa. I explained the story, and how it was fate that we meant. Our little boys brought us together, and we have been pretty close ever since. She was the one that suggested that I might be pregnant, even when I didn't want to believe it myself. She's comforted through my worries, and I hope that I've comforted her when she's needed me.

But I've noticed lately, especially after I called to see how she was two months later, and I'm sure she's probably reading this now...but I'm afraid for her. I know what it's like to pull away and isolate yourself after your loss. I know how freightening it is, and how sometimes you want nothing more than to hide in bed all day. And it's not something that each person does consciously. It's something that just happens. But I don't want it to happen to her. I desperately want for her to come through this...because there is light at the end of her tunnel. When Derick and I talked about it, I had hoped that it had nothing to do with me being pregnant again...as I know that pain all to well too. There are to many nights that I can count where I have cried myself to sleep knowing that "So and so is pregnant and I'm not..." It's killed friendships that I had, and it's made me think terrible things about people that I love so much. And if she feels this way...I understand. I understand those tears and that heartache.

Anyway, Lisa has become a great friend to me when I needed it more than anything. I used to ask God, through my tears, for someone to talk to. And I found it...or I should say that she found me.

So if you are reading this...know how much you mean to me always. You are the answer to my prayers, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Neither here nor there

I feel like a wacko today. I feel like I'm worried over the craziest things, and to other people they are insignifigant. Does that make sense?

Right now I'm worried about keeping the baby in. That is my focus. I understand that I could loose the baby to any number of things, however my biggest concern is keeping the baby in.

Everything is going along smoothly

The doctor called this morning with the result of my third hCG. It went up to 426. She said she's very pleased and everything is progressing wonderfully. So I'm happy, although I can't wait for the first ultrasound.

I spoke with my mom last night and I think I've realized why she's so afraid. She doesn't understand why I would put my life on the line for this little baby (who she doesn't even know, really) to have this surgery. I told her that I needed to take the risk, and if God forbid something were to happen...well, it would happen. She's having a hard time understanding this concept. We know the risks, they are small...and don't include danger to me really. But anything can happen. It's still a major surgery. Derick and I have talked about the risks, and it's so small that we are willing to take it in order to have children.

She also told my dad. He's worried. Typical. He always worries about us. That's what he does. We'll be fine though, I'm sure. And if not...at least we are together.

So I've just got to bite the bullet and tell my brother and sister in law. They are perhaps the most judgemental people in my life. So it's not going to be fun. Regardless of whether I tell them or my parents do, she's still going to talk about us behind our backs. That's just what she does. Just got to bite the bullet I guess.

I put a call into Dr. Davis (the TAC specialist) and hopefully he'll get back to me soon. I'm anxiously awaiting a date for a safe landing.

I think this one's a keeper

I think, and I don't want to jinx myself here...but I think this one's a keeper : )

My hCG went up to 103 on Friday. So it more than doubled. She sent me back this morning, and hopefully things will go up again some more!

I'm going to call Dr. Davis this afternoon to tentatively schedule my appointment for the surgery. I'm anxious to get it scheduled so that I have something to go by.

And I'm going to make my prediction now and not that I care, of course...

But I say girl.

I forgot

I had a good post in mind, but I forgot what I was going to write about. I've been doing that lately...forgetting...I think it's the pregnancy brain. I forgot to put my car in park the other night, and I only realized it when it started rolling towards the car in front of me. Then I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair when I took a shower last night. I don't remember locking the door when I leave for work, and I when I get there, I have to write everything down otherwise I'm asking people the same information they've already given me. I don't ever remember it being this bad before, but it must be a good sign.

Yesterday I felt like crap. ***TMI*** I almost threw up a few times, and by almost I mean that I could taste it at the bottom of my throat and threw up a few times in my mouth. That MUST be a good sign.

I think the bean is doing well. I hope, at least. The doctors office called Friday night to let me know that she couldn't get the results then but will call first thing Monday morning with them. I fell pretty confident now. Nature has a way of reassuring you that everything is alright. My breasts are sore, my stomach hurts, and nothing is appetizing. All those must be good signs!

Monica H left me a comment on my last post about worrying. She said that when she was pregnant with Sam and Jack she never found out until she was like 6-8 weeks along. I thought about it, and remembered that when I was pregnant with Dylan and Riley I refused to take a test until I was about 6 weeks. It was a lot less stress and things just seemed to go quicker. At that poing there was already a heartbeat, we could already see them on the ultrasound, and the 1st trimester was half way over. This time, however, was different. With the boys I didn't get a postive on a HPT until much later...if/when I tried to test around 10-16 dpo it was still negative. That's why I'm so suprised that I got a positive now. However, since I'm so crazy this time and because I have to have the TAC placed, I wanted to know ASAP.

I'm NEVER going to know this soon again : )

Derick and I talked yesterday, and we both agreed that this is very stressful on us both. More so than we had thought. So we talked about how if this one is born healthy and on time, we might not try again for another 5 years...maybe even 10. It's just so much for us both. It'd be ok if we only had one child, but neither one of us would be content with it. We even talked about the possibility of doing a surrogate next time. And of course, adoption is still in our minds. I guess we just never realized how hard this would be on us. I don't know when we are going to relax. Maybe 26 weeks? 28 weeks? If I even get that far...

Last night Derick was holding me...

Him- "I think I'm going to sleep on the couch when the baby comes."
Me- "Why? You don't have to do that, we'll take turns gettting up."
Him- "No, it's not that."
Me- "Ok"
Him- "I just don't ever want to sleep as far away from him or her as we do from the boys."
Me- "Uhh...ok."

I'm blown away that he thinks like this. I'm pretty sure that he would sleep next to our child for the rest of his life if it meant that they'd be safe. It's weird what men think of. I think of them being safe in a motherly way...healthy, warm, fed....and he wants to physically keep them safe. Like safe from the world almost. If he sleeps right next to them nightmares can't get to them, there won't be any monsters under the bed, no crying at night, no staying up past their bedtime, no sneakng boys into the house, no sneaking out at night...it's a lovely thought, but someday they will grow up and the inevitable will happen...

As much as we would like to keep them as safe as we can right now, it doesn't mean that things will always be this way. What's strange is that for us, the safest place for them to be right now is NOT in my uterus. It's in our arms.

I'm neurotic

I went for my hCG levels on Tuesday. Wednesday the doctor called and said, "It was 46. That's a little on the low side." Nothing like a little worry. Last night I was at work, went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. Not a lot, but it was bright red. I bled with Riley too the same way. I knew it was ok, but I started to freak out. I cried, thought about going home, and then I thought about how I have to stay calm. I can't stress myself out about it. If it's going to happen, I thought, there's nothing that I can do to prevent it.

So I went home, did some dishes, and laid down on the couch. I noticed that from doing the dishes, I had broken out in an allergic reaction on my hands. Apparently I'm allergic to the dishes and can't do them anymore ; )

To make a long story short, including a lot of tears and praying....the bleeding stopped this morning. It went from bright red to brown this morning. I went for my second hCG this morning and I called the doctor and she's going to try and get the results for me this tonight instead of having to wait until Monday. Only because I was bleeding and concerned.

Hopefully I'll hear something back tonight. Otherwise I'm going to be completely neurotic all weekend!

Reluctant to post

I'm a bit reluctant to post this. However, I can't hold it to myself any longer.



WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY!



Ok, I'm done now.



My heart wants so much to be excited about this. But my brain keeps saying, "You can't tell anyone. You don't want to untell them. This might not work, it's not a guarentee...things could happen." But my heart is feeling otherwise.

I'm cautiously excited at this point. Still in shock, and very, very anxious.

It's just so hard to believe that a baby will come at the end of all of this...