Private

If you want an invite, email me at cinderella20032 at aol.com.

I thought that the feelings on my blog was private. All mine. I thought that other's understood what I was saying and what I wasn't saying. But I guess not. My privacy has been invaded, and I feel like I've been exposed.

For the last 2 1/2 years this has been my lifeline. You all knew the intimate details of my life. What I wanted to say and couldn't, you encouraged me. I will miss you terribly.

My love to you all, and I promise that I'll keep reading!

Eta: I put some posts back in. Ones that I feel are beneficial to others. Maybe. Maybe I'm just delusional. But anyhow, I put them back. If you've gotten this far and I've already moved on, shoot me an email and I'll send you an invite. That is, if you really want to hear our saga continue.

It seems silly now

Yesterday I was chatting with Lisa, and we were talking about how mentally we do crazy things when we are pregnant after a loss. I described to her what Lily's funeral would have looked like, had she died. I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys, pre-ordering the flowers, and burning a cd with the music. I remember thinking, This time we're going to go all out...pull out all the stops for our last child. I had a check-list of things that I would do right this time. I would take lots of pictures and let everyone hold her. I put off buying the headstone because I was convinced that we'd just have to add another name to it anyway. I didn't want Derick to get his memorial tattoo because I wanted to make sure that he had enough room to add her name to it. I didn't want to name her. I didn't want to find out her gender. I didn't want to do any of those things because if I did, it meant that she was real.

But I was in love with her.

And it didn't happen. The other shoe didn't drop.

I sat around, on edge, for months waiting for my water to break. Even when she was about to be born, they had to break it. Even when I was fully dialated, she didn't come out.

It seems silly now that I spent so much time waiting for those things to happen. Planning on those things happening.

Now I hold her in my arms and I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her face everyday. It's just...silly. It is, really. But in that moment, we do anything and everything we can do to survive until the next day.

Parents

We got a lovely email from Derick's aunt today. His dad is in the hospital. He went in for another round of Chemo on Thursday, but they decided to keep him. He had something done with his bone marrow, and they are doing many CAT scans. They think his lymph nodes are getting more swollen or something. So his aunt suggested that we visit sooner than later.

Derick's afraid to call. I think that he's afraid to hear the prognosis. So I emailed his aunt back and asked myself. I don't blame him. No one wants to loose their parent, but there comes a point when you have to grow up and accept things the way they are. I hope that he's able to do that. I don't want to scare him, but I know that if it's in his lymph nodes it's not a good thing. I don't know much about Leukemia, but I have certainly dealt with my share of cancer.

In her email, she said, "I'm so glad Becky contacted us. We didn't forget about you. We could never forget about you." She also said, "Becky seems like such a nice person." To which Derick responded, "Obviously she doesn't know you well." She loved the pictures of Lily. Hopefully they will brighten up his day a little bit too. She said that Derick looked so happy, and they were so glad...that's all they ever wanted for him.

We can't make the trip in December to visit them. But my brother offered us tickets on the airline that he works for. Hopefully we'll be able to make it in January or February. I have time in March, but I'm afraid that might be to late. I don't want to visit if he's not feeling up to it. She offered up her bed and said that she can stay with her daughter. She has her grandaughter's crib for Lily, and some toys for her to play with. It seems like a nice trip. I hope we can make it.

I also inquired about his brothers and sister. I told her that I had hoped he could get in touch with them, if not for him but for Lily. They are her aunts and uncles and cousins. She should know them...and not at her grandfather's funeral.

I was afraid this would be a disaster, but it's turned out better than I thought.

Chunky Monkey

Lisa and I took Lily for her pictures yesterday. The intent was to get her Christmas picture taken, but she had other ideas! So we ended up with some really great newborn pictures and we are going to go back to get her Christmas pictures done. She screamed so loud she turned purple! Then a not-so-nice man told us that we had to hurry up and they couldn't even give me 5 minutes to get her calmed down. Ah, that's another rant though...

All in all, they did a wonderful job and I'm very happy with them.




When she took the picture with the feather's, I cried. She looked just like an angel. And of course, I couldn't help but think about who wasn't there.

As we were packing up to leave, it hit me again. Thank God I was with Lisa. Someone who understood what I didn't say. It was bittersweet, as was Halloween. I suppose that every other
first will be the same way. That's why they call it grief. It comes at you when you least expect it. It's always there even when it's disguised as joy.

So much to say

I have so much to say and not enough time to say it..

Lily went to the Neonatologist and her Pediatrician on Monday. The poor kid, I double booked her by accident. The Neo said that she was doing great, but approaching chubby baby. She weighs 11lbs 3oz and is 22 inches long. So he had us discontinue her cereal for her reflux. He also suggested that the cereal is what is constipating her so she went twice on her own since we stopped it. I was so happy that I almost cried. Who would have thought I'd be this interested in another human being's bowel movements. He also looked at her Erb's Palsey and said he's sure that she's completely recovered! The Ped gave her the Synagist shot for RSV season, the first of many. She'll get them from November to April. She also gave her the 2nd round of her vaccines. Something interesting, I guess, is that when I was pregnant...or before I was even pregnant...I knew that I would space out her vaccines. My family is very aware of autism, and it was something that I wanted to do. Not totally rule them out, but not give them as combined shots. But with Lily being a preemie and all I didn't want to take any chances. I was afraid. But Monday my mom gave me a whole bunch of shit about it. "I thought you were going to space them out..." blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we just don't do what we thought we would.

We can't get flights to Denver to see Derick's dad which upsets us both. The only flights left with the class of service that my tickets are for come back late Monday night and I can't miss 3 days of work. Not after how good they've been to us. So it's a dud, I guess. I told Derick that we could potentially go in Febuary or so, and if we both can't afford to go he can take Lily by himself.

So I don't know what we're going to do with our tickets. I suggested heading to Austin to see Monica H. but he's not sure. So we're up in the air about it. Any suggestions?

And finally, I had a huge political post written in my head but I just can't seem to get it out. I made Lily stay awake last night to see who won. I wanted to tell her when she comes to me with her history book that she was there to see it. I'm putting a lot of faith in Mr. Obama. I pray that he comes through for us. We need it. We need something. But to be quite honest, ANY change is better than what we have. I believe that John McCain would have had a better chance had the current administration not thrown the country into the crapper. But that's my opinion, so take it or leave it!

Then today, I read a post by Jessica and I think...for as many people who didn't vote for him because he was black...how many people only voted for him because he was black? That's a little scary to me. I had thought that as a society we've come further than that. But I guess we haven't. Maybe I'm just naive, but I've never seen a difference in people. I had thought that other people felt the same way. We've come so far, yet there are still differences. There are still people who feel so strongly that they won't vote for someone of a minority and still people who feel so strongly they will only vote for someone of a minority. I'm ashamed of those people, and honestly I'm ashamed of the way the media is portraying things. It's not about the color of his skin. It's about what he can do to help us. It's about entering a new chapter. People helping people.

Later today Lily and I had a big discussion about just that. She listened while I spoke. My great-grandfather founded The National Conference for Christians and Jews. His name is Dr. Everett Clinchy. He spoke publicly on many occasions, and one man who watched him speak told my brother and I that it was "like watching God speak from the heaven." He wanted equality for all men. He worked to unite people instead of pushing them apart. Here he speaks about brotherhood. This is his prayer.

* One Family %

Our Father, creator and sustainer of all that lives, we
seek thy presence in a world distraught, thy love and healing
in a world of enmity and hatred. Thou hast made of one
blood all the people of mankind to dwell together as a family
upon the face of the earth. We come to thee for strength to
break down the barriers that hold men apart, and to fashion
unity amidst the diversity of creed and race and nation.
Make us conscious of our common humanity.

May those who are strong withhold no opportunity
from the weak; those who are powerful keep none in sub-
jection. Make us quick to recognize the talents of those of
races other than our own and to give to all the honor that is
their due. Forbid that we should belie the faith we proclaim,
that all men are equal, by denying to those of other religious
convictions and racial ties the rights which we claim for our-
selves. Crown all our good with brotherhood. To thee be the
honor and the glory.

And now may the search for that which is true, the love
of that which is beautiful, the enjoyment of that which is just
and good possess our hearts and minds as they have en-
nobled and enriched the lives of the great of every age.
Amen.

EVERETT Ross CLINCHY

I'm not just naive, I was born this way.

Twist of fate

Derick told me stories of his grandmother. Stories that I've never heard, and I was sad because I never knew her. I was sad for him, and for Lily. Nora was her name. If Dylan was a girl that's what his name would have been and when it came time to name Lily we couldn't bear to give her that name. It just seemed to go with him. Anyway, she was the type of woman that cuddled with him. She held him when he was scared, and did a lot with him. She was his security in a world of uncertain.

His Dad moved to Colorado when Derick was 13 or so. He took his mother with him, and Derick never saw them again. He also has 3 brothers and a sister that he hasn't seen since.

Thursday night he was telling me about her and he asked if I thought she died. I didn't know what to say, so I pulled out the computer and we looked at legacy.com. She passed September 27th, 2007 at the age of 93. There was a 'contact me' link, and I clicked. It went to his father's sister's email. So I wrote. I explained that I was his wife, we were sorry to hear of the passing of his mother, and that Derick would love to speak to him. We have a little girl now, I told them, and it would mean a lot to us for her to know them. I gave him our phone number and Derick's email address and we waited.

The phone rang about 9pm tonight. I answered and it was his Dad. I quickly passed the phone to Derick, and I could see in his eyes. From what we understand his dad fought for custody of him for quite some time. Not that I'm defending him at all, but he obviously wanted something to do with Derick. In fact when Derick was a baby the court ordered him full custody and he had Derick until he was almost 3 before his mom got him back. It was strange...and we don't know the whole story. His mom had a bunch of issues at the time too (I know, redneck family that I married into...).

Anyway, I don't know how to describe the look on Derick's face. They talked for some time. Derick told him all about Dylan and Riley. He told him about Lily and how beautiful she is. He told him about his job and about me and where we lived. He talked about his mom and his grandmother that passed away.

His dad told him some things too. Mainly...he has Leukemia. He's about to undergo his 4th round of Chemo. He was grateful that we emailed him. Grateful to hear Derick's voice, and thrilled to know he has a granddaughter.

All the feelings that Derick had for him melted away. He's dying, and Derick decided that we need to go visit him. So we're off to Colorado in December. Sounds fun, right? Except it's going to be cold and we'll have a 4 month old. It's outside of Denver I guess. I have no idea what there is to do there, but regardless Derick will be able to work through some of these feelings. I hope so, at least.

So it seems that through a strange twist of fate and his grandmother's final gift, Derick will have a chance to know his father in a way that he hasn't before. I just pray that he doesn't get hurt in the meantime.

I forgot!

I forgot Dylan's due date. I can't believe I forgot. It was October 18th, and I'm 10 days late. I know it's not that important, but it was important to me. No one else remembered, not even Derick.

Ah, well...it happens, I guess. I know that I don't love him any less because I forgot. I still think about him everyday. I'm just disappointed because I wanted to get to the cemetery.

Anyway...I needed to ask a few questions of you out there...

First, I want to start a blog or something for girls with an incompetent cervix. I've come across what seems like a lot of bloggers with IC lately. Maybe just a list of blogs that people can reference. I'm not sure, I haven't figured it out yet. But if there was one place that people could go specifically for info about their babies, cerclages, grief, or whatever...just one more place to comiserate with others. So if you suffer from IC, please leave a comment if you'd be interested. If you normally lurk, leave me a comment and I'll add you too...

Second, you all left me such beautiful comments when Lily was born. I am doing her scrapbook and was wondering if I could use your comments. I want to show her how kind you all are. How she was loved before she was even born, and how special she is. I'm sure she won't realize it until she's a mother, but I can hope. Anyway, I was wondering if that was ok with you. Let me know, and if for some reason it wasn't I won't add it to her book.

Third, my MIL acknowledged the other night how I was treated by Derick's aunt and ex-stepfather. She made a point to tell me that if she ever thought I wasn't taking care of Lily she wouldn't hesitate to say something. She then went on to say that she had nothing to say about the subject other than the fact that Lily is thriving and that proves our level of care. I'm pretty sure she'll say something to them. She isn't one to keep her mouth shut especially at the expense of us.

So nothing new to report here. Lily is sleeping through the night but has stopped taking naps during the day. Or, if she takes a nap it isn't until 7pm and then she doesn't go to sleep until 1 or 2 AM. Tonight, though, I woke her up and she went to bed at 11. Hopefully she sleeps good tonight. I go back to work in 2 weeks so we better get situated now!

Moments

Each day we have moments in our lives that profoundly change who we are and what we believe. These moments, although not tangible to others all the time, make up who we are, who we love, what we think, and how we live our lives.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day.

There are moments with my pregnany with Dylan that are special to me. They encompass his life. They are who they are. The day I found out I was pregnant, for instance. That profoundly changed my life. He loved to eat baked potatoes. In fact, once Derick caught me up at 3am making a plate full of baked potatoes loaded with sour cream and butter. The moment that we heard his heartbeat for the first time. We were speechless. The moment that we learned he was gone...forever in our hearts. And the moment that we laid him to rest among the trees and the birds. There have been so many moments since then. When I was pregnant with Riley I was obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. It was the fall, afterall. He loved Toaster Strudel. I ate boxes of them a week. His heartbeat was music to our ears. We walked together, Riley and I. Before the cerclage was placed. We talked about his life...the dreams I had for him. I remember the moment that we had to make the decision, the final ultrasound confirming what we had already known. Holding him in my arms, and laying him at rest with his brother. The memorial service and the people that we invited and those that we didn't invite.

Those are the moments that made up their lives and that shaped mine.

Tell me about your moments.


October 15th is a day filled with pride for me. Pride for the babies gone to soon, and pride for their parents to carry on. I've remembered each and every one of your babies today, and so many more.

Colic

Our sweet little girl has turned into a monster!

Ok, not a monster...but you get the idea...

She's been crying since her due date. Inconsolable, painful sounding, bone-chilling cries. I called the doctor last week and they changed her Zantac to Prevacid hoping that would do the trick. The Prevacid is much stronger, but if we didn't notice a change by Sunday to call and be seen today. After a particularly painful, exasperating morning, I called and she was seen this afternoon.

She weighs 9lbs 10oz! They changed her formula to a hyperallergenic kind. It's nearly $26 a can, but we've seen drastic improvements from the samples that they gave us today. She's taken 2 feedings so far tonight and hasn't spit up one bit. I asked about herbal things to help, and he said that he can't recommend anything because there isn't enough evidence but that it can't hurt. So we bought some Colic Ease Gripe Water and she sucked it down happily. Not sure how it worked, but she fell asleep soon after. So maybe it's doing something...

The Ped stressed the importance of having help with a colic baby. He explained that he had two mother's throw their babies through a closed window when they couldn't take it anymore. It broke his heart, he said, and my mom started crying. I can't even imagine. He said that's what happens when 18, 19, or 20 year old women have baby's that they can't care for and have no support. I have to say that it's not the crying that gets to me, it's the fact that there is nothing that I can do about it and she's obviously in pain. So why in the hell would you take the crying out on a child? It's not like they can do anything about it...they are crying because they're in pain! Ugh, makes me sick...

(Speaking of teenage mothers that don't care about their children) Guess what I'm doing next weekend? Taking Lily and N to the pumpkin patch. Yes, you read correctly...I'm taking N. It's a huge step for me, and I'm terrified that people will assume he's our child. It's very hard for me when people assume that he's mine. I guess because for so long I wanted him to be mine. He's my shadowchild, and I loved him like he was mine. Derick is leery, but the poor kid doesn't go anywhere. It's the least we can do, right? Let him pick out a pumpkin and then help him carve it...he deserves that and so much more. I love him, I do, but it hurts so much still...

Quote

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

A moment in time

I pulled to the side of the road, and parked. I was alone. Lily and Derick are home while I snuck away to the grocery store.

I found myself in front of the rose garden. It's pouring, so I stay in the car. Lisa's boys are here. The twins, their ashes are spread here. Take care of your mom, I say. She loves you, and she needs you to take extra special care of the little one growing inside of her. A car passes quickly. It takes everything that I can to not get out of the car. I don't have an umbrella. I start to cry, I miss my boys.

Dylan and Riley, I miss you. You would be so proud of your little sister but I'm sure you know her better than me already. She's 8lbs now and growing like you wouldn't believe. Please continue to watch over her. She needs you. I need you. I love you, I always will.

I drive away, slowly. Crying. Days like today make the grief come back and stronger than ever. It was hard to get out of bed today.

She's home

We were completely discharged at 6pm.

We went through the monitor training. It's pretty easy, really...but a bit overwhelming. Especially for other people. But we'll get through.

Already Lily is off of her schedule. She was supposed to eat at 8 but played with her bottle because she was mostly asleep. So she ate at 10. We just put her down and she's lying there awake, but amazed by her crib aquarium.

Her monitor just went off. Derick was right there, and I ran it. She stopped breathing, but fixed herself. Whew! I'm a wreck...

I'm afraid to leave her in there by herself. It's not like anything could happen, but I'm afraid. I just want to hold her for the rest of my life. She has the hospital monitor and a sound monitor, but I still can't help myself. It almost brings me to the point of an anxiety attack and I have to take several deep breaths to control myself! Stupid, I know...

So anyway, she's home and happy! I'll post some pictures tomorrow when I get a chance. My mom is coming over in the morning and Lilo went to my aunts. She was doing alright, but really curious and it made a stressful situation more stressful. So she was happy to go in the car for a while. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my PPD. I haven't seen a difference in the meds yet, but hopefully soon. Or at least having her home will help the situation.

Last post in a baby-free home

Tomorrow is the day. We waited all afternoon to see the doctor, and when he was about to leave for his haircut the nurse interupted quickly to ask why exactly Lily was still there. Have you had monitor training? Of course not! No one told us to take monitor training. That's why she's still here. Get the training tomorrow afternoon and she can come home tomorrow night.

If we hadn't asked, how the hell long would she have been there?!

So tonight is the last night alone, by ourselves, and with little confusion and lots of stress...

If you had asked me one year ago today if I would ever have a living child, I would have bet you a million dollars that I wouldn't. If you had asked 2 months ago if we'd have a baby in the NICU, I would have bet money on that too. But for whatever reason we've been given this incredible opportunity to have a beautiful little girl and for that I can't be thankful enough.

Yet there is still this pain in my heart...a missing link in our family...and deffinately empty space in our pictures. Other people can't see it, but for us it's there and it's impossible to ignore. Not a day passes that I don't think of all my children. Understandably, when I see little boys in the NICU my heart skips a little bit. Elija, today for example, stared at me for an hour at least. His eyes were wide open, and I wondered if he knew. Maybe he could see something that I couldn't see. Or maybe he wondered why his parents didn't come and visit...a topic that seriously distresses me. The pain is absolutely magnified by those who don't visit their children, or those who can't care for them and it's visible. Last week they actually had to call CPS because someone didn't pick up their child. Such incredibly beautiful, strong children...how could someone NOT pick them up?!

So tonight, on the eve of picking up my daughter and finally bringing her home, I can't help but think about my boys and your children. The one's that should be here, but aren't. I miss them...all of them. Your's and mine. But my heart and my home are finally filled with a smile that I can't resist. A joy and a strange sadness at the same time. But those are feelings that I hope you all can feel someday. Fill your homes with love and have a lot of patience. Good things happen when we are a little patient. Coming from me, the most impatient person on Earth, that is saying a lot!

Lots of love to you all and I can't thank you enough for your strength, prayers, and love. Lily has no idea how many people in this world love her already.

Spoke to soon

I called this morning to check on Lily. They took her feeding tube out, and she's doing wonderfully. Except she had an 3 apnea episodes last night. All right after her eating, and all due to reflux. When there is an apnea episode, they need another 5 days before they can go home. So now we're looking at Wednesday.

As much as I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up, I did. And I'm devestated.

I don't want her to have a problem at home. It scares me to think that she might, but I also want her home and it's selfish of me...but that's how I feel. I keep trying to rationalize things in my mind. Derick knows infant CPR, we have a SIDS monitor, and they could send her home with a heart monitor.

So I called the nurse back, posed my questions and she said that Lily's apnea isn't severe. It's not like other babies and she would be better off waiting a few days than even going on a heart monitor. They started adding cereal to her milk to thicken it a little and she seems to be doing well there. When I fed her tonight, they started her on a new nipple and it was coming way to fast. She kept choking and actually stopped breathing and turned blue on me. I was terrified and I wanted to hand her over and never touch her again. I thought I killed her. But I patted her back, and rubbed her chest and she started again. It was enough to completely convince me that she needed some more time. Life does that sometimes. So we switched her nipple and tomorrow I'm going to bring in our bottles with a preemie nipple and see how she does with those. Hopefully that will help with the flow. We just can't get it right...

I was almost going to give up on pumping and breast feeding, but I talked to the PA tonight and she told me to give it some more time. So we tried a little, and Lily didn't really know what to do. It takes time, they tell me. So we're going to give it more time. I'm nervous though that she chokes more on the breast milk than the formula. It almost makes me want to switch to all formula just for that reason. But then I feel like I'm letting both of us down and I'm just not ready to give up yet.

So that's where we are now. Sorry to get your hopes up! Stay tuned...

Almost home

We got the news today.


As we were about to leave the house for my mom's, my phone rang but I missed it. It was the hospital. My heart sank, and I dialed the voicemail to listen to the message. As it was ringing, Derick's phone rang...the hospital. He handed me the phone quickly, and I was starting to get upset.

Hello, Mrs. G? This is so and so from the hospital. I'm the discharge nurse.

Discharge nurse?!

I was calling to go over some things. Are you comfortable with a home nurse coming to check her weight and growth? Also, have they given you a date for her to come home? I'm calling because I hear it's going to be this weekend.

The discharge nurse SAYS this weekend?!

We'll go over everything before you leave, but be sure to bring her carseat tomorrow for her carseat check. I'll have some handouts regarding the nurse at her bedside waiting for you when you get there tonight.

Carseat?! Home?!

We don't have an absolute date and Derick begged me not to get my hopes up. So for now, I'm hoping that she'll be home by next Wednesday. We'll be pleasantly suprised if it's before that.

Is she going to die too?

Becky can give her the bottle tonight, Derick says. He thrusts her into my arms. The nurse warms her bottle. I snuggle with her for a moment, and the bottle is done.

She's trying to suck on her shoulder's. She's hungry and lets out a wail louder than I've ever heard from her. I take the bottle, she opens her mouth and begins to suck.

Before I know it, the monitor goes off and her heart rate is dropping. I see the numbers drop, but it takes me a moment for it to register. Pat her on the back! You have to watch her, Becky! Derick yells at me. Up they go, up, up, and up. She's ok. For now.

She does this because she drinks to fast and doesn't take time to swallow. All baby's do it, they say, It's just that they aren't hooked up to monitors to see it.

I start to sob silently by her bedside.

What is wrong with me that I can't react fast enough when my baby chokes? What if she dies when she gets home because of me? What if I kill her?

I'm scared to feed her. Scared to hold her. Terrified of bringing her home.

Please God, don't let her die too.

~*~*~*~*~*~

She seems to have these 'episodes' more with breast milk than formula. She's getting about half and half through the day, each fortified with extra calories. Does she like the formula better? Is it because the breast milk is thinner and comes out of the nipple faster? I don't know where to find the answers. I want desperately to nurse her, but it's not as easy as you would think considering there isn't anyone to teach you when it's your time. They make it look so easy...the lactation consultant is on vacation this week and Lily will be home soon. What if there is no time to learn?

Just when I think the PPD has subsided a little, it hits me like a truck...

Lily's birth story

I've finally got a few moments to myself and really reflect on her birth. I'm somewhat saddened that I don't remember it the way I would like to. I was in such shock at the moment that I didn't have time to reflect on what was actually happening. It will catch up with me in time, I'm sure, but right now it seems like such a blur.



Sunday August 3rd, I started to feel bad. Uncomfortable. Not myself. I thought I overdid it. Maybe I was constipated. Perhaps it was gas that I just couldn't pass. By the time night fell, I was uncomfortable tossing and turning in my sleep. I could not find a place to settle. By Monday morning, I was tired and restless. I still couldn't find comfort. I went to the bathroom. Not constipated. I took some Gas-X, no gas. Still uncomfortable. I laid around most of the day, but went out to dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. At dinner, I started to feel really bad. I thought it was just pressure on my TAC. The doctors told me to expect that. So I took some Tylenol and hoped that it would help things a little bit.

By the time I got in the car, I was very uncomfortable. With everything going on in my family, I didn't want to worry my dad any especially if it was unwarranted. So my mom and I dropped him off and I told her that I wasn't feeling great. I called the doctor and he told me to come in.

When we got there, they hooked me up to all the monitors. They said I wasn't contracting. The residents did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed. They did an FFN test, and said the results would be back in a few hours. Then they did an vag u/s. The resident was silent. She said that she couldn't find my cervix on the u/s screen. Then she said, "Oh, it measures 2.5cm." So I told her that it was 1cm shorter than what it's been my whole pregnancy. Well, she said, this machine isn't very accurate. It's just pressure, you can go home.

On the way home, the pain started to increase. Derick was waiting for me. I ran inside to use the bathroom and I was bleeding. I passed what I now know was part of my mucous plug. Derick saw me in the bathroom and saw the blood. He started to put his shoes on and said that we were going back.

So we got back in the car...

By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and the pain was so bad that I couldn't stand. They took me right up to labor and delivery and into triage. My mom insisted that the doctor come in and that we didn't want to see a resident. They tried to find her heartbeat but they couldn't get it on the monitor so they brought in an u/s machine. Just like with Dylan. I started to freak out, panick, cry...I thought we lost her too. It was just like with Dylan. Then they found it. She was just moving to quick to catch it! Before we knew it, the doctor had come in and did an internal. He told the nurse that he could feel my cerclage.

They started terbutiline and then magnesium. They took my contractions 8-10 minutes apart with irregular strength. But they never stopped.

I finally sent everyone home aroud 6am. I was still in triage, but there was nothing that they could do and I figured they might as well get some sleep. It was going to be a busy day.

Around 8:30 am they took me to see the Peri. They put me in a wheelchair, and we went over. I got onto the table, they did the u/s and estimated her to weigh 4lbs 7oz and she looked great. She was tollerating everything well. The tech started the vaginal u/s and the doctor was speechless. Even I've never seen anything like it! My cervix was completely gone. It was just the TAC holding everything in. I thought that her foot had slipped through, but it was the amniotic sac coming through. I have no idea why or how it didn't break, but the TAC held it all where it could...like a dam. I asked about NICU because at that moment I knew that she was going to be born and the Peri said that they had one bed available. I asked him if he could put our name on it and he said, "Consider it done!" My mom walked into the room the moment he told the nurses to book the OR. I sat up, trying to get back in the wheelchair, and he wouldn't let me off the bed. So they wheeled me back to L&D.

I called Derick on the way and I told him he needed to get here now. He asked if he could take a shower, and the nurses said, "There is no time for a shower!" But he met us as soon as the doctor did. He got all ready in his scrubs, the OR was ready, and they wheeled us off.

The anistesiologist started the Epi and Derick came in shortly after that. They started cutting at 10:55 am and Lily was born at 11:03am. It was amazing. She didn't cry at first, but she peed on the doctor. What a suprise for a child of mine! They whisked her away and Derick followed taking pictures. Before they left for NICU they brought her to me for a kiss, and she was gone. She was perfect.

The doctor told me that when they took Lily out they heard a snap or a pop. She said that it was probably her clavical that maybe broke or fractured. By the time we got to NICU to see her, they had already done x-rays but didn't find anything.

I asked for a breast pump right away because I wanted to start immediately. The nurses weren't very accomodating for NICU mom's that wanted to bf. I was suprised, and somewhat dissapointed. They just came and dropped everything off with no instruction or anything. Finally I got a nurse that was helpful and helped with the horrible soreness. By the time she got to me the next day, I had blisters and was bleeding. It was terrible. Thank God that is over now!

The next day we headed to NICU. My brother and sister in law were with us when the nurse noticed Lily's arm. She was diagnosed with something called Erb's Palsey. She has no feeling from her shoulder to her elbow and cannot move her shoulder. She can move her elbow, wrist, and fingers on that hand but it's just not as strong. There is a chance she can grow out of it because nerve's regenerate themselves, but she could require surgery. We've since found a specialist at Shriners Children's Hospital in Philadelphia and will be taking her there regardless. We won't know much until she starts to develop a little and use it. Derick still has a little bit of denial surrounding it and I've been researching like crazy. It's typical during a vaginal birth and shoulder distocia, but not with a c-section and a tiny baby.

I'm suffering a bit from PPD. The circumstances are just not what I thought they would be. My head knows that the situations are different, but my heart still says that we left the hospital without a baby AGAIN. So I'm having a really hard time with that. The doctor gave me something to help, and he set an appointment for the end of the month to go over everything. I told him about the Erb's. He wasn't the doctor that delivered, but he is my doctor and I trust him. His mouth fell open, and he kind of stuttered "But she was tiny...and a c-section..."

Hopefully we'll have more answers then...

So that's Lily's birth story. It's not perfect, but she is. If anyone knows anything about Erb's, I'd love to hear what you think. I also want to say that my TAC did not fail. So if anyone is facing that, that is not what happened. According to the doctors now, it was straight PTL. I was just unlucky.

Emotionally drained

Some week...

My aunt lost her battle with cancer early Monday morning. She passed away at home, and from what I know, in her sleep. She had fierce determination, and even showed it as she was slipping away. We're hanging in there...but it's hard.

Lily is doing very well. She amazes me every single time that I see her. Today she is a week old. I'm exahusted going back and forth to the NICU. We see her in the morning, and then I come back at night to check her weight, give her a bath, hold her while she's eating, and kiss her goodnight. If I can I try to stop by in the afternoon. Yesterday she started sucking on a pacifier, and by the time we got there this morning she was sucking from a bottle. Not a lot, but it's incredible progress. The suck reflex isn't something that typically appears closer to 34 weeks. She might be home sooner than later. Dare I say, the next 2 weeks or so?!

It's been such a strange, emotional week. The Circle of Life. It's how things work, right? My family tries to comfort me by telling me that. I would much rather see Lily in my aunts arms. Lily has the same fire that she displayed. She has that same fierce determination. She's a fighter. Just like my aunt.

I'm thinking now of my aunt's wedding day. I have little recollection. But what I do remember is standing in the driveway, all dressed, looking at the horse-drawn carriage. The decorations were exquisite, the dress was extraordinary, and my aunt was beautiful. I remember when she brought her first born daughter home from the hospital. I watched carefully over the changing table as she changed her diapers. We baked cookies together. Every year, dozens and dozens of cookies. She taught me how to sew. Together we made a blanket for my grandmother when she was dying of cancer. My grandfather gave it back to me after she passed, but it kept her warm when she was undergoing treatment. She was overjoyed when I was pregnant with Dylan, but sadly she backed away after we lost him. She didn't call and I became angry and hurt. I have no doubt that she's found them, and she's holding them in her arms as we speak. I miss her already, but I'm still in shock. The last week has been full of ups and downs, and I'm just...done.

Lily has arrived

Introducing...

Lily Rylan born screaming August 5, 2008. 4lbs 5oz and 17 1/2in long.



It was a stressful week. I'll post her birth story when I can, but she's healthy and happy. She's in NICU and will be there for probably 4 weeks, but she's healthy and alive and that's all that matters. We were finally able to hold her for the first time yesterday, and it was horrible leaving the hospital without her. I can't help but think of the last time we left the hospital empty handed, but it's not the same and I have to remind myself when I have moments of panic. The nurses are so good to her and we can call or visit 24hrs a day.

She's been under lights for jaundice for the past 2 days, but hopefully today she'll be off. Yesterday she was off her CPAP machine and is completely breathing on her own. I've never been so proud. I just want to tell every person that I see. My baby is breathing on her own.

It's going to be a long 4 weeks, but so worth the wait.

Thank you all for your support and your love. I could not have done it without you. And in case you are wondering, my aunt is still holding on. I'm not sure what she's waiting for, but she was able to see a picture of Lily and according to my mother, she smiled for the first time in weeks. Everyone said goodbye to her yesterday, and I'm not sure how her night went but I haven't heard anything yet. It's almost as though Lily had to come early to save the rest of the family from so much heartache.

Little updates

First, thank you all incredibly for your kind words. It really means a lot to me that you are thinking of us so much. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you all so much.

Lily and I started our NST's on Monday. Everything went really well but she was asleep and it took longer than they thought for her to accell like they wanted. The nurse put this vibrating thing on my belly and it woke her up. Actually I think it pissed her off...but whatever. Her heartrate started to go up the way it was supposed to and that's all that mattered. If she's afraid of electric razors as a child we'll know why...

At our 29w appointment with the Peri, she weighed 3lbs 2oz and is growing right according to the charts. She's still breech, and her face is towards my back. My blood pressure is still ok for now, but we're still keeping an eye on things. No protein or anything. We scheduled the amnio for September 4th to check for lung maturity. IF the preliminary results come back good that day, and the final results will be in the following day...she could POTENTIALLY be born on September 5th. So in my head, that's how it works. As far as things will go when we actually get there...who the hell knows! I'm holding on for the 8th or the 9th at the latest. I'm afraid of her being born on the 11th so we're just not going to go there. But we're getting there...slowly but surely.

On Monday my aunt went to the doctor and they told her that her liver is failing. The doctor said that she had 'weeks' to go, but I'm not sure it's going to be weeks. My Bro and SIL went today to see her and she was so out of it that she didn't really know who they were. Derick and I are going tomorrow. She asked Heather if her husband was still there...it killed my brother. And when he kissed her cheek and told her that he loved her, she stared into space as if she didn't comprehend what love was. My uncle says that it's the result of the medicine, but she wasn't nearly like that last week. She's still on the same pain meds and the anxiety meds haven't changed...but I guess they gave her stuff for hiccups. If that can make her not recognize people, then maybe. But I don't think that alone would make her forget who my brother is. Any thoughts?

Anyway, Derick and I are headed to my other aunts house tomorrow for a few nights. She's on vacation and we'd be closer if we are needed. I think we'll be there until Saturday and then head back there again sometime next week. The good news is that we'll have cable and internet access since we don't have it at home. If you've emailed me and I haven't gotten back to you, I appologize. But I read everything.

Thank you again. I couldn't imagine facing all of this on my own.

Conversations

"How is your day today?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.
"Ok. The nurse came today, did Mom tell you?" she asked.
"Yup, Mom said. What did you think?"
She shrugged her shoulders and patted the bed next to her. I sat.

"Is the baby moving a lot?"
"Yup most of the time."
"Is she moving now?" she asked as she reached for my belly. "No," I said, "But maybe with the right touch she will." No movement, but she rubbed and rubbed. "Tell me her name again." she said. "Lily Rylan." I replied. "Rylan...that's a pretty name. Where did you come up with that?" she said. "Our boys. Dylan and Riley. We put their names together to get her middle name. We figured that we wouldn't have made it this far without them." I answered and there was a short pause. "When I get there, I'll give them a kiss for you."

A moment passes.

"Do you think it hurts to die?"
"I know it doesn't hurt to die. There is no way something so peaceful could be painful."

Silence...

"Who's going to take care of the kids?"
"We will." I said. "I promise they will be taken care of."
"Sometimes you might get frustrated with Lily," she said, "but try not to scream and yell to much. Think about it before...ask yourself if it's worth the argument. What about Kevin? He's going to alienate himself."
"We won't let him. I promise that we'll help him do whatever it is that he needs."

Silence again...

"I'm afraid it's going to hurt to die."
"Nope. I'm sure it doesn't hurt to die." I said quietly. I couldn't tell her that the cancer is going to be painful. They will make her comfortable, that I know. But there is absolutely no way that the act of dying is painful.
"Just think" I said, "if the girls are dating someone that you don't like you can always show up at the foot of their bed. Just don't show up at the foot of mine!" She laughed a good laugh. I haven't heard that from her in a long time. "Yeah for the first time in my life I'll have complete control of them!"


"I'm getting tired." she said finally.

Mom and I got into the car and cried all the way home. It's going to be soon. She's doing and saying what she needs to do. According to the nurse, we'll each probably get one more good visit before things change drastically. I need to remember her laughter. I need to know that she'll take care of Dylan and Riley there and we'll take care of her children here. We're both mothers, afraid to leave our children. But with shitty circumstances...

Rapidly changing

"Will you give Lily a kiss for me?" my dear aunt asked my mother.
"Of course." she replied, "I'll kiss her everyday for the rest of my life for you."

Things are chaning very quickly with my aunt. If you recall, she was diagnosed in March of 2007 with stage 4 colon cancer. It has since spread to most of her organs including her liver. My mother is trying to prepare us. I hoped (wishful thinking maybe) that she would be here to meet Lily. But that does not look like the case.

My mother and SIL threw us a baby shower on Sunday. It was beautiful, and very peaceful. Although I had mixed feelings about it, but that's for another post. Anyway, my grandmother pulled up and my aunt got out of the car. I held back the tears, as I held her and she cried in my arms. She was so frail, but so happy to be there. We helped her to her seat, gave her some lemonade, and she asked if I could open her presents first. She was upset because she intended to make something for Lily, but could not finish it. So instead her daughters went out and bought her some pretty dresses and lots of books. It was perfect. She left about 30 minutes later, and we found out yesterday that she was so exahusted after she left that she fainted when she walked through the door. She's ok, thankfully, but it was to much for her.

My mom urged me yesterday to see her. She said that if there is anything that I need to do or to say to tell her. I'm sad that she won't be here to see Lily, but I'm incredibly happy that she'll be starting a new journey and will be able to hug and kiss Dylan and Riley and send Lily on her way when it's time. So what do you say to someone who is dying? I want to ask her to hold the boys and tell them that we love them deeply. But they know that. You might wonder how I know that they'll be together. If you remember that weird dream I had about my grandmother a few months ago, I have no doubts anymore. I know there is *somewhere* that we go, but we never return. I want to tell her what my grandmother said in the dream. That dying isn't painful and that she will go to sleep in wake up in a miraculous place. I want to tell her these things, but how? What do I say? How do I say it? She's been asking my mom about if she thought dying was painful, and I want her to know that it's not. It can't be. If it was then I'd have to admit that it was painful for the boys, and I'm willing to bet it was much more painful for me than it was for them.

There is also a large part of me that wants to protect my grandparents from the reality that their daughter is going to die. I don't want any person to feel the pain that I feel, and although I don't particularly like them sometimes...I do love them and I don't want them in that much pain. I've experienced a miniscule amount of what they are going to go through and it nearly killed me. I'm not 80, and my boys were not in their 50's with children. I want to protect them from that pain. On an upside, my grandmother spoke with a nurse yesterday at the oncologist's office who told her flat out that there is nothing more that my grandmother can do for her. She was feeling helpless (we know that feeling) and she was feeling like she should be able to protect her daughter and take care of her by holding onto her, feeding her, and trying to mother her back to normal. Feelings that we are all to familiar with. It's just that with cancer, unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done at this point. It's to far. So hearing from the nurse that it was ok for her to let go was incredibly healing for her. Speaking with my mom, I explained how not knowing that can kill a person. If someone had told me, looked me in the eyes, and really told me that there was nothing I could have done to save Riley and Dylan I know without a doubt that it would have made things easier. I would have been able to let go, put and end to the sentence, and move on from there. While it was hard to hear, it opened her up to cry and come to peace with some things.

Today they are meeting a home health nurse to care for her. It's a relief from everyone because my grandparents don't have to make the 40-min drive each day on a perfect schedule, and my mother gets a break. My uncle can work a little from home, and her children aren't tied down. It also gives her someone to talk to when we can't answer the hard questions.

Please, if you have some to spare, keep us in your thoughts or prayers. My computer is down at home so I'm here at my mom's waiting for her to come and get me to go over. I'll try to post as often as I can, but unfortunately the situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The next few weeks are going to bring unfortunate changes in our family, but thankfully we have a lot to look forward to come September...our saving grace.

Pregnant after a loss...part 1

I've been writing this post in my head for weeks. I will save it as a draft and undoubtedly go back again and again to make sure that it's right before posting it. It's a topic that is dear to me, and that I hope many of you can benefit from. At the very least, you'll know that you are not alone on this ride. While I'm at it, I would like to recommend this book To Full Term. It's a book, I believe, that anyone who is thinking of becoming pregnant or is pregnant should read. It's a memoir of a mother with four losses. One at 8 weeks, 13 weeks, and then twins at 20 weeks. She suffers from an incompetent cervix and factor V. Throughout the book she flashes back to the delivery of her twins. It felt as though she was writing the book for me. As though she was in the delivery room with me...holding my hand, whispering in my ear. Truly amazing.Anyway, I really hope that this benefits you all...some. I feel like after all we've been through, the least I can do is let others know that they will make it. Life seems to come to a stop, and trying to get it moving again is hard, to say the least. It takes time, patience, love, and grieving to get things back up and running. "They" say that it takes the average couple 4 years to come to terms with a pregnancy loss. It takes a lifetime to get over it. I can say, being 2 years out from loosing Dylan, that the pain has lessened. It's still there for sure, but it doesn't cripple me anymore. Certain things still hurt, and I don't think that will ever change.

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Deciding on whether to TTC again is the hardest part. For us, we knew that we couldn't not try again. Our lives would not be complete without another child. For others, though, I know that the decision is not that cut and dry. It's a difficult decision that both you and your partner need to discuss even if it's painful to hear the answer. It's especially difficult if there is a chance that it's more likely to happen again, as with IC. It's also more difficult if you had certain health problems that would inhibit your health during another pregnancy. When Dylan was born, it was traumatic for me for obvious reasons, but Derick had an especially hard time because I couldn't pass the placenta and as a result my blood pressure dropped so low they had to give me medications and blood transfusions. It was terrifying for him. He thought he was going to loose his son and his wife all in the same day. Sometimes it's easy to overlook those feelings because we often don't think of our partners as much as we should. Grief is selfish.

If you decide to take the leap, the only way to get through it is to close your eyes, say a prayer, and jump. There is no other way around it. It's going to be scary. Terrifying, really. But once you are there, I can promise you that it isn't as bad as you think. We were lucky in that both with Riley and with Lily we got pregnant on practice cycles. I know, I know, we are probably the only people in the world that have practice cycles.

Often times, though, it isn't that easy. I wish that I knew how to address those concerns, but I don't. I only know that it's a cruel, cruel world when you've worked so hard to bring this little person into the world, you loose them, and then it takes longer than expected to bring another little person here. It's just not fair. There are no other words.

Many people ask how they know if they are ready. I have a few opinions, and maybe you don't agree...but this is my blog! First, make sure that you are able to say the name of the child that you lost out loud. DYLAN MICHAEL GIBSON and RILEY JAMES GIBSON. It's one thing to say it in your head, it's another to read and write it on paper, but if you can't say their name out loud you need more time. That is obviously different for every person. Some people will be able to do that immediately and some will take longer. Second, make sure that you can both handle TTC again because it could take longer than expected. I've seen so many women in so much pain because TTC is taking longer than it did the first time or with their angel. On the other hand, you may have tried for months to have your angel and the next time get pregnant on the first shot...which was our case which made it bittersweet when we expected it to take months. And third, be sure that you are emotionally ready to handle another loss. This one is big for me because I was not ready to try again so soon after loosing Dylan. It had only been 4 months and my life was not back to any scope of normal. Derick didn't want to try again, but was afraid to tell me because I was so deeply depressed. My life stopped when we lost Dylan, and it never started up again. So when we lost Riley it was as if the galaxy collided and we were standing in the center. It was catastrophic. Unfathomable.

The bottom line is that I know the desperation to become pregnant again. I've been there, twice. That primal urge to have life inside of you again is indescribable. Sometimes, though, it's best to wait out

My doctor also told us that he suggested we 'look into alternatives.' Meaning, he didn't think we would be able to have a child biologically. It took months of soul searching to come to the conclusion that we were ok with adopting. I understand it's not the answer for everyone, but for us we went from being completely against it and waking up the next morning searching the web for adoption agencies nearby. It was literally overnight. I still can't imagine my life without adopting a child, even if Lily get's here safe and sound.

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I have another post in mind for when you do take the leap...surviving the first trimester. I'll get to that one soon, but if you'd like to add anything to this please feel free. I felt the need to write it as I see to many women unsure about things after loosing a child. Maybe it will give you some direction, or at the very least, make you feel less alone.

Acceptance

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, and if you guys are tired of hearing about it I completely understand. I just need to work this out in my head, and on paper or whatever. It helps that way...

My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.

We left the doctor's office on March 1, 2006. Blissful. We had just heard the most precious sound in the world. The sound of Dylan's beating heart. I clutched the picture close to me, afraid that I would wrinkle it or it would get lost. We stared at it as we walked to the car. I cried, Derick cried...he was speechless. The picture showed that of a tiny baby, the love of our lives. They said he was the size of the tip of Derick's pinky finger. Unbelievable that we could love someone so much. Derick started up the car, and the song played on the radio. It was Dylan's song. I cried, listening to the song, staring at the picture for hours...dreaming. Our lives were perfect.

Then something went terribly wrong. Not long after we listened to the same song, in the same car, only this time we were on our way home from his funeral. It was Dylan's song. Our song. Breathless...speechless...hopeless...we carried on with our lives the only way we knew how.

Fast forward- December 13, 2006

We left the hospital, terrified. We were going to loose that baby too. The cerclage wasn't scheduled, no one was doing anything. Why weren't they doing anything?! Why weren't they trying to save our son?

The water broke, terror sets in, again. We rush to the hospital, they tell me that maybe the sack will repair itself. They pushed me off until the following day. The emotional impact of him being born on Christmas day would be unbearable for the rest of my life. December will never be the same.

Fast forward again- July 1, 2008

I'm sitting here thinking. Thinking about what could have/should have been done. And I realize now, there was NOTHING that could have been done. Nothing. Nothing.

Riley was going to die, and there was nothing that anyone could do. Not me, not my doctors...not even God.

From a medical standpoint, at 14 weeks with a cervix that short and contractions there was nothing that could have been done to save his life. It was just to early. If I had been closer to 20 weeks, he may have had a shot. It would have been a long and hard fight, but it would have been an opportunity at life. Not at 14 weeks. Not even a cerclage could hold him in there for 10 weeks. Should they have given him a chance? Absolutely. But I understand their hesitance to do drastic measures. They knew...I just didn't know...that there was nothing that could have been done. To them, it was just another 'miscarriage' and to me it was my life. My son. It was my hopes and dreams, my future, and my saving grace.

I accept that, now. It wasn't until I was given the incredible chance to love Lily that I was able to achieve acceptance. Two years it took and so many tears that I can no longer cry over trivial things. A year ago I didn't think I would be here...7 months ago, I didn't think I would be here. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life griefstricken, but in reality...I'm not. I'm incredibly grateful to have my boys in my life. They taught me some of life's greatest lessons and for that I am a better human being. But I'm also incredibly grateful to be able to pass those lessons onto Lily. I have the opportunity to make her a great human being, to teach her profound lessons of life, and to love her unconditionally until the day that I join her brothers. For that opportunity, I have no words.

So you see...acceptance is a part of the process. I didn't want to accept things, and I fought it for a very long time. Now that I'm here, it doesn't mean that I love Dylan and Riley any less or that I love Lily any more. It's just that I'm here, and I can't go back. I smile because I'm happy, not so that other's think I'm ok. I laugh because I mean it, not because if I didn't other people would know something is wrong. And I cry for my sons, not because of grief, but because of everything else. Because of the hole's in my heart where they should be and the deffinate absence of them in our pictures and in our home. Because I loved them so much that I had to let them go.

Not as bad as we thought

So first, the good news....NO MORE INCOMPETENT CERVIX!!! We graduated!!!! Yay! I was giddy with excitement when he told me that he didn't need to see me anymore for cervix checks. It's been steady, and today was actually the longest it has been at 3.6cm. I had a spring in my step when I got out of the car and ran up the steps to tell Derick the good news. I haven't ran in a while : )

They did a level 1 today and she weighs 1lb 14oz and she's measuring right on track at 25w6d. She's smack dab in the middle of the growth spectrum, which was great. He said that the fluid level is wonderful, and the blood flow is "almost supernatural"...those were his exact words! So he was really thrilled with that. It's one concern with high bp and pre-e.

They took my bp and it was 140/78. We discussed a lot about it and he explained that with typical pre-e or PIH, your bp can change drastically. It will go from very high or high, to normal or even low within minutes. So now we understand why they were so concerned. No one explained that to us. He also said that he's not sure he recommends meds because it just helps a symptom but not the problem. The problem is still pre-e, not high bp. So I would really rather not take them unless it's a do or die situation. I told him that my mother had it, and that there were other risk factors that I had. He asked my mom if she had GD and she said that she had it with me. Haha, that was news to me...so there's another risk factor. She had pre-e with my brother and possible GD because he was 10lbs 4oz, and deffinate GD with me. He is anticipating that I'll have both, but that it's nothing to be more concerned about. He said that typically they go hand in hand and I'm certainly not the only person with both. The good news is that the pre-e won't let her get supersize (that's what I call my brother) and the GD won't let her be overly small. We talked about the steroid shots and he's not anticipating them anytime in the near future. Sometime after 30 weeks probably. He then said that if I have GD, the shots can make my blood sugar shoot up so they will do it in a controlled environment and I'll be in overnight.
Otherwise, he recommended 24-hr urine every week and that a home nurse come in everyday and check my bp, dip my urine, and look for swelling or any other signs.

So it was NOT nearly as scary as yesterday. We're deffinately looking at 36 weeks and possibly 34. But not like we thought yesterday...we still have some time!!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank God

Not so great appointment

The MA came in and took my bp and it was 150/100. I brought my little cuff and took it and it was 134/88. I was really upset. The doctor said that he'd rather take my reading, but that he wants to see me twice a week until delivery. I was finishing up my 24-hr urine test so hopefully we'll have the results of that later this week.

But we talked about the status of things. He wants to put me on meds, but I'm worried about the potential risk to the baby. He explained that it's tricky because high bp puts a tremendous strain on the baby, but bp that is to low isn't good either. I'm just nervous about it, I guess. I hate taking anything that could potentially hurt her. Derick asked about when we could schedule the c-section and he was very reluctant to say anything. He said that he knows that if we schedule the c-section it won't mean anything because there is no way that she's going to be born then. According to him today, when we get past 28 weeks every week counts. He also mentioned that he feels badly that we worked so hard to keep her in with the cerclage and that she's going to be coming earlier than expected anyway. So goes life, though. To me, she's much safer outside my body than inside. He told us today, with more certainty, that it's very likely she'll be born before 36 weeks. Last week he said very probable. Today it's likely. I just don't know what to think. Derick is so scared, and he's not talking as much as he should. He said that he wanted to hear from the doctor that everything will be ok with Lily but he was so overwhelmed that he forgot to ask. I'm afraid, but I have an overwhelming feeling that things are going to be ok. Like, she'll be ok...we'll be ok in every way...that she's the miracle that we have been waiting for our entire lives. It just has to be ok...people don't go through this 3 times.

I also asked somewhat jokingly if I was his highest risk patient. He went on to say that since he's affiliated with the hospital he has to take high risk patients, not that he would turn us away anyway. But private OB's have the right to turn people away for being to high risk. He said that there are CERTAIN patients that make him nervous and that he has to stay on top of his game for. Not only for obvious reasons, but he needs to sleep at night knowing that he's giving his patients the best care. So I assumed he was talking about us. We make him nervous, lol. That's why he's being so cautious.

So I go to the Peri tomorrow and he wanted me to explain the situation and that he's seeing me 2 times a week and to request the steroid shots. I guess they have to give them to me, I'm not sure. They will then determine when the best time to give the shots will be, but obviously the sooner the better. It's funny though. I spent so much time researching extreme prematurity that I don't have all the answers to Derick's questions about 'regular' preemie's.

I also spoke with one of my best friends that works in a hospital and also lost twin boys in December. She said that she really thinks they will admit me into the hospital for a while before they deliver. Like it will be a last resort to do the c-section. At least with the TAC in place it's not like I can really go into labor on my own and with the progesterone I'm not even having BH's. So she really has no way to go but to continue baking. Unless there is something wrong of course, then I'd rather a NICU stay.

We're also starting to get nervous about things. I feel like I should buy some preemie clothes and just keep the tags and the receipts so we aren't caught off guard. I don't want to bring this all up to my family because they have so much on their minds and I just don't want to add to the stress. My mom keeps saying that I'm asking for trouble whenever I mention her coming early anyway. She's got so much on her mind between worrying about us, taking my grandfather back and forth to his doctor's appointments, and helping my aunt come to terms with her cancer. Speaking of that, I'm really worried that my aunt isn't going to see Lily before she dies. Then I think I'm selfish because she won't even come close to meeting her own grandchildren. But maybe Lily needs to come early so that my aunt can die in peace. I know that it's something that's on her mind because she always asks my mom....so I don't know...maybe I'm just being me.

Anyway, that's what's going on with us. I'll update when I know more tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get the shots within the next 2 weeks or so because I think it'll make a huge difference. I keep teasing Derick that she'll be born around his birthday (August 19). He told me today that he's ok with sharing his birthday now, lol.

Not complaining

I hope in my last post that I didn't sound like I was complaining. I'm not. I'm grateful for everything that life has brought and taken from us. We've been through hell...but without those times we wouldn't have the good times. Without the horrible things that have happened we wouldn't be able to appreciate the little things that we love.

I had once hoped that someday I would be able to complain about trivial things. Finally, I think I'm able to. At least for the time being, I guess. I have horrible heartburn and sciatica that makes it difficult for me to walk at times. However, the physical pain that we go through is not even close to the emotional pain we've been through. I would take it any day...bring it on!

My mom asked me yesterday why I never complain. She asked if I'm ever scared. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless for the first time in a long time. She said that my dad was wondering, and then she asked if I ever cried...because she hasn't seen me cry. Of course I'm scared, and of course I cry but just like any other mother, I would do anything to protect my children. In the large scope of things, the TAC was nothing. I would do it every week for the rest of my life if it meant saving the life of my daughter. I'm fortunate, I suppose, in that I know I've done everything that I can. If something else happens, it's officially out of my control. There is absolutely nothing more that I can do. I don't complain because I'm truly fortunate to be where I am. To get this far is more than a dream come true.

So maybe my mom thought that I was just being strong. If only she knew that I'm not that strong of a person. I cry like other people cry. It's just silent tears. For if people knew exactly what made me cry they would probably say that I'm weak or strange or God knows what else. Even Derick doesn't know all the time. Maybe even he'd think that there was something wrong with the feelings that I feel. Maybe there IS something wrong with the feelings that I feel...but they are me and I'm sure they are you. You all cry about the same things as I do...the same thoughts and regrets and love and hurt and pain that I feel. Grief is not discriminating.

A mistake?

I've seen so many women lately on an October expecting club that I lurk on that are starting to develop IC or complications surrounding it and cerclages. Their cervix's typically measure between 2.2cm and 2.7cm at about 20 weeks. Their doctors have either placed a cerclage and are on bedrest or just on bedrest. So why then, when my cervix measured 1.9cm at 14 weeks with Riley was I not put on bedrest or told to curtail my activities at all? That's a good 6 weeks before they started to have problems, and almost a whole cm shorter than their cervix's.

I've been thinking lately about requesting my records from the Perinatal Center surrounding Riley. I have always felt that there was something missing in the picture but am unable to put the pieces together. I feel like I might not ever be able to get through the rest of my life without knowing. Yet logically, I know that it won't change things and it certainly won't bring him back to us.

I spoke to Derick about it today over lunch. He thinks it's going to be a mistake. That it will open a can of worms that we will never be able to put a lid on. He also said that the best case scenerio is that we'll see what we've always suspected. And the worst case is a bit worse than that. He's concerned that it will make me angry again after we've worked so hard to let go of that anger. He's also concerned that it will make me sad and says that he doesn't want me to go through that...or put Lily through that. So what do I do? Is it a mistake to request them?

I wish September were here

I can't help but want to go to sleep and wake up in September. Or ok, like the song goes, "Wake me up, when September ends." Lily will be here, safely, and we'll be starting to adjuse to our new lives. We'll feel joy again. It's been so long since joy's even been a part of my vocabulary. I can't remember the last time. Probably when I heard Dylan's heart beat for the last time. That was joy, but I don't remember the feeling. I seemed to have blocked it out of my mind. Maybe it's a good thing, but damn do I long for that feeling again.

She's moving around a lot now. I wish that Derick could feel her. Then he'd know her like I know her. I want him to love her like I love her. Although judging by the clothes in her closet bought by her dad, I know that he does already.

Here's something fucked up...if she dies now, we'll recieve a certificate of stillbirth or something. At least she'll be stillborn and not just 'miscarried' vaginally through hours of hard labor, pain, and undeniable grief. Maybe she'll even live for a little while, and at least we'd be able to see her chest rise and fall once. Maybe we could get that lucky. Or we could be like that girl who lied about her baby's gestation and told the doctors that she was 23 weeks when in reality she was only 21. Maybe Lily would have a chance then.

If Derick read this, which he probably will, he'd be upset with me for even thinking those thoughts. But what else can I do except wait for September to come?

Maybe I'll get really lucky and go to sleep tonight and wake up when September's gone.



Wow, 2 crazy posts in one day! I'm on a roll

3 weeks

I'm starting to go crazy here. I'm so close to being at viabilty, but it seems like it's so far away. The coveted 24 weeks is something that I've only dreamed of, and I feel like something is going to happen...something MUST happen in the next 3 weeks to end this ride that I've been on.

I woke up this morning horribly bloated, and now I'm worried that I'm leaking fluid. I'm not, I checked and there is nothing coming out, but my mind keeps going there everytime I feel the *normal* pregnancy discharge. I'm a bit constipated, and like I said, bloated and I keep thinking that those are contractions. I've laid in bed for a while with my hand on my belly waiting for a 'contraction' that never comes. The logical side of me says that I went to the doctor this morning, and she was fine. Yet the irrational side of me remembers the girl at group crying while telling me that she lost her baby because of the doctor that I saw today. It's a group practice, and while I LOVE my doctor I have to see all the doctors before I can go back. Today is the first and last time I'll see that doctor. In fact, I didn't even want to see him to begin with but I knew the rules when I became a patient there. I left feeling like I didn't get anything accomplished. Usually, my doctor brings me right into the u/s room to make sure that there is no funneling. To give me piece of mind, to see her move, and to watch her heart beat. This doctor came in, used the dopplar, felt my uterus, asked if I had any questions and didn't really answer the questions that I had and left. It took about 10 mins total and my doctor schedules 30 full minutes with me. Sometimes he even has to fit me in so he schedules me for his lunch period just so that he can see me. I hate that doctor, I won't see him again...he overlooked the other lady, what if he overlooked something today?

I can't stand these feelings and lately I've been really positive about things. But I'm just scared. God, please just let me make it until 24 weeks. If Lily needs to come then, I can handle it. But I can't handle not having her with me at all. I'm to attached, I love her to much to loose her.

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That was me, yesterday. I am feeling a bit better today, but still petrified. The pain I was feeling yesterday was around my incision, I though. But then I realized that it was actually my cerclage. Three different doctors have warned me that I'll start to feel more pain the heavier she gets. They were right, I guess. Derick reminded me last night that they said it was normal and nothing to be alarmed about. By the time last night rolled around I was checking for fluid, worried about the pain, and my hips hurt so badly that I could barely walk. Add to the fact that the nurse jammed the needle for the progesterone into my hip and I thought I was going to die. Miserable. I went to sleep and woke up at 12:30 this afternoon. It was a nice sleep...uninterupted with no worries. Sometimes we all need that, I guess.

Today I'm thinking that I can make it to 22 weeks. Hell, that's only a few days away. If I can make it to 22 weeks, I can do 23. And if I do 23, it's only one week away from 24. Maybe I can make it, but not rationally it seems. You would think that with all the doctors that I see I would feel more confident by now. Sometimes I do, yes, but other times I just can't help it.

At the OB yesterday there was a women, 36 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. We overheard the nurse calling the hospital to let them know she was coming. Apparently the baby had been moving irradically and the baby's heart rate was 220. Hopefully they did a c-section. I'm sure they did, but the OB wasn't fooling around. It was nice, really, as so many of us have been overlooked. I really just hope that her baby is here safely and I don't see her at the next group meeting. I don't think that helped my frame of mind.

Things today, better. Not great, but better.

Happy Mother's Day

Today has been so bittersweet so far. Today is the 2nd anniversary of Dylan's funeral. That seems cruel, doesn't it? I've been so down about this week and thankfully it's almost over...

I awoke this morning to Derick standing over me with some roses and a tiny stuffed animal, a card, a magazine, and some Sweedish Fish. I read the card, cried, and he held me for a while. Lilo had been eyeing up the tiny stuffed animal since the moment he walked in the door. Guess what she's playing with now? Talk about spoiled...

How has your Mother's Day gone so far? Ok, I hope. I wish you all peace today and always. I have a favorite poem, that I wanted to share with you today.

Oh Mother, my Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child

Happy Mother's Day to all.

Irony

Two years ago today.

I should be celebrating Dylan's 2nd birthday, but instead we visited the cemetary. I'm saddened to say that there are two freshly dug graves just to the side of them. We brought balloons to them, and Derick demanded that we get one for Riley too. We don't want him to be left out, he said, babies don't understand birthdays and getting something for one and not the other. We got a cute firetruck one for Dylan for his birthday and a dog on another that said missing you for Riley. Then we got two latex balloons, one blue that said Happy Birthday, and a plain red one and we let them go, high up to heaven. Derick asked how long I thought they go up before they burst. I replied simply, they don't burst...they go to heaven!! We cried a little, but for the most part it was ok.

No doubt it's still extremely painful, but we've accepted things. We are ok. It's amaizing what 2 years can do for a person. Today, a day that I never thought would be ok, is.

Derick unpacked the boys scrapbooks the other night. In Dylan's I had written:

You made such a profound impact on our lives that I can't imagine what you would have done for everyone else. I never knew that someone so tiny, and who I have never seen take a breath, could make such an impact on my life. You taught me so many things, but most importantly, you taught me how to love. So if there is anything I can pass onto your little brothers and sisters, it's how much you loved us. You loved us so much and knew that we loved you that you felt it was ok to leave.

You were perfect. Our perfect little boy. Your tiny fingers and toes and ears and a nose. It was just amazing. I still can't believe that you are a part of me. You took a big part of my heart to heaven with you, and I can feel the emptiness there. But if makes me feel good to know that you have it, waiting for me to get to heaven. We will be a family again, I promise.

The Irony, I guess, comes in the fact that we bought a crib today. I never in my lifetime ever thought that I would buy a crib. We've come so far, lost so much, and hope for a life that is ours sgain.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I will love you until the end of time.

You don't give up, do you?

We spent the evening with my Dad's family. They have not been very supportive of us since we lost the boys, and sadly they aren't much more now. My Dad's sister has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and has decided at this point, it's best to stop chemo and live the rest of her life the best she can. Today was my grandmother's birthday and the whole family surrounded her. We had to take a family picture, with my aunt in attendance. It's not the last time we are going to see her, but I guess my grandparents are afraid that it could be the last time that everyone is together. One uncle is in NYC, another in Norfolk, VA, and yet another in Washington DC. So it's not easy to get us all together...especially her grandchildren.

At dinner my grandfather started grilling Derick and I about how we are paying our bills. He doesn't get that I can't work at the moment and any type of work would be disasterous for my dissability...and that's not a risk we can take right now. Derick started a new job and is working each and every weekend so we can get caught up on things. It's double-time on the weekends, so it helps a lot. But he wanted to know EXACTLy why Derick isn't getting a second job. It's aggravating, really. He's not paying our bills...in fact, he hasn't even called to see how we are. Eventually he got distracted and got up, my grandmother sat down next to me. She went on to say that my cousins IC have nothing to do with me. She basically made me feel like I'm all on my own...a freak of the family...a woman that can't carry a child. My uncle's partner sat down on the other side of me and proceeded to as how I was. I told him, and then I told him that I was pregnant again. The words out of his mouth blew me away.

"Again?! Boy, you don't give up, do you?"
"No Sebastian, I don't give up. And certainly not on THIS!"

He got up and walked away. I couldn't believe it, and my grandmother heard the whole conversation. She's the one who keeps telling my parents that I should stop and enjoy the life that I have with my husband. I know she has a lot going through her mind right now, but what can't she get about our situation?

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On another note, we've finally decided on a name: Lillian Rylan

It's the only name that both of us can agree on. We'll call her Lily, and Rylan is both of her brother's names put together. We've been getting obscene comments on it, but we answer with a smile, "Oh, well it's funny you have an opinion. You didn't consult us when you named your children." It's quick, easy, and effective : )

So sad lately

I have so much to say but each topic deserves it's own post. So I'll post 3 times today, hopefully.

I've been missing the boys something fierce lately. I've been having some really bad days. Snapping at Derick, no ambition to do anything, and sleepless nights. Last night I even cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in many, many months.

While I'm extremely grateful to be the most pregnant than I've ever been, I'm terrified that if we give her a name and imagine what we will do with her it will make things even harder when we loose her. What if we've come so far only to loose so much?

Dylan's 2nd birthday is in 10 days and no doubt that is the catalyst for my sleepless nights. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It seems like an eternity without my firstborn. I would have died for him...if only they had given me the option. Everyday I'm reminded of Derick's cousin's baby boy born just 3 days after Riley's due date. Would Riley be walking sooner than Nathaniel? Would he be laughing uncontrollably when you tickle his ribs? Nathaniel's first birthday is coming up soon, how am I ever going to make it through that knowing that I should be planning the same for Riley?

Why oh why am I in so much pain when I should be celebrating the life inside me? I feel ungrateful or selfish or a bad mother because I'm thinking of my boys and not my little girl. I expect at every single appointment that she is gone, and each and every appointment I'm pleasantly suprised when she's not. How long is this going to last?

The weather, no doubt, has a lot to do with it too. When it's sunny, I'm happy and upbeat. But rainy days like today and the weekend just bring me so low. Yesterday at my mother's house I feel asleep on the couch. I awoke, somewhere between sleep and awake, and my boys were by my side. How do I know this? Every single hair on my body was standing straight, and I felt two very distinct little souls with me and had a feeling of love wash over me twice...two seperate times. It seems that is when I feel them the most, the state of being awake and asleep. It's as if I'm connected to them at that split moment aware that I'm not unconscience and that they are there as if they had never left. They are my sons, committed to watching over us and their unborn sister. They are my tiny boys for whom I will always love.

Maybe this IS going to work?!

This is the week. Our first milestone.

Somedays I'm afraid to even move, and other days I feel so confident that I sail through my days. I go from being afraid to even move to doing regular household chores (modified a bit of course).

It's almost baffeling really. I know the other shoe should have dropped already, but it hasn't. And why hasn't it? Is this REALLY going to work?

We went to the Peri today. My cervix is long and closed measuring 3.5cm. I'm amazed, today. And I really think that we'll make it on to 18 weeks. Then, I guess, we'll re-evaluate things again.

The best part of the day....

IT'S A GIRL!!

We can't believe we are going to have a little girl! Derick is a bit nervous, and when I close my eyes I dream of frilly, pink...things! Everything pink. It's going to be disgusting, I know. I'm appologizing to myself and the baby as we speak.

I can't believe we've made it this far without any problems. We have her u/s pictures, and as I was looking at them I realized that the only other u/s at 16-17 weeks that I've seen of my children showed them dead or dying. That was obviously the farthest thing from this little girl's mind.

One more week. That's all we have to do and then we are going to be home free...

Ramblings about Tater

I realize that I'm leaving some of you hanging about Tater. To be honest, I was a little leary about writing a lot about this pregnancy. I'm afraid that if I blog to much about it I will not only jinx myself, but maybe some people don't want to hear about it. Especially those that are new in their grief. And I know that it's my blog, and I can say what I want...but I can't see myself writing post after post about a baby that might not come home. And while I don't want to determine the fate of Tater at this time...let's be honest, it's right around the corner.

Last week I saw the Peri for my first cervical check. He admired the placement of the stitch, and the baby looked great. Although a little sleepy, if I may say so myself. His/Her heartrate was 154 and I have to say that it's been in the steady 150's which again leads me to believe that Tater is a girl. The boys were steady in the low 140's. Anyhow, my cervix measured 3.4 and I nearly fell out of the chair. I've NEVER had a cervix that long. In fact, that's almost the length of a normal person! I was stunned. My mom cried, and Derick and I feigned excitement. I know that we should be excited about it...it's good news. But still so hard to believe.

Yesterday I saw my OB. He did another u/s to see the baby and give me some piece of mind. He won't measure my cervix because he can't give me as accurate a measurement as the Peri. And if he measures shorter for whatever reason, he doesn't want to give me any added stress. Anyhow, baby looked good still. Cervix was closed with no funneling. With Riley, I had almost completely funneled at this point. That should be better news, right? Wrong. Not for Derick and I. We are still convinced that in 2 or 3 week's we'll be headed to the hospital with our lives shattered for the third time.

Fortunately, I think...maybe...the OB doesn't want me to go back to work until 24 weeks. He said that if things continue to be stable he will release me sooner, but as of now I'm out for another 9 weeks. He doesn't want to take any chances, and I agree. But I still miss my friends at work and I'm lonely here at home.

Derick is released for regular work on Monday, but he doesn't have a job to go back to. So he's desperately trying to find something. Anything. He even spoke with his stepdad who ownes a Landscaping company and he's willing to pay Derick under the table until he finds something. At least it's work, but not nearly what he wants to do. I just called unemployment for him and the girl said that he should deffinately file for benefits so I'm going to urge him to do that when he gets home. But he's starting to feel the pressure, and there isn't anything I can do about it. I just can't believe that we went from what he was making last year to this. The job market here is so bad that most places won't pay more than $12/hour. Let me ask this, how in the HELL can you support your family on $12 or less per hour?? My job is good and stable, thankfully. I carry all of our insurance and handle all of our long term finances, but it's still not great. And to tell you the truth, as much as I love my job and the people there, when/if Tater comes I'm thinking of looking for something else. The bottom line is that people our age need to go where the money is. And if I can find something, anything, that pays more than what I'm making now...that's where I need to go. I have many good skills and I adapt well in different work environments. In fact I was even thinking of going back to school for drafting. I love Architecture (ok it's a freakish passion of mine), and I studied Architecture/Interior design in college. The thing that is holding me back, though, is that drafting/Architecture is a male dominated market. I could possibly be the only girl in the class, and from my experience before in school (and the reason I stopped going) is that the teachers don't want to teach women.

I spent my hour out of the house today at the Mall. But it wasn't like other trips. By the time I found a parking spot it was far away and by the time I got to the door I had to sit down and take a rest. By the time I got close to Motherhood Maternity, I had to sit on a bench and take a rest. I got two t-shirts there and then browsed around The Disney Store where I found nothing. On the way back to the car I passed Sadie's where they take those beautiful children's pictures. When Tater get's here, I'm going to get his/her first pictures there. I want a naked baby wrapped in a bow. In black and white, and the only thing in color is the bow.

Really, all I want out of this life is a naked baby wrapped in a bow. If all the baby does is cry, it will make everything that we've been through worth it.